I suggested my son wear a hi-hat for hat day at school but he said no.
Apparently he's not into cymbalism.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Mar 25 2021
There were a few irish friends in a pub and one of them was telling a joke about cows but no one laughed.
He should have told a udder joke
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 26 2021
I have been asking around what the lowest rank in the Army is, but no one would tell me.
Apparently it is private.
π︎ 165
π
︎ Jan 27 2021
There's an Amazon Forest but no Microsoft Forest - why is that?
π︎ 466
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes but no matches or lighter. What do they do?
They throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
π︎ 36
π
︎ Feb 22 2021
All this stress lately has me trying new things. For example, I've discovered that brake fluid is actually delicious. I'm up to a case a day, but there's no need to worry about me.
π︎ 44
π
︎ Jan 18 2021
I became a father today, but no dad jokes are coming to me. Iβm pretty bummed.
Luckily the neighbor hit me with a few good jokes as we got home! Cheered me right up!
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Jun 24 2020
There's a new film about oxygen that's coming out soon, but there's no date.
I wonder when it will air.
π︎ 27
π
︎ Nov 16 2020
Imagine a form of public transportation where there is no monetary fee but you relive past mistakes for as long as you are a passenger
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 09 2020
Why is there a wizard of oz but no wizard of kg?
π︎ 14
π
︎ Oct 05 2020
Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher, but no one mentions his sister
Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol
π︎ 646
π
︎ Jul 24 2020
If you tell dad jokes but have no kids...
π︎ 28
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
My son wants a porcupine with no quills as a pet, but I refused.
I said, βThat seems pointless.β
π︎ 24
π
︎ Oct 19 2020
My friend to said to me "there's no situation where a contraction makes sense but its split from doesnt"
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 05 2020
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no wifi and couldnβt find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 25 2020
A guy offered to document my life in Microsoft Excel, but I said no.
I donβt want him to spreadsheet about me.
π︎ 36
π
︎ Sep 04 2020
I dated a communist once. I had no idea. She seemed sweet. But it did NOT end well
Honestly I should have noticed all the red flags
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Oct 24 2019
I've heard so much about the "Eye Of The Tiger", but how come no one talks aboutβ¦
β¦the other four letters?
π︎ 580
π
︎ May 02 2020
Today, I asked who left their cold-smoked herrings on the ground at the market but no one answered.
π︎ 21
π
︎ Aug 23 2020
Close, but no cigar
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Dec 01 2019
I've just bought a bottle of head lice treatment but there's no instructions on how to use it.
It's left me scratching my head to be honest.
π︎ 91
π
︎ Jun 06 2020
My wife said that I should read Pride and Prejudice, but I said no.
Iβm too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book is going to lecture me.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Sep 05 2020
My friend and I where discussing how certain names will never enter certain cultures. He asked if there was ever a Korean Juan? I said no, but...
π︎ 10
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
An English professor was telling his class that a double negative makes a positive, but there was no case in which a double positive creates a negative.
From the back of the room a Physics professor said, "Yeah, yeah."
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 14 2020
I made up a joke about the sound a tap makes when you turn it on full blast, but no one got it.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 08 2020
I got my wife a copy of the Pixar movie Up when it came out a long time ago, but she dropped it while opening it. She dropped it so many times over the years that the box is very damaged and the disc is no longer playable. Her other movies are perfectly fine, but not this one.
She did not hold Up well.
π︎ 306
π
︎ Jan 14 2020
My grandpa recently got a new chair for his stairs, but it frustrates him to no end.
He says it drives him up the wall!
π︎ 10
π
︎ Aug 16 2020
I'm no tailor, but...
I think adding an "e" to the end of your suit would be pretty suite
π︎ 47
π
︎ Mar 30 2020
Four men are stranded with nothing but cigarettes on a boat with no way to light them
So they throw one cigarette off board, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Oct 12 2019
Well yes, but actually no
π︎ 66
π
︎ Feb 27 2020
I tried to learn cursive but no one was any help
I could never get a straight answer
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 16 2020
there's no easy way to say this but...
π︎ 33
π
︎ Jan 29 2020
When I was young, I once asked my dad for a pocket calculator, but he said no.
He said, βWho cares how many pockets you have?β
π︎ 44
π
︎ May 19 2020
I'm no artist but i sure am funny
π︎ 18
π
︎ Feb 28 2020
I was going to make a joke about sodium but then I thought.....Na, no one will get it
π︎ 11
π
︎ Feb 06 2020
I have a fear of being under something dirty but no one gets my position.
No one ever under stained...
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 18 2020
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts, but when I asked if I could take two, he said no...
I pleaded, βCan I at least Taekwondo?β
π︎ 13
π
︎ May 08 2020
Many people would say that there was no great empires in the middle East before 500 ad but this is incorrect
In fact the Abbasid is true
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 31 2020
I wanted to know how to build big muscular shoulders. I tried asking a guy with big traps at the gym, but I still have no answer...
...every time I ask him, he just shrugs.
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 03 2020
What do you call a person with a nose but no body?
π︎ 20
π
︎ Feb 17 2020
No hate to all those people but..
π︎ 511
π
︎ May 20 2019
What do you call a person who makes dad jokes but has no kids?
π︎ 48
π
︎ Oct 02 2020
My wife insisted that I read βPride and Prejudiceβ, but I said no.
Iβm too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book will lecture me.
π︎ 430
π
︎ Mar 14 2020
My wife asked me to read Pride and Prejudice, but I said no.
Iβm too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book will try to lecture me.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jun 27 2020
A guy offered to document my life in Microsoft Excel, but I said no.
I donβt want him to spreadsheet about me.
π︎ 35
π
︎ Feb 01 2020
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