Two cats are on a metal roof. Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest ΞΌ
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︎ Apr 28 2021
Bob Dylan didn't seem surprised when a boulder fell off a mountain on top of his house.
He calmly said it was just like a rolling stone.
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︎ May 16 2021
I made some ideas into images to put on to phone cases. This is my favourite - Get Off Your High Horse
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︎ Mar 20 2021
My hand slipped off the handle of the casket while carrying it to the hearse and left a deep bruise on my leg.
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︎ May 17 2021
I was watching Star Trek: The Next Generation on my mobile and the feed shut off.
I got a text from my mobile provider saying Iβd exceeded my monthly Data allowance.
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︎ Apr 09 2021
The sound from a musician on stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience
The sound from a pigeon on stage does not do this because of a coo sticks.
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︎ May 09 2021
Pulled this off on my friend Lmao
π︎ 5k
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︎ Oct 29 2020
My wife told me sheβll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
Iβm not too worried, I think sheβs jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
π︎ 522
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︎ Dec 23 2020
Three men were onboard a ship playing dice on deck when the oldest man angrily jumped off the front of the boat. The younger man said..
You keeled my father. Prepare two die.
*I sent this to my brother and he replies: Was his name Inyougo?
^(What a freaking professional)
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︎ Jan 05 2021
Got a job at a potato chip factory. On top of salary they said I could pick any flavor chip off the shelf once a month.
They prided themselves in their stock options.
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︎ Mar 04 2021
At Disney World on a hot day, saw someone with one of those portable misting bottles attached to a fan for cooling off. I said, "I want a mister fan."
My wife, without missing a beat, says "Please, Mr. Fan is my father."
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︎ Mar 23 2021
I'm a teacher and every day I write a Dad Joke from this sub on the board. Today a student said this to me... I was about to go off... before I got the Dad Joke.
Student: "Sir, someone nutted on the floor!"
Me: *Begins to get angry* *Turns around... there's a hex nut on the floor*
Me: "Well played."
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︎ Jul 30 2020
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow
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︎ Dec 03 2020
What do you call a president that you quickly turn off and on?
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︎ Dec 31 2020
Thereβs two morons on a boat. One of the morons is larger. The larger moron falls off. Why?
The little one was a little more on.
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︎ Jan 21 2021
Successful Dad joke I just pulled off on wife. Full groan and everything
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: groan
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︎ Dec 22 2019
What do you call an Irish man who keeps on bumping off things ?
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︎ Jan 01 2021
The O.Henry Pun-Off is back βON!β - Tongues of puns linger
- Like all cherished things in this covid-crazy world, the O.Henry Museumβs famous free, family friendly celebration of the wit-in-word will take place virtually in cyberspace this year. With an awesome live cast of lively wits and tortured tongues, the online audience will be treated to all the linguistic twists, dramatic turns, and surprise endings theyβve groan to love. Expect to witness wacky word butchers and voracious verbivores from around the globe, all worming their way into your ears. Tongues of tradition, tension and camaraderie make this the premier event for the world's competitive wordplay community
- Brought to you this year by the City of Austin, Brush Square Museums Foundation, and co- sponsored by Austin's very own Fantastic Magic Camp, as well as the internationally renowned podcast, Pun Intensive, The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition will commence Saturday, November 21, 2020
- Preliminary live rounds begin Saturday, November 21, 2020, at 11:00am CST, lasting about 2 hours. Later that evening, live competition resumes at 7:00pm CST with head-to-head prime time heats. - See Pun-Off.com for schedule details, links, and more.
[Austin, TX, November 1, 2020] - Although traditionally held outdoors on a single day in the spring, the first portion 2020 the O. Henry Museum Pun-Off competition known as Punniest of Show was conducted via video in October. Now on Saturday, November 21, 2020, PARD will bring you their most popular second segment, O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition
This free, fun, and family friendly event will take place online this year, but with special twists, turns, and surprise modifications to make it the perfect 2020 event for the world's competitive wordplay community.
