Marx this down as one of the greatest to be Putin this subreddit.
I was driving past a prison for dwarfs the other day and saw one inmate scaling down the wall with a bunch of bedsheets tied together
I thought,
That's a little condescending
If you need to measure the height of something using a tape measure, find a good one and start from the top down.
Most tape measures don't measure up
I'm afraid I'm going to fall down the stairs one day.
I'd take steps to avoid it, but that's sort of the problem.
I was out for a dinner one night a few doors down from my house..
It was a we'll needed break. I'd been busy shopping all day. We had been stocking the cupboards with tins, ketchup, mayo, mustard etc. So me and my lovely wife were gunna have some grub and a drink before cosying down for the night.
After my food arrived I asked for some ketchup. But they didn't have any. They didn't have chance to stock up today and have run out of all their sauces.
And this food needed something to mask the actual taste. So I quickly nipped back home and grabbed all of my selection, just in case the Mrs ended up wanting something different. She usually does
While I was eating there were a few complaints and people walking out because of the situation.
The man in the kitchen looked stressed and about to burst into tears. So I called over the waitres and handed over my sauce selection and said " my condiments to the chef"
You should never roll a pair of CD’s down a hill and see which one reaches the bottom first.
Wife hit me with this one: she’s trying to get the baby down for a nap…
But she’s resisting a rest.
a police officer was patrolling his route one day when he saw a man walking down the sidewalk with an elephant gun over his shoulder.
The cop stops the man, takes his gun away, and asks, "what the hell are you doing walking around downtown with an elephant gun!?"
The man replies, "keeping the elephants away, officer"
"But there's no elephants around here," says the cop.
"See?" The man retorted, "it works."
I was walking through a cemetery one day and seen a man crouched down behind a gravestone. I said to him “morning” to which he replied
My friend and I were walking down the street when suddenly we came across a one-armed man.
He was pretty scary-looking and it was dark, so I got quite nervous.
Seeing this, my friend calmly said "don't worry about him, he's armless".
After facing down the sadistic bowling ball who just finished killing his entire family, the last remaining bowling pin had one final, desperate plea as the ball menacingly approached him...
I saw a caveman the other day, he was massive, like 7 foot easy, and he was just casually walking down the street. One could say...
Better sit down for this one
Not mine but one of my favourites; Ehat do you get when you drop a piano down a mine?
Two nuts are running down the street. The one nut yells to the other nut.
I went in to the forest to cut down an annoying talking tree the other day. It yelled at me "you can't cut me down! I'm a talking tree! I'm one of a kind"
I can assure you... you will definitely dialog
Passed down one from my dad to my son today
My son was fighting with a new tech gadget yesterday.
Son (frustrated): How do I turn this thing on???
Me: Tell it that you love it!
Miss you dad :'-(
I put one too many books on my bookshelf, didn't look first to see if it could hold them and they all came crashing down.
Turns out you should check your shelf before you wreck your shelf
Couldn't help but to add a little Seal-pun in my latest video. Took almost as much time to make as the intro. It really sealed this one as my highest effort video yet. Despite the length I felt it wasn't watered down... (should be a Direct link to the pun, if not, 7m 54s in)
youtu.be/Ut-7PjwSGeE?t=7m…
A dad is driving the wrong way down a one way street. The son says “Dad! This is a one way street!”
Dad says “I am going one way!”
I've mastered the art of sitting down using just one word.
No one’s career is more up and down than an elevator technicians.
And don’t even get me started on people pushing their buttons everyday.
Two men are going down the street, one runs into a bar..
When using the restroom, am I the only one who always chooses the third bathroom stall just to chuckle at “3 doors down”?
Some guys are talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one of the friends say "I sit down when I pee"
Another friend proceeds to curse and weep at the first friend yelling "I though you were a stand-up guy!"
Today I was reaching for a board game from our shelf. The one on top of the pile quickly slid down and hit me in the face. It was that game where you go around in a car and add family members, choose a career, have kids, etc.
A painful reminder that LIFE comes at you fast.
How fast can two moles go down one mole hole?
Today marks the 77th anniversary that my grandfather was responsible for bringing down 4 German bombers in one day during the war
He was the worst mechanic the luftwaffe ever had
My son flushed one of his shoes down the toilet, stopping it up...
As we were at the top of the Eiffel Tower watching a beautiful sunset, I got down on one knee and said, “Honey?”
She gasped audibly and said, “Yeah?”
I said, “Help! My knee is made of magnets!”
When no one is around, I would loudly describe the process of cutting down a single tree.
I was teaching my 12 year old daughter how to mow the lawn. “You need to pick either up and down or right and left, and then stick to it,” I told her. “Do you mow the whole yard in one direction.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because that’s what makes it beautiful.”
Oh, the eye roll on this kid.
A lumberjack was out cutting down trees in the forest one day. He went to swing his axe and the tree screamed "WAIT! I'M A TALKING TREE!!!!"
The lumberjack looked up at the tree and paused saying "well, you may be a talking tree, but I'll see that you die a log!"
As we sat down for lunch, I proudly announced to my daughter, "Little known fact, the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France!" Unimpressed, she ignored me and kept eating. Not being one to give up, I continued...
"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"
What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do by raising one leg?
A lumberjack was at work one day and was just about to start chopping down a tree.
Suddenly the tree spoke ‘WAIT! Don’t chop me down, I’m a talking tree!’
The lumberjack chuckled darkly and simply stated ‘And now you will dialogue’
How did one duck bring down an entire ship?
Being a farmer, my son had lots of questions. One day he asked “ why are the cows laying down”
A little moron and a big moron were shingling a steep roof when suddenly the scaffolding collapsed. They both slid down the roof and stopped at the very edge, and then one fell off. Which one?
The big moron. The other one was a little more on.
Two butts are walking down the street and one farts
- "You took words right out of my mouth" says the other
How do u get a one-armed monkey down from a coconut tree?
In far future, in a robot-only disco, one of the dancers suddenly shuts down.
The doctor arrives and after a quick inspection he calms the crowd:
“Don’t worry, he just got disco-nnected.”
That’s one down to earth cow
Two cowboys walking through the plains, no food or water, death imminent. When through hazy vision one of them spies a tree, covered in bacon by an oasis of pure clean. One cowboy hide behind a rock, as his confused friend runs to the tree... only to be gunned down by some bandits.
The second cowboy is relieved to be alive, and thankful that he knew that that was no bacon tree.
It was a ham bush
I almost fell down the stairs with a basket of laundry. I said “that was a close one”
My dad said “No, that was a clothes one.”
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
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