Two cats are on a metal roof. Which one slides off first?

The one with the lowest ΞΌ

πŸ‘οΈŽ 22
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheseWereThePlaces
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 28 2021
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Bob Dylan didn't seem surprised when a boulder fell off a mountain on top of his house.

He calmly said it was just like a rolling stone.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 16 2021
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I made some ideas into images to put on to phone cases. This is my favourite - Get Off Your High Horse
πŸ‘οΈŽ 25
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/chairsforthecheers
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 20 2021
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My hand slipped off the handle of the casket while carrying it to the hearse and left a deep bruise on my leg.

I was appalled.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 17 2021
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I was watching Star Trek: The Next Generation on my mobile and the feed shut off.

I got a text from my mobile provider saying I’d exceeded my monthly Data allowance.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/vbloke
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 09 2021
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The sound from a musician on stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience

The sound from a pigeon on stage does not do this because of a coo sticks.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Deadly_R
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 09 2021
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Pulled this off on my friend Lmao
πŸ‘οΈŽ 5k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SnickersAndSneakers
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 29 2020
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My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.

I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

πŸ‘οΈŽ 522
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SmartassBrickmelter
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 23 2020
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Three men were onboard a ship playing dice on deck when the oldest man angrily jumped off the front of the boat. The younger man said..

You keeled my father. Prepare two die.

*I sent this to my brother and he replies: Was his name Inyougo?

^(What a freaking professional)

πŸ‘οΈŽ 64
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/calvinweight
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 05 2021
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Got a job at a potato chip factory. On top of salary they said I could pick any flavor chip off the shelf once a month.

They prided themselves in their stock options.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Cross2085
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 04 2021
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At Disney World on a hot day, saw someone with one of those portable misting bottles attached to a fan for cooling off. I said, "I want a mister fan."

My wife, without missing a beat, says "Please, Mr. Fan is my father."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/rolls20s
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 23 2021
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I'm a teacher and every day I write a Dad Joke from this sub on the board. Today a student said this to me... I was about to go off... before I got the Dad Joke.

Student: "Sir, someone nutted on the floor!"

Me: *Begins to get angry* *Turns around... there's a hex nut on the floor*

Me: "Well played."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Plane_Garbage
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 30 2020
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Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow

It was our last warming.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 37
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SpontaneouslyPickled
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 03 2020
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What do you call a president that you quickly turn off and on?

A blinkin'

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/japandler
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 31 2020
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There’s two morons on a boat. One of the morons is larger. The larger moron falls off. Why?

The little one was a little more on.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/danielpauljohns
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 21 2021
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Successful Dad joke I just pulled off on wife. Full groan and everything

Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?

Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes

Wife: Who makes those rules?

Me: The Dad Poet Society

Wife: groan

πŸ‘οΈŽ 19k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/scotland42
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 22 2019
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What do you call an Irish man who keeps on bumping off things ?

Rick O'Shea.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 01 2021
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The O.Henry Pun-Off is back β€œON!” - Tongues of puns linger
  • Like all cherished things in this covid-crazy world, the O.Henry Museum’s famous free, family friendly celebration of the wit-in-word will take place virtually in cyberspace this year. With an awesome live cast of lively wits and tortured tongues, the online audience will be treated to all the linguistic twists, dramatic turns, and surprise endings they’ve groan to love. Expect to witness wacky word butchers and voracious verbivores from around the globe, all worming their way into your ears. Tongues of tradition, tension and camaraderie make this the premier event for the world's competitive wordplay community
  • Brought to you this year by the City of Austin, Brush Square Museums Foundation, and co- sponsored by Austin's very own Fantastic Magic Camp, as well as the internationally renowned podcast, Pun Intensive, The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition will commence Saturday, November 21, 2020
  • Preliminary live rounds begin Saturday, November 21, 2020, at 11:00am CST, lasting about 2 hours. Later that evening, live competition resumes at 7:00pm CST with head-to-head prime time heats. - See Pun-Off.com for schedule details, links, and more.

[Austin, TX, November 1, 2020] - Although traditionally held outdoors on a single day in the spring, the first portion 2020 the O. Henry Museum Pun-Off competition known as Punniest of Show was conducted via video in October. Now on Saturday, November 21, 2020, PARD will bring you their most popular second segment, O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition

This free, fun, and family friendly event will take place online this year, but with special twists, turns, and surprise modifications to make it the perfect 2020 event for the world's competitive wordplay community.

