Your golden skin. The way you smelled like heaven. The way you felt in my hands. The way the sun glistened on you. How everyone loved you. You were never expensive on a date. You looked good with anything on. I will miss you pizza slice that fell into the sand
http://imgur.com/a/TXlB2
He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. Theres nutelling what can happen next... His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I can only espress-so much grief, but lettuce romaine calm. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There's just not mushroom left for italian chefs in this world... Sending olive my prayers to his family. His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it... You never sausage a tragic thing. Its such a shame good people die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace... My condolences for Roberto, who died in the spaghetto. May he rest in yeast๐๐ปโค๏ธ
Wow! Im so glad so many people laughed at this joke, I got so much happy feedback from everyone lol thank u sm for all the rewards and upvotes, my week couldnt get better!๐
They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.
Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.
As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.
They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.
Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?
They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.
"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".
They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.
But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.
The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.
And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!
Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?
"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"
In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and
... keep reading on reddit โกA giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโt think itโs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereโs a new type of broom out, itโs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canโt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnโt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didnโt have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit โกDaughter: Dad, it's really STUPID out there today. You'd better take your dumbrella.
Me: I've never been more proud.
A man named Dave comes home very drunk late at night...
So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, bang, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.
The guy refuses to believe this is happening, he says to St. Peter: "This can't be possible, I'm a healthy man! This is not the way I die. You have to let me return down there!"
The guy can see St. Peter looks like he's feeling sorry for him, but he tells him that unfortunately, there's no policy for allowing people back on Earth. The guy insists: "But come on, there's got to be something you can do! I'll put up with anything, really, as long as you let me go back down."
So St. Peters tells him: "Well really, there's just this one possibility: you can go back, but only as a hen. That's the only thing we can allow." The guy guesses that this really is his only chance, so he agrees reluctantly.
So he's back on Earth in this beautiful chicken coop, the sun is shining, there's green grass everywhere, this is hen paradise. The other hens greet him with delight and he tells them his story, everything goes nicely. But then he feels kind of unwell, there's something wrong with his stomach. He asks this old hen: "Tell me, I've got this weird feeling in my belly, I'm not too well. What is happening to me?"
The old hen: "Well dearie, we hens lay eggs, you know. I bet you've never laid a nice egg before... You need to push it out now, and you'll feel much better after!"
So the guy pushes and pushes, and wham, out pops his first egg. The old hen congratulates him and he feels much better. But not 5 minutes later, his pain comes back. He returns to the old hen for advice.
"Well dearie, it's quite special but it happens that you need to lay TWO eggs, so go back there and keep pushing!"
So he goes back to his nest and pushes, and nothing comes, and he pushes harder, and wham, out comes his second egg! He feels much better, but not 2 minutes later, you guessed it, he's back in terrible pain and goes to see the old hen.
"What's this bullshit here, and don't tell me I've got a third egg to lay!" The old hen can't make head or tail of it and just tells him that when in doubt, he should be pushing. So the guy goes back to work and then, wham, his wife wakes him up with this smashing slap in the face and yells: "*Dave! Dave wake up youโre
... keep reading on reddit โกMy dad worked in construction for most of his life, and because he worked with his hands, he sacrificed many watches. But if you don't have a watch, how are you to tell time? My dad has a great sense of humor and is always thinking of new ways to do things to make them more practical or thinking of ways to change things to make them work better for him. So after spending way too much money on a heavy duty watch that inevitably broke on him, he came up with a better solution.
He used the working part of a clock and stuck it on the inside rim of his hat, so if he wanted to know what the time was, he just had to look up. Simple. And the way his hat was, you couldn't see the clock when looking at him unless you were underneath him and looking up.
And then came the funny part. Every time he was asked what time it was, he would look up at the sun, scan the horizon, pretend to do a math equation in his head, and tell them the exact time down to the minute. I've witnessed him doing this a few times but never gave it away. The look of surprise and confusion this gave people was priceless.
My dad had done other funny things like this, but this was by far the funniest.
To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.
"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."
"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."
"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."
"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."
"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."
Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevorโs love for tractors.
Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.
Trevorsโs degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.
The hedges in Trevorโs front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.
Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.
Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasnโt keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.
One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.
Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.
โWellโ said Jeff, โAs Iโm sure you know the convention comes to town laterโ.
The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.
โYes of courseโ replied Trevor
... keep reading on reddit โกA woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Dawn referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked... The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "That was wonderful..."
