Can I tell what nationality Napoleon was?
I identify as a man, my birth certificate says I’m a man, everybody I know says I’m a man...
and yet according to Kraft Dinner, I’m a 4-person family
I quit my job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, ‘This isn’t for me.”
I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.
They said it was grounds for termination.
My GF dressed up as a police woman and told me I was under arrest under the suspicion that I was good in bed c
After 3 mins all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence
I once used Laughing Gas as a deodorant.
Smelt funny the whole day.
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
I've just bought a new Roman emperor. He was a lot more expensive than the other emperors even though he doesn't do as much.
As the cop knocked on my door, I just stayed in complete silence. He then knocked again. Determined not to give myself away, I just stayed still.
Cop: "Do you think I am stupid ? I can see you through the window."
Mee: "You are not coming in."
Cop: "I don't want to come in. I want you to step out of your car !!"
Not sure if this qualifies as dad joke, but anyways here I go: I had to strongly disagree with a friend who accused me of being a severe fence-sitter
Then again, I get where he’s coming from.
I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home all the signs were there
I was really scared when I started as a pilot. I looked down nervously and said: "What are all these buttons for?"
The co-pilot said: "They keep your shirt closed."
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
As a roman emperor, I really like to drink Coca Cola. The ordinary people?
I was confused as to how much lettuce to buy from the grocery store, so I called my wife.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
My dad didn't love me as a child, but I don't blame him.
I wasn't born until he was an adult.
Bill Gates: Hey Melinda, can I keep the MS Office as part of the divorce settlement?
Melinda Gates: Bill, ...you have my Word.
One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
I sexually identify as chocolate
I hated my job as a bowling alley union rep
They were always having strikes
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
I was fired from my job as a dentist, but I’m okay with it.
There was no hard fillings.
As a patriot, I have decided to buy my next Honda directly from Japan and pay the necessary tariffs.
It will...be my Civic duty.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
As I got out on the 11th floor, the lift operator said, "Have a good day son."
"Don't call me son, you're not my dad.!!" I said.
As the lift door closed, he looked me in the eye and said, "I brought you up, didn't I ?"
I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
As a kid I was forced to walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
I asked my mechanic why he was dressed as a female fox.
He said he was just vixen my car.
I quit my job as a treadmill tester.
I just felt like I wasn’t going anywhere.
The Emperor of Gorgasol refused to appoint his daughter as his heir.
Needless to say, she was not empressed.
A policeman pulled me over the other day and started crying as he was writing me a traffic ticket. I asked him why was he crying?
He said it was because I committed a moving violation.
I asked the nurse giving me my covid vaccine if she moonlights as IT
because she seems really good at installing antivirus!
I was thinking they should change the name of the wishbone to the Napoleon.
Because you pull the Bonaparte.
Whenever a book publisher refuses to accept my hand-delivered unsolicited autobiography, I usually just squeeze it as hard as I can with my thighs...
so that it's easier to walk away with my tale between my legs.
My wife suggested I do lunges as an exercise to get fitter during quarantine.
That sounds ...like a big step.
When I was young I was a graffiti artist and had my name all over the city but as I got older I thought "This has to stop".
"The writing's on the wall."
I've invented a new talent contest where you have to dress up as a sailor and eat spinach as fast as possible....
The other day I asked my dad why he chose window cleaning as a profession
He told me it was the only job he could see himself doing
I just got fired from my job as a palaeontologist because I didn't recognise a female Stegosaurus.
In my defence I'd only ever dug up Tyrannosaurus Rex, so I'd never seen herbivore.
I hope I get reincarnated as an animal.
I’d like to have an otter body experience at least once.
What do you call an explosive Frenchman?
I heard Bill Gates is really unsure if he'll ever find love again. But as the old saying goes...
there’s plenty more Phish in the (C:)
As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...
I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop
but when I got home, all the signs were there.
As I handed my dad his 53rd birthday card, he said,
"You know, 1 would have been fine"
As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...
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