The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships have been an Austin institution for 43 years. As usual, the contest will feature a cavalcade of word-class wordsmiths from across the globe, all worming their way into your art. Join and enjoy us as they compete to spontaneously spit out the most absurd words you’ve ever heard.

The event will be live streamed at PunIntensive.com.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/bpcombs
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 15 2020
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After years of obstructing my view, I ripped off the rearview mirrors on my car.

Since then, I haven't looked back.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/IAMA_SWEET
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 23 2020
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i went to a restaurant and the waitress threw a piece of meat on the ceiling. she offered me $100 to go and get it off and i replied:

No, the steaks are too high!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/mferrari24
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 19 2020
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Would On/Off in India be called Sari/Not Sari?
πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Packa7x
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 12 2020
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Why did the architecture student get points off on his blueprint of a Soviet house?

Unnecessary Marx and Engels.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/subpar-at-best
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 06 2020
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A salesman said his windows were unbreakable, so I punched one. That hurt, but not nearly as much as the window falling off the display and landing on my head. Unfortunately I can't sue...

...they were advertised as double-pain windows after all.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VeryOriginalName98
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 23 2020
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My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'

I told him "Nah, that's a door"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 42
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/YourYam
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 11 2020
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So we've been challenged by Little Mart, Forster, NSW to a board off. Who will come out on top?
πŸ‘οΈŽ 17
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 14 2020
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I put original copies of "The Fall of the House of Usher", "The Murders in the Rue Morgue", "The Pit and the Pendulum" and "The Tell-Tale Heart" on credit hoping to pay them off slowly. Unfortunately, I couldn't make all payments...

He re-Poe-ed them.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 01 2020
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Just heard a grocery store manager telling off a young guy on the checkout. β€œWhy’d you ask that woman with kids for ID? What was she buying?”

β€œCardamom”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Aphex-Puddle
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 19 2020
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Why did the tiler want to work on his day off?

Fear of missing grout

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/2019inchnails
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 08 2020
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My server slammed a glass of water down, tossed a spoon with a knife on the table and stomped off back to the kitchen. I pondered about their attitude for a moment and then it hit me...

They just didn't give a fork...

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 05 2020
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I was showing off my hibiscus plants to my neighbor, he says the roots are exposed, and I should get more dirt on them.

So I found out they were both having affairs, and stealing from their company's fundraisers!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/xknav3x
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 10 2020
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Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th of July.

But not fire. . . . . Fire works on 4th of July.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/YeaOrna
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 04 2020
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Post and Repost were on a boat. Post fell off. Who was left?

This whole subreddit

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 30 2020
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So we've been challenged by Little Mart, Forster, NEW to a board off. Who will come out on top?
πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 14 2020
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Found guilty on all charges, the train couldn't rationalize his off-the-wall behavior.

It was a loco motive.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 03 2020
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My cat got on my bathroom counter and started knocking things off

It was counter-productive

(My cat didn’t laugh at it either)

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Abtino11
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 07 2020
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What do you call a man who falls off a rocky ledge but holds on long enough to

Cliff Hanger... Or Mr Hanger if your being formal.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Username_Checks-In
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 27 2020
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Stripper takes it all off on one nightstand v.redd.it/ojpcdjwhjqp01
πŸ‘οΈŽ 3k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/therealBoomboy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 03 2018
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When we dropped off the car for service, we got the last courtesy car on the dealer's lot.

It was the loner.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 09 2020
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Dads get their rocks off on AB
πŸ‘οΈŽ 23
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/stone_in_NC
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 24 2020
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I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars.

The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 163
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/hemanth1797
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 30 2019
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My first pun on here. I really hope it takes off.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 16
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/KrissiKross
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 22 2020
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If you grew cannabis on an off shore platform...

...would it be seaweed?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Keauxbi
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 14 2020
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My efforts to save on my electricity bills have really paid off.

And honestly, I’m delighted.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/42alj
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 04 2020
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The sound from a musician on stage bounces off an auditoriums walls to surround the audience, however

The sound from a pigeon does not, because a coo sticks.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/heightsenberg
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 24 2021
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My wife said that if I don't get off the computer she'll slam my head on the keyboard...

...but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

πŸ‘οΈŽ 429
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MacItaly
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 14 2020
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My wife told me she's slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer !

Don't worry guys, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

πŸ‘οΈŽ 73
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 28 2020
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