The husband says, "Don't move... I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not
In my opinion we should beat the shit out of constipated people because:
-
Laxatives are an unhealthy way of dealing with feces. On the other hand, beating the shit out of someone is a good way to practice sports activities like, running, grip strength, punching techniques etc.
-
Other methods of dealing with feces take alot of money. Laxatives aren't cheap in our flawed healthcare system! On the other hand, there are people that are willing to pay you to beat the shit out of you. By using this method you can become richer and deal with your shitty problems.
-
Constipation requires being in the bathroom for a long time. This can be very lonely for the people involved. However, beating the shit out of others can be done in any place. Your home, the local park, or even the shady street corner! Not only that it's a very social activity, requiring a minimum of at least 2 people, but usually done in groups of 2-5 people.
Although some people might say, that beating the shit out of each other is violent, most of them have never been to a public toilet and hence are unable to realize how much more painful and violent the alternative is.
In summery, beating the shit out of people is a good, legitimate, and affordable alternative to laxatives and is a better, more progressive way, to deal with constipation.
Better latte than never I suppose
...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.
Devil: Why are you so sad?
Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.
Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Coke. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Devil: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay -- you're already dead.
Guy: Golly!
Devil: I bet you like to gamble, too.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...?
Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of the Titanic. You can do all the drugs you want, and you'll never die -- you're already dead.
Guy: Neat! I never realized hell was such a happenin' place!
Devil: You gay?
Guy: No.
Devil: Oh, you're gonna hate Fridays
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donโt think theyโll fit me.
Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donโt turn it on.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโs a little fishy.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
โEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, โThe good news is..itโll feel better when it quits hurting.'โ
Whatโs brown and sticky? A stick.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโs tearable.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
โIโll call you later!โ- โPlease donโt do that. Iโve always asked you to call me Dad!โ
Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
โMy dad literally told me this one last week: โDid you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.โโ
โWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, โNo, just leave it in the carton!โโ
I got so angry the other day when I couldnโt find my stress ball.
If I had a dime for every book Iโve ever read, Iโd say: โWow, thatโs coincidental.โ
Iโm not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How does a penguin build itโs house? Igloos it together.
โMe: โDad, make me a sandwich!โ Dad: โPoof, Youโre a sandwich!โโ
โI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
โHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyโre all girls, otherwise theyโd be uncles.โ
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth โ its pasteurized before you even see it
โWhatโs Forrest Gumpโs password? 1forrest1โ
The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: โDonโt worry; this is a piece of cake.โ I said: โNo, itโs a math problem.โ
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I donโt play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโm just doing it for kicks.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
... keep reading on reddit โกHusband: "Never mind. I'm feeling better!"
It really grinds my gears when people say stick-shift is obsolete.
Most people like their music bass-boosted, but it seems like too much treble.
When an astronaut drinks tea, he takes a big space-sip.
The best electricity puns are live wires. Coppers really donโt know how to resist these in a coil. If you make enough of this type of pun you can really blow their fuses. You need to be smart about how you conduct these so you donโt overload your capacitors.
The only kind of rap I like is the wrapping paper on gifts.
Scissors always cut to the point.
Airplane puns always fly overhead. You have to be careful so you donโt stall out. Always use better judgement so you nose how to dive. When used correctly, this pun classification can really propel to infinity and beyond. However, if misused, the fall from grace is full of turbulence.
When working with electricity puns always make sure to be grounded to prevent shocking results.
Mr. Tea says, โDonโt be a fool, stay in school!โ
i c e i c e w a t e r
Architecture is an aspiring career path.
โPunโ puns donโt add up. The are starting to get negative receptions.
Iโll do algebra. Iโll even do calculus. But graphing is where I draw the line.
Plants should always rooted in the ground.
Never argue with people when they are right or nobody will be left hanging out with you.
Rocks make boulder moves. This means they are pelite and not jagged. Donโt take these puns for granite.
Cheese puns are grate because you donโt have to ask for parmesan to use them.
Eskimos have cold personality. It is an ice society, but some of their history chills my spine.
My dog died a few years ago. It was really ruff.
I am not a fan of wind turbines.
Life is like driftwood. You never know where you will float.
Christmas lights stick together. When one goes out, they all do.
Puns about communism are only funny if everyone gets them.
Rocket scientists cannot fuel around or something bad can happen.
A baker is someone who kneads to make baked goods.
I sometimes wear stripes to avoid being spotted.
Sponges are great at absorbing liquids.
Contrary to the name, relationships have nothing to do with boats.
After all, better early than never.