The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships have been an Austin institution for 43 years. As usual, the contest will feature a cavalcade of word-class wordsmiths from across the globe, all worming their way into your art. Join and enjoy us as they compete to spontaneously spit out the most absurd words youβve ever heard.
The event will be live streamed at PunIntensive.com.
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︎ Nov 15 2020
After years of obstructing my view, I ripped off the rearview mirrors on my car.
Since then, I haven't looked back.
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︎ Oct 23 2020
i went to a restaurant and the waitress threw a piece of meat on the ceiling. she offered me $100 to go and get it off and i replied:
No, the steaks are too high!
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︎ Oct 19 2020
Would On/Off in India be called Sari/Not Sari?
π︎ 6
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︎ Aug 12 2020
Why did the architecture student get points off on his blueprint of a Soviet house?
Unnecessary Marx and Engels.
π︎ 6
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︎ Aug 06 2020
A salesman said his windows were unbreakable, so I punched one. That hurt, but not nearly as much as the window falling off the display and landing on my head. Unfortunately I can't sue...
...they were advertised as double-pain windows after all.
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︎ Sep 23 2020
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "Nah, that's a door"
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︎ Aug 11 2020
So we've been challenged by Little Mart, Forster, NSW to a board off. Who will come out on top?
π︎ 17
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︎ Jun 14 2020
I put original copies of "The Fall of the House of Usher", "The Murders in the Rue Morgue", "The Pit and the Pendulum" and "The Tell-Tale Heart" on credit hoping to pay them off slowly. Unfortunately, I couldn't make all payments...
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︎ Oct 01 2020
Just heard a grocery store manager telling off a young guy on the checkout. βWhyβd you ask that woman with kids for ID? What was she buying?β
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︎ Sep 19 2020
Why did the tiler want to work on his day off?
π︎ 7
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︎ Aug 08 2020
My server slammed a glass of water down, tossed a spoon with a knife on the table and stomped off back to the kitchen. I pondered about their attitude for a moment and then it hit me...
They just didn't give a fork...
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︎ Sep 05 2020
I was showing off my hibiscus plants to my neighbor, he says the roots are exposed, and I should get more dirt on them.
So I found out they were both having affairs, and stealing from their company's fundraisers!
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︎ Sep 10 2020
Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th of July.
But not fire. . . . . Fire works on 4th of July.
π︎ 8
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︎ Jul 04 2020
Post and Repost were on a boat. Post fell off. Who was left?
π︎ 2
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︎ Aug 30 2020
So we've been challenged by Little Mart, Forster, NEW to a board off. Who will come out on top?
π︎ 4
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︎ Jun 14 2020
Found guilty on all charges, the train couldn't rationalize his off-the-wall behavior.
π︎ 4
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︎ Aug 03 2020
My cat got on my bathroom counter and started knocking things off
It was counter-productive
(My cat didnβt laugh at it either)
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︎ Jul 07 2020
What do you call a man who falls off a rocky ledge but holds on long enough to
Cliff Hanger... Or Mr Hanger if your being formal.
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︎ Jul 27 2020
π︎ 3k
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︎ Apr 03 2018
When we dropped off the car for service, we got the last courtesy car on the dealer's lot.
π︎ 3
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︎ Apr 09 2020
Dads get their rocks off on AB
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︎ Jan 24 2020
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars.
The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
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︎ Sep 30 2019
My first pun on here. I really hope it takes off.
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︎ Jan 22 2020
If you grew cannabis on an off shore platform...
π︎ 13
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︎ Jan 14 2020
My efforts to save on my electricity bills have really paid off.
And honestly, Iβm delighted.
π︎ 4
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︎ May 04 2020
The sound from a musician on stage bounces off an auditoriums walls to surround the audience, however
The sound from a pigeon does not, because a coo sticks.
π︎ 2
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︎ Jan 24 2021
My wife said that if I don't get off the computer she'll slam my head on the keyboard...
...but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn
π︎ 429
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︎ Jul 14 2020
My wife told me she's slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer !
Don't worry guys, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
π︎ 73
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︎ Jul 28 2020
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