My Policeman Puns

I told him my dog doesn't even have a bike.

My dogs don't even own bikes

“Yes officer, I’m only going one way”. I replied.

Told him there’s no way, my dog doesn’t even know how to ride a bike.

A cryptic cop in a Coptic crypt.

The policeman says “You are the lawyer!”

“Exactly, so where’s my present?” Replies the lawyer.

I met a stranger o‌‌n t‌‌he t‌‌ube t‌‌he o‌‌ther d‌‌ay. He didn't say 'hello', as a normal person might. Instead, he s‌‌aid, "‌‌Remember Matt Damon".

That seems a little bit weird... but it gets weirder. The next day, I passed the same fellow on the street, while I was out walking my dog. He called out to me once again, "Remember Matt Damon".

But I finally cracked it and called the cops after the SAME guy t‌‌apped o‌‌n m‌‌y bedroom w‌‌indow, a‌‌t 1‌‌1.30 pm last n‌‌ight. He called to me, loud enough for me to clearly hear him through the glass, "‌‌Remember Matt Damon."

My conversation with the police then went like this:

Me: Officer, I think I have a stalker.

Policeman: can you tell me anything about this person?

Me: Well... uhhh... he reminds me of Matt Damon...

The policeman put a device in my mouth. After a pause he said, "Blow?"

"If you've got some, yes please," I replied.

One broad day in the middle of the night, 2 dead boys got up to fight! Back-to-back they faced each other, they drew their swords and shot each other. A deaf policeman heard the noise so he came and shot the 2 dead boys, if you don't believe my story is true ask the blind man he saw it too!

Ladies and gentleman, Hoboes and tramps, Cross-eyed beetles, And bow-legged ants. Pull up a seat, And sit on the floor.

I'm going to tell you a story I know nothing about.

One dark day, In the middle of the night. Two dead boys, They stood up to fight.

Back to back They faced each other. Drew their swords, And shot each other. The deaf policeman heard it all, She came to shoot those two dead boys.

Don't believe this lie is true? Go ahead, ask the blind man. He saw it, too.

//Don't know who to credit this, it's a poem my parents taught me at a young age.

So my brother is a policeman and last night got a call about a stolen washing machine...

So he goes to it, ridiculous argument insues between the two parties then a slight wrestling match from my brother and the accuser and he gets nicked. So then my mum asks him

"What about the washing machine? Did the other man steal it?"

my dad replies instantly:

"It made a clean getaway"

I can't wait to have kids so my brain work the same way...

http://imgur.com/7c4bFwj

I can list them all but some of my favourite are:

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone and then it dawned on me.

Whenever the cashier asks me if I want the milk in the bag I say "no just leave it in the carton"

Why was the policeman sleeping in his car? It was arrest stop!

I attached all of my watches together to make a belt. It was a waist of time

A strangers car broke down and they left it in our yard for a week and a half, leaving no name or contact information. After making several attempts on social media to find these people to come get their vehicle, I finally had to call the local police station to ask them to take care of it.

An officer came and he talked about putting a 72 hour notice sticker on it and then having it towed. At the mention of stickers my 6 year old blurted, "oh! Stickers! Can I have one?!" The policeman asked if my boy could come to the cruiser to get a few stickers. I said, "sure but, kid, are you sure? After 72 hours they will tow you away!" My boy groaned "moooommmm...." but at least the officer laughed.

... “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

"You are the lawyer." said the policeman.

"Exactly, so where’s my present?" replied the lawyer.

Not really a joke, but my dad would say this poem all the time.

One bright day in the middle of the night Two dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, Drew their swords, and shot one another. A deaf policeman heard the noise And came to the rescue of the two dead boys If you don't believe this lie is true, Ask the blind man, he saw it too.