Granted I'm sure he's collected these from various sources such as Morecambe & Wise, the holy grail of dadjokes.
-
I try not to mention donkeys around my dad, otherwise he will say "Eeyore! Eeyore! Eeyorelways (he always) says that!"
-
If a police car ever drives by and I'm with my dad, he'll get me in a headlock and shout "I've got him!"
-
If I ever start a question with "do you know.." he will always reply with "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it"
-
If you stand in front of the TV, my dad will tell you "you make a better door than a window."
-
If there is ever an ambulance going by with its sirens on, my dad will always say "He'll never sell ice-cream going at that speed."
Better to love a short man than to never love a tall!
How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
Whereโs the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history โ with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
If it werenโt for C, weโd all be programming in BASI and OBOL.
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who donโt.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.
An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks โmay I join you?โ
Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraftโฆ and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. Itโs a hardware problem.
I named my hard drive โdat assโ so once a month my computer asks if I want to โback dat ass upโ.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as sheโs been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
I changed my password to โincorrectโ. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say โYour password is incorrectโ.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Itโs ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didnโt know who he was.
I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didnโt have internet.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardwar
... keep reading on reddit โกOne of the funniest school puns; science puns
Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium? It went OK. If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up, theyโd be alloys.
The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist sees the glass completely full, half with liquid and half with air.
If youโre not part of the solution, youโre part of the precipitate.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, โNo, Iโm traveling light.โ
Did you just mutate for a stop codon? Because youโre talking nonsense!
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
What did Gregor Mendel say when he founded genetics? Woopea!
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? Heโs 0K now.
I wish I was adenine, then, I could get paired with U.
Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na
Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says โI think Iโll have an H2O.โ The second one says โI think Iโll have an H2O tooโ โ and he died.
A couple of biologists had twins. They named one Jessica and the other Control.
Did you hear the one about the recycling triplets? Their names are Polly, Ethel, and Ian.
Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!
What element is a girlโs future best friend? Carbon.
I had to make these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? I like your โstyle.โ
Iโm reading a great book on anti-gravity. I canโt put it down.
I have a new theory on inertia but it doesnโt seem to be gaining momentum.
Why canโt atheists solve exponential equations? Because they donโt believe in higher powers.
Schrodingerโs cat walks into a bar. And doesnโt.
Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.
What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!
A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies โFor you, no chargeโ.
Two atoms are walking along. One of them says: โOh, no, I think I lost an electron.โ โAre you sure?โ
โYe
... keep reading on reddit โกHI Iโm Tim the turtle, yes a real turtle. And I would like to tell you the story of my best friend. I once had a friend by the name of Sam. Sam of course was a clam. A real live honest to goodness clam. He was my best buddy, but unfortunately he smoked and drank and ran around with loose women (and a few men). I was more of the goodie two shoes type. I never drank, never smoked, I didnโt even swear. But for some reason Sam and I were the best of friends. I guess you can say we were the epitome of opposites attracting. One day as we were hanging out walking along the beach Sam, after his fifth cigarette in a row, had a heart attack and died. I was heart broken. My best friend died right there in front of me and he never repented his evil ways. I was sure he would spend eternity in damnation. Sigh. Being the goodie two shoes type I was still extremely healthy well into my old age. I missed my friend terribly for many years. On his birthday I would host a party and invite his old stripper girlfriends and poker buddies around to relive stories. It was always a fun evening, but in the end left me more lonely than before. Eventually, my broken heart couldnโt stand it anymore and I too died. I was pleased to find that there was a heaven. Being an almost saint I was whisked directly past the line to the Pearly Gates to be greeted by St. Peter. A big grin erupted on his face and he came right around his desk to give me a great big hug. โTimโ, he said, โYou have been such a good person back on earth that God has asked me to grant you any wish you would like before even entering heavenโ. To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement. I thought for a minute, I guess God expected me to ask for more time on earth, but I knew what I really wanted to do was to visit with my old friend Sam. So I asked. Poor St. Peter didnโt know what to say. You know Sam is in Hell right? Well I knew that was a strong possibility so I wasnโt surprised. Peter excused himself for a while and went to check with the big guy himself. He was gone quite some time, but eventually he returned. Peter said my request was approved, but under a few conditions. First, I would have to carry a golden harp as a passport back into heaven. This harp could only be carried by a good soul so I couldnโt be replaced by a look alike demon. Second, I would have to return by midnight. God didnโt want me to face too much temptation. I agreed to these conditions and took the highway down to hell. (Nope n
... keep reading on reddit โกA Call to Arms A Plead to the Limbless
The Armless are a stump among society and could easily achieve more. Itโs bothersome that somebody with great potential could allow themselves to lose grip of what they aspire for. The radius of support and development that surrounds these people is astounding. Yet they bite the hand that feeds and throw away opportunities. With each passing day they are crippled by the errors in their ways. Not only are they not properly handling the situation, they are doing a disservice to society. Most will say to refrain from pointing fingers, but it is pertinent that we show them their faults.
