One of the world leaders is actually an alien hellbent on taking over the world and I know who it is!
It's crazy but it's Trudeau
An alien is strange.
A random person is stranger.
My son, apparently an 7yo dad says to me... " Hey dad, what's the alien say to the cat?"
"Take me to your litter"
He's been working on his joke game. V.proud.
My wife called me at work and told me one of our envelopes is giving her an attitude
I told her I will address it when I get home
What do you call an Alien with no eye?
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
so I had to ground him.
He's doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly.
What is an Air Fryer's favorite food? (Courtesy of my 6 year old)
Air-vrything.
I'm so proud.
My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge.
My Wife is an Hour Late to Meet me at the Gym
I don't think we're going to workout afterall.
What do you call an alien with 3 balls ?
I asked my dad to simply explain what an acorn is.
He said, "It's an oak tree, in a nutshell."
An actual conversation between my wife and my son yesterday.
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
What is an alien's favourite show?
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...
Jean-Pierre’s dream of meeting an Extra-Terrestrial finally came true. His first question for the alien was...
You must be from Mars, eh?
My chair is missing an arm and a leg
And that doesn't sit well with me.
An actual joke from my dad this weekend
Dad: The sun is out! Oh nevermind now it's gone
Me: It's just a little shy
Dad: yeah that's why they call it sunSHYne...
Today, on the news, there was an incident in my town where a city bus lost control and landed on top of a house. No one was killed and the city is paying all passengers.
I guess you can say the bus ride was on the house.
My wife called me at work and said “it’s time, the baby is coming”
I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!
(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)
Started an OnlyFans account. Pretty excited for my early retirement
My boyfriend told me he already turned the clocks forward an hour in the kitchen. I told him he is a man ahead of his time.
I think my postman is an organ donor.
His truck says, “We deliver for you.”
Whenever my artistic girlfriend is sad, I let her draw things on my body....
I gave her a shoulder to crayon.
My girlfriend is a square root of -100
Perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
My child said wtf is an acronym?
What is the difference between an alligator and a crocodile
Timing...one will see you later and one will see you in just a little while.
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
My friend who is a snake charmer is marrying an undertaker.
I bought them some 'Hiss and Hearse' towels as a wedding gift.
An actual joke from my 8 year old - Why can’t you trust atoms?
They make up everything.
I was proud.
What do you call an envelope that is made of Iron?
Yesterday, my friend and I got into an argument over which vowel was the best
An astronaut is making coffee onboard the ISS...
He turns to his crewmate and says:
"Damn, I can't find any milk for my coffee."
The crewmate replies:
"In space no one can, here use cream."
Lance is an uncommon name nowdays
But in mediaeval times people were called lance a lot
What is a beehive that doesn't have an exit?
My mom was a radiologist. She met my dad when he came in for an X-ray.
I wonder what she saw in him.
if an murderer is chasing you then..
both of you are running for your life
How is the British child of an Australian bear and a Antarctic sea animal like a Tupperware?
They're both koala-tea-seals!
I went to my best friend's wedding today. He is an awesome fisher. I like him a lot and always come with the finest catch.
But something is very fishy with his new betrouthed.
My phone camera got an image quality upgrade on January 1st.
It was Apple's New Years Resolution.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family
MY PARENTS RAISED ME AS AN ONLY CHILD
THIS REALLY ANNOYED MY YOUNGER SISTER.
I bought my 10 year old son an acoustic guitar yesterday and he has mastered 3 chords already.
So now the full Oasis songbook is covered he's moved on to a new one.
My dad always said, “ Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Asked an Alien why they never visits us.
''bad reviews, only one star''they said.
My son has recently taken up an interest in music. We're constantly going back and forth trying to stump the other with trivia. He thought he had me when he chorused, "Hey, dad, what genre are national anthems?!" I laughed, "That's easy!"
An alien came down to Earth the other day, stepped out of his spaceship and said, "G'day cobber! Let's start a barby and throw some shrimp on! Strewth!".....
....he was an Austr-alien
The doctor told me my DNA is inverted.
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10." But what I still don’t get is why...
She wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
My Mom was a Radiologist. They met when my Dad came in to get an Xray.
I wonder what she saw in him.
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