A list of puns related to "New Order"
Now they both proudly display "Road Work Ahead. Expect Delays" on their welcome signs to better reflect the status of their roadways.
Apparently that’s how you depress the brakes.
They're calling it an express-o.
I have a serious Substance abuse problem
Morning, Apple Pie and Coffee. Noon, Apple Pie and Coffee. Night, Apple Pie and Coffee. Getting tired of this same meal, he asks his coworkers to teach him a new dish to order. He learns Steak and Eggs.
Waitress: Hiya hon’, Apple Pie and Coffee as usual?
Man (smiling proudly): Steak and Eggs!
Waitress: Oh! Changing it up to day! How would you like your eggs? Scrambled, sunny side up, poached, fried? How would you like your steak? Rare, medium rare, medium, medium well, well? . . . . . .
Man: ... Apple Pie and Coffee.
I wanted to see what came first, the chicken or the egg.
"Look, thyme fries when you’re having pho!"
They said it was a re-sent development.
They help kids think about language in a new way, usually by exploiting the flexible grammar and word order of the English language. Dad Jokes that are puns prepare children to read classic literature such as Shakespeare, which utilizes play-on-words to express deeper meaning. What I guess I’m trying to say, is that they are very e-joke-ational.
I need my vax-in-nation certificate to book some flights
It can leave a stain on your honor.
An overworked elf walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What have you little guys been working on lately?" the bartender asks. "Today we worked on a new design on a special spinning toy," the elf says. "What's it called?" the bartender asks. "I can't tell you," the elf replies. "It's a top secret."
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡The bartender said "that'll be $20.20"
She says it was worth the weight.
That's a... Missed steak
It’s called Tailor Swift.
A truck driver walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You won't believe what happened to me today," he tells the bartender. "I lost control of the rig I was driving and plowed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces. After I called and reported the damage I was just waiting on a tow truck when a turnpike crew truck pulls up discharges a bunch of workers. They picked up each broken piece of the toll booth wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than half an hour, they had the booth back together and looking as good as new." "That's amazing!" the bartender exclaims. "What the heck was the creamy stuff they were using?" "Well, I had no idea, so I went over and asked the crew chief," the trucker says. "He told me it was tollgate booth paste."
/r/dadjokes will be hosting an open mic night using reddit's new feature Reddit Talk! Come, hang out, test the new feature, and tell us your best dad jokes!
The event will last one hour and begin at 5PM PST (8PM EST, midnight UTC). In order to access Reddit Talk you will need to be using the latest version of the official reddit app. Looking forward to talking to you all!
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What's new with you?" the bartender asks. "Well I just opened a new casino for dogs. They can play poker, black jack, roulette... almost all the games," the guy says. "They have to go outside for craps, though."
An unemployed reverend walks into a bar and orders a glass of wine. "How did the interview at the church go today?" the bartender asks. "Not so good. They turned me down for the job, despite my 20 years of experience. They insisted they only want to interview brand new seminary graduates," the reverend replies. "I guess they were looking for greener pastors."
A guy limps into a bar and orders a beer. "What's wrong with you?" the bartender asks. "New dress shoes," the guy replies. "Turns out they are too tight." The bartender looks at the shoes and advises, "Try pulling the tongue out a bit."Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."
A sad-looking pelican walks into a bar and orders a drink. "What's wrong with you?" the bartender asks the normally cheerful pelican. "I've already been fired from my new job as a social marketing manager and been replaced by a dang parakeet," the pelican sighs. "They wanted someone who could 'twitter.'"
A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and hands over a few singles to pay for it. The bartender picks up the $1 bills and carefully scrutinizes them, holding them up to the light. "What are you doing?" the guy asks. "There's a new scam going around this holiday season," the bartender replies. "People are passing around counterfeit $1 bills, so be careful. "So, what you're telling me is I should keep an eye out for hot singles in my area," the guy says.
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡new word order it will be
Happy new year, folks.
A retired traffic cop walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What have you been up to since you retired?" the bartender asks. "Actually, I've just designed a new line of decorative sleeves that go over women's handbags," the retired officer says. "I call them Hot Purse Suits."
A gal walks into a bar and orders a beer. She and the bartender notice a nice pickup pulling up to the bar. A man hops out and walks around and opens the door for his date and they enter the bar, sit down and order dinner and drinks. "Wow, look at that," the gal comments to the bartender. "You hardly ever see a man open the car door fora lady anymore. It really tells you something about the guy." "Sure. It tells you one of two things," the bartender agrees. "That's either a new girlfriend, or a new truck."
Now let me tell you, they were so boney that I had a bone to pick with the manager (true story)
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I have to find a new psychic. The one i'm seeing now is just so angry. And the one I saw before that was just depressed and crying all the time and never kept his appointments," the guy complains to the bartender. "You just need to find a happy medium," the bartender replies.
...so today he called Jeff in the "Door Department" (his words, not mine) to find out what's up. Turns out, the doors were shipped and have been waiting at the local store for a week.
My dad, fighting back tears and a fit of laughter, says to the employee on the other end of the phone: "No worries, I'm sure you guys are busy this time of year; you probably were just in a bit of a jamb".
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What's the special tonight?" he asks the bartender. "We're trying out a new Spam sandwich. It's great," the bartender says. "Spam? You mean that meat out of a can?" the guy asks. "Sure, all fried up with some pineapple, its a delicious sandwich!" the bartender enthuses. Skeptical, but always up for something new, the guy orders the special and gives it a try. "Well, how was it?" the bartender asks as he clears his plate. "Personally, I'd give it an ate out of tin," the guy replies.
A guy walks up to a bar to get his carry-out order of a large diet coke and a burger. "You don't need to include a straw, I just got one of those new aluminum reusable ones," the guy tells the bartender. "Oh, yeah? How do you like it?" the bartender asks. "It sucks," the guy replies.
A dog walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What's new" the bartender asks. "My owners got mad at me because I kept chasing people on a bike. So they took my bike away. So then I had nothing to do but stand around in the yard and bark. So they gave me my bike back," the dog says. "Apparently my bark is worse than my bike."
Orders a beer, a guy sitting at the bar overhears , he asks "what do you do for a living", I'm a plumber, I am currently working on the new building across the road says the duck, the guy says "I run a circus, I think you would be a great act,whatever you earn now I will pay you double to come work for me",the duck responds, what does the circus want a plumber for?
A guy walks into a bar and orders just a plain old normal beer. "I couldn't wait to get out of the house and around normal foods and drinks again. My wife started one of those tropical fruit juice diets for the New Year. The house is completely full of the stuff," the guy complains. "It's enough to make a mango crazy."
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What's new?" the bartender asks. "I got a job as a stuntman in a couple of movies," the guy says. "Nothing major. Just a couple of small rolls."
A guy and his dog walk into a bar and the guy orders a Corona light. "Check out my new dog. He only obeys commands given in Spanish," he tells the bartender. "What kind of dog is he?" the bartender asks. "He's espanyol," the guy replies.
A guy with a newspaper walks into a bar, orders a beer and begins reading the paper. "What's new?" the bartender asks. "Well it says here," the guy replies, "a Santa at Nasa won top prize in the national palindrome awards."
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What's new?" the bartender asks. "Well I finally retired my old car," the guy says. "Oh yeah? Did you find someone to buy it, or did you scrap that old thing?" the bartender asks. "Oh, nothing that drastic," the guy says. "I just got it a new set of Goodyears."
She will be so happy when she finds out I ordered a new one.
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