Being a Stepdad isnβt easy, but coming down and opening up a Worldβs Best Dad card and aftershave.. wow, what a feeling!
.. turns out it was for Liamβs biological Dad and I had to re-wrap it but still had a lovely day.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Jun 20 2021
Just phoned Sea World to see what time they opened.
They told me the call was being recorded for training porpoises.
π︎ 56
π
︎ Jun 18 2021
I once went to an open air Queen concert.
The performance was stopped half way through due to thunderbolts and lightning....
Very, very frightening....
π︎ 430
π
︎ Jun 21 2021
What is the fastest growing city in the world?
Capital of Ireland
It's Dublin everyday
π︎ 9k
π
︎ May 16 2021
WARNING: There is an email going around offering processed pork, Gelatin and salt in a can. If you get this email DO NOT OPEN
π︎ 296
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︎ Jul 02 2021
My dad used to encourage us by saying βwhen one door closes another one opensβ.
Lovely man. Terrible cabinet maker.
π︎ 339
π
︎ Jun 16 2021
There will be point in the future when Canada will take over the world.
And then you will all be sorry.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ May 01 2021
I want to open small knitting supply store called "itty bitty knitty committee"
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jun 27 2021
What do you call a can opener that does not work?
A can't opener! (I'll see myself out.)
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jul 05 2021
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Apr 26 2021
What is the worldβs least spoken language?
π︎ 396
π
︎ Jun 10 2021
The trailer looks so good
π︎ 4k
π
︎ May 21 2021
There's nothing more exciting than sitting by an open window on a cold day
I get goosebumps every time.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Jun 18 2021
How do flat earthers travel the world?
π︎ 133
π
︎ Jun 20 2021
Why are mushrooms so entertaining to hang out with?
π︎ 11
π
︎ May 28 2021
What type of key is used to open bananas?
π︎ 21
π
︎ Jun 19 2021
I heard Disney opened up a high school with a diverse field of study
They even had a 101 on Dalmatians
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jun 24 2021
Why should you always knock before you open the fridge?
Because there could be a salad dressing
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jul 06 2021
I tried to open a night club called erectile dysfunction
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jun 05 2021
Would you walk hundreds of miles, climb a volcano and risk your life for the sake of saving the world?
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jul 04 2021
To all the members of this subreddit, an open letter:
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
Life under the sea is better than the human world apparently
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jul 03 2021
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head
It's awful to see someone you love mugged.
π︎ 42
π
︎ Jun 04 2021
I was thinking about opening a donut shop next to a marijuana shop and calling it....
π︎ 71
π
︎ May 20 2021
In an unexpected turn of events my apathetic Muslim friend just opened an eye hospital
He calls it "Asif Eye Care".
π︎ 70
π
︎ May 25 2021
Next level stuff right here
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jun 02 2021
Wide open
Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye. Told him heβd probably find him a lot quicker if he used both.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 01 2021
There are two types of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
π︎ 21
π
︎ Jun 30 2021
When I was a kid, my best friend was killed when he rode a Slip n Slide straight into an open manhole.
His cause of death was listed as a sewer slide.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jun 25 2021
There are 10 types of people in the world:
Those who know binary and those who don't.
π︎ 199
π
︎ May 27 2021
A kid went to open the fridge door.
He wanted a glass of milk, but when he saw the jug he whined in disappointment. βDad, the milkβs curdled!β
His Dad called back, βWould you like to make some cheese for that whine, son?β
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 17 2021
Bet Jay Z loves a 99. (Rest of world buddies, a 99 is the name of the best UK ice cream, not what you're thinking). (UK people, it is the best)
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jul 03 2021
Did you see what a big deal the re-opening of the Lego stores was?
People were lining up for blocks
π︎ 32
π
︎ Jun 10 2021
One day I want to open an Italian restaurant in New York for amnesiacs
It'll be called 'Spageddaboutit'
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jun 22 2021
Son: I'm gay
Dad turns red and tries fighting his reaction
Mom: control yourself, don't do it, this is an important moment.
Dad: hi gay I'm dad
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jul 02 2021
A clown held a door open for me.
π︎ 12
π
︎ May 24 2021
Hey son, your mom is going back to tax accounting and Iβm going to open a mortuary, know what we are going to call it?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jun 11 2021
The world fattest man has died!
π︎ 28
π
︎ Jun 11 2021
If my son ever came out to be trans then I wouldnβt have a son anymore
π︎ 7k
π
︎ May 07 2021
I just opened a fortune cookie and it was empty
I ate it anyway.
I guess you could consider it ... unfortunate.
(true story, but also felt like a dad joke)
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jun 25 2021
Iβm opening a high end barber shop on the top floor of a hotel..
Itβs a cut above the rest.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jun 21 2021
The pun heard around the world
π︎ 72
π
︎ May 29 2021
Someone asked me when the donut store opened
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jun 23 2021
What's the world's longest name?
π︎ 88
π
︎ May 18 2021
I've opened a restaurant called "Peace And Quiet."
π︎ 491
π
︎ Mar 23 2021
Why you should knock on fridge before opening it?
Because there could be a salad dressing.
π︎ 533
π
︎ Apr 26 2021
I always knock on the refrigerator door before I open it.
There could be a salad dressing
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jun 16 2021
Knock on your fridge before opening it
There could be a salad dressing.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 01 2021
There are two types of people in this world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 28 2021
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