All aside we should most certainly not try to elbow my way into their lives. However, if they were to branch off into their own progressive groups it would be most beneficial. And severance is a good thing between them and the public. This doesn't mean a complete amputation of them from society. Perhaps selective assistance will help these people find a well fitted sleeve within their communities. This process is difficult and lending a helping hand can make the difference.
On the other hand, we have those who donโt try to succeed. Their negligence is worthy of more than a mere slap on the wrist. When somebody refuses to apply themselves, they are holding back progress. By giving themselves mental limitation they are creating a prosthetic disability they must abide by. The majority of working to achieve goals is believing you can reach out and grab them. But, somebody who gives up is cutting themselves short of success Seeing somebody give up is the furthest thing from being humerus. Urging these people is a necessity, otherwise they will never try their hardest, encourage them to use some elbow grease and put forth full effort. Any small contribution is better than being a detriment, community service, obtaining greater education, enlisting in the armed forces, these all benefit society. Drastic changes of this scale are sure to cause discontent, grab a tissue if need be, but never give up. For all those that are currently wasting away without contribution, it's time to limbโer up and take charge.
I am not a dad at the moment, but I've learned the art of pretty clever puns in college. Some are mine, some are spins on inspirations, others are more on the joke side of dad.
What does a radioactive cat have?
18 half-lives
Ventriloquists are like psychiatrists, they both talk through things.
What is my vision?
To make the world 10% better?
No, it's about 20/20...
The invention of the shovel was truly a groundbreaking discovery.
Dad: I invested in some uranium, but I lost money.
Friend: What happened?
Dad: The Profit decayed.
We have received a report of a hole being discovered in the ground, our investigative team is looking into it.
There was an explosion at a local film manufacturing company, the story is still developing as we speak.
A local theater put together an act about jokes.
It was a play on words
Sรธ, I hรชรกrd yรถลซ lรฌkรซ fรถrรฉigรฑ aรงฤฤลtลก
As an airline mechanic would say, the job has lots of ups and downs.
My New Years resolution will probably be 25 megapixels, or 4K, not sure yet...
There was a river in Egypt no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.
Dad-Epitaph:
I thought I'd never live to see this day come.
There are two things that are guaranteed to open doors in life.
Push and Pull!
(How to keep an idiot in suspense)
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
A man builds robotic snakes for a living, I guess you could say he was a... python programmer!
A researcher's obsession with mixing stone, sand, lime, and water has yielded concrete results.
A madman once attacked a rider on his horse.
The rider had to goto hospital, the horse remains in stable condition.
A man bought a paper shop, it blew away in the wind last night.
Science is all about learning the rules, setting off an absurd amount of explosives, and then writing down what happened.
It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.
Dad: Did you pick up your room?
Kid: No, I tried but it's too heavy.
*I stub my toe.
Me- "Ow, my toe!"
Dad- "Better call a tow truck!"
Dad- "Heh, never gets old."
But does it?
