Just figured Iβd announce that Iβll be doing a theatrical performance on puns later this week.
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︎ Sep 22 2020
tonight on puns
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︎ Sep 18 2019
Does this belong on puns, punions
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︎ Aug 17 2019
I am writing a drama on puns.
It's going to be a play on words.
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︎ Oct 23 2019
Update on pun request for Orcas, Opinions needed!
So Iβve been writing a paper about how Seaworld should not be keeping their orcas in captivity. Should the title be:
βSeaworldβs Porpoise; Where Happiness Tanksβ
or
βThanks, but No Tanksβ
Feel free to help me come up with some variation if you donβt like either. (:
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︎ Jan 30 2018
This changed my outlook on puns.
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︎ Oct 04 2017
Wingfield Brothers Inc: Degree project. A hypothetical company which make products based on puns.
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︎ Jun 19 2011
Not a joke for written context, but one you can use on your family.
You just say to your family member - "Did you hear someone in the family is part owl?"
They'll reply with "who?" And you look at them with a raised eyebrow.
Tell this joke over dinner if youd like to be the life of the party. You're welcome.
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︎ Apr 04 2021
Emphasis on laundry rotation
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︎ Apr 14 2021
Whenever my artistic girlfriend is sad, I let her draw things on my body....
I gave her a shoulder to crayon.
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︎ Apr 12 2021
There's so many bad puns on this sub' it's making me just feel numb, and don't talk about the math ones..
..they make me feel even number.
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︎ Apr 14 2021
I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus.
Thats how i lost my job as a bus driver
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︎ Apr 05 2021
The police arrested a dog for giving birth on the street.
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︎ Apr 09 2021
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, βYouβre an 8 on a scale of 10.β
I still donβt get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...
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︎ Mar 16 2021
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know Iβm getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beerβ¦.
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! β€οΈ
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︎ Apr 09 2021
I forgot to post this on Pi Day. Oh well! The Argyle Sweater for 3/14/21
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︎ Mar 15 2021
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling βI stepped on a Bee!β
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
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︎ Mar 07 2021
Found this on r/technicallythetruth
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︎ Mar 01 2021
Misunderstanding on purpose
My favourite 'dad joke' is purposefully misunderstanding the kids and watching their disbelief as they try and reword things so even an idiot can understand. We have a family app so they need permission to download some apps onto their devices (because we are "controlling" π).
So every now and then this will happen:
Child : Can I get an app?
Me : sure, if you're tired just go and lie down.
Child: no, an APP
Me: yes, lie DOWN
Child: No, I need an... I want a...I just want...an app.
Me: or an early night?
Child: weary sigh
Me: you do look tired
- thinking I'm the best joker in history*
That was a short version. If it didn't make sense, read it aloud.
The kids will put me in a home at the first opportunity.
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︎ Apr 08 2021
What did Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?
Dead ant, dead ant β¦ dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, DEAD ANNNNT!
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︎ Apr 07 2021
What do you say to warn your family you're about to test a new dad joke on them?
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︎ Mar 11 2021
Youβve heard of elf on a shelf but are you prepared for ?
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︎ Apr 09 2021
If H20 is on the inside of a fire hydrant, whatβs on the outside?
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︎ Mar 14 2021
A coworker of mine spilled boiling hot coffee on my leg and had the nerve to ask where it hurts
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︎ Apr 15 2021
What do you call a person with epilepsy laying on a bed of lettuce?
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︎ Apr 02 2021
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list...
Now I can't read anything.
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︎ Feb 08 2021
As the cop knocked on my door, I just stayed in complete silence. He then knocked again. Determined not to give myself away, I just stayed still.
Cop: "Do you think I am stupid ? I can see you through the window."
Mee: "You are not coming in."
Cop: "I don't want to come in. I want you to step out of your car !!"
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︎ Mar 13 2021
Just spent $300 on hiring a limousine and discovered the fee doesn't include a driver.
Can't believe I've spent all that money and have nothing to chauffer it.
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︎ Jan 29 2021
I've placed simultaneous orders for a rotisserie chicken on Uber Eats, and for an egg omelette on DoorDash
Looks like we're about to find out, once and for all, what comes first!
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︎ Apr 06 2021
What does a clam do on his birthday?
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︎ Mar 16 2021
No one could figure out who set the Cathedral of Notre Dame on fire..
... But Quasimodo had a hunch.
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︎ Apr 11 2021
I was on a roll when I made this
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︎ Mar 19 2021
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on the knees to test their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
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︎ Apr 12 2021
last gift on birthday
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︎ Jan 28 2021
I went to dinner with a couple of Vikings and they kept tapping on the table and laughing. I finally asked what was so funny and they said:
βYou wouldnβt get it, itβs Norse codeβ
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︎ Mar 28 2021
After Orville and Wilburβs first horrific and fatal plane-accident leaving their remains scattered on the tarmac, the chief medical examiner approaching what was left of them simply asked:
βAre you all Wright?!β
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︎ Apr 15 2021
What happens when you accidentally drop you Viagra on your clock?
Your gonna have a hard time...
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︎ Apr 08 2021
Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
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︎ Apr 09 2021
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
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︎ Mar 24 2021
One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..
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︎ Mar 10 2021
I was on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies...
Is this a trick question?
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︎ Jan 16 2021
Why does Jesus stay on the other side of the road?
Heβs afraid to get across
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︎ Apr 12 2021
My wife has the most weird abacus tattoo on her back.
But I can always count on her
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︎ Mar 31 2021
As I got out on the 11th floor, the lift operator said, "Have a good day son."
"Don't call me son, you're not my dad.!!" I said.
As the lift door closed, he looked me in the eye and said, "I brought you up, didn't I ?"
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︎ Apr 01 2021
My brother and I are working on a tight deadline in making Dracula action figures.
I have to make every second Count.
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︎ Apr 15 2021
Always be aware of your surroundings. Even on your midnight toilet trips.
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︎ Mar 19 2021
I once did a theater performance on puns...
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︎ Jan 27 2021
I once did a theatrical performance on puns
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︎ Aug 20 2020
I did a theatrical performance on puns.
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︎ Sep 24 2013
I once attended a theatrical performance on puns
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︎ Jul 04 2014
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