There are three classes of cheerios, the lower class (plain ol' cheerios), the middle class cheerios (frosted), and the elite class (honey nut). One soggy morning in Seattle, a plain cheerio awoke in his single room apartment. He looked out at the still sleepy city, blanketed in a mist of rain. He quickly got dressed and put his shoes on, this would be the day. He stood propped against the bus stop, smoking a cigarette. "God I have got to stop this habit." He thought to himself. Glancing back and forth at the bustle of cheerios, he saw her. She looked about 25, devastatingly gorgeous, and he could smell the honey from where he stood. "Excuse me ma'am," his voice quivered, "I - I think you might be the most beautiful cheerio I have ever seen." She smiled and her otherwise golden brown face grew red. " This is a long shot, but will you marry me?' She was obviously caught off guard by this, but her red lips formed the word, "Yes." They raced through the morning mist of the city, and arrived at her fathers house. The cheerio bent down in front of her father. "Sir, I would like to ask for your blessing in marrying your daughter" "No! You are a regular cheerio and my daughter needs a high quality honey nut" he snapped. "But sir." "No means no damnit!" "Sir this is very unrea-" "You come back a honey nut and you'll have my blessing, my daughter is not about to marry a low life like you." The cheerio sprinted home, tears streaming down his face. He fumbled against the lock and sprawled out on his bed. When he awoke it was early, his sheets had a dark silhouette from his wet jacket. He sat up and lit a cigarette. "Damn." he sighed to himself. Walking in front of his mirror, he noticed something different. His body was frosted! He had become a frosted cheerio! He darted out the door without shoes, reaching the honey nut household in no time at all. He banged on the door, and the beauty's father answered. "Sir I am a changed cheerio! I'm frosted!" he exclaimed. Her father had a stern look on his face. "You think you are any better? The dirt on my boots are worth more than you." he hissed. The old honey nut slammed the door on the young frosted. He heard the deadbolt click. The newly frosted cheerio didn't take the same way home. He stood on the edge of a bridge, feeling the cool autumn wind on his sugar coated skin. Was he really going to go through with this? Was it worth it? No he was a frosted cheerio now. He couldn't get the girl, but he was a changed cheerio. He
... keep reading on reddit โก(This joke just deserved a more catchy title, sorry for the mess.)
Every Tuesday growing up, we had German sausages and sauerkraut for dinner - my dad's favorite. Since I can remember, my dad has told this joke and never misses a chance telling it till this day:
"You know kids, it's not the sausage that makes you fat, it's the sauce!"
Both my younger sister and l looked at eachother, rolled our eyes and thought - why is he telling this joke every single time.. it doesnt make sense! There is no sauce here! Only fried sausages, sauerkraut and potatoes. In fact, where is the goddamn sauce, we could need it. This dish is dry as shit! My poor mom shrugged her shoulders, seemingly just as confused.
When i was about 11-12, I caught up on my dad's hinting and eye contact after the punch line.. he wanted me to get the joke so bad at this point lol. I had a moment, as they say. Oh... OOHH. BOOM. Omg the "SAUCE"!! From the sausage.. makes some people fat.. as in pregnant.. Mind. Blown.
My sister, around 8 at that time, had a few hundred more sausage dinners to "ketchup" ;) I'm not doing so bad myself, 'ey?
Edit: For the slow people out there, this joke is about sausage=penis, sauce=sperm and getting fat=pregnant. Did you have your moment too?? Admittingly, the joke works better in my native language, but you get the idea.
Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.
Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":
- Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
- It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
- What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
- Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
- Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
- Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
- If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
- Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
- Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
- American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
- The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
- Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
- Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
- Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
- Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
- Rittal me this, Batman!
- Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
- Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
- If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
- When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
- You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
- Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
- Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
- Don't think Seton is
As I was growing up, my Dad always called Parmesan cheese "stinky feet." I think maybe because it smells like feet? I've never been sure. I know now that this was a joke my dad made up long before I was born and it kind of just stuck. At the dinner table it was always referred to as "stinky feet" and my six year old self didn't know any better.
Cut to my very first sleep-over and my friend's family had spaghetti for dinner. There was no Parmesan cheese on the table, so I asked "do you guys have stinky feet?"
I wonder if my Dad was just doing the long troll.
Me: Your parents should have raised you better Friend: My parents are toast... Me: oh... wait, you mean like bread or dead? Friend: they never understood my because I was breader then them
I didn't come up with this but its been flying around reddit for a while...
A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?' The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.
Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'
The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.
The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.
Father,' replied the son,I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.
The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.
Father,' said the son to this,I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'
`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.
I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls
... keep reading on reddit โกMy girlfriend was making ovaltine since I've never had it (and I'm 26). She asked if I wanted whole milk or 2% milk with it, and I just said "whatever's better."
Her dad pointed to the red top jug and said, "that will be a WHOLE lot better."
So I went Black Friday shopping this morning and on my drive back home I got pulled over. I called my dad to break the news to him.
Dad: Did you get any great deals out there? Me: Not really. In fact, it was really expensive. I just got a $145 ticket for speeding. Dad: Wow. I've never heard of anything like that. That doesn't sound like a good deal to me. Me: I know. Talk about an expensive mistake. Dad: No, I've never heard of the band "speeding" and there is no way they are good enough for me to pay $145 dollars to see them. Hahahahaha
Dad humor is 1000x's better than yelling.
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโt think itโs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereโs a new type of broom out, itโs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canโt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnโt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didnโt have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit โกWhat do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโt think itโs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereโs a new type of broom out, itโs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canโt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnโt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit โก