Joke from my daughter: What do you call someone who gives out soda on Christmas?
Got my blind friend a cheese grater for Christmas.
He said it was the most violent book he had ever read.
I bought my wife a refrigerator for Christmas
You should’ve seen her face light up when she opened it
My favorite Christmas joke: A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out and asked them to leave. ‘But why?’ they asked
“Because if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s chess nuts boasting in an open foyer”
(From my 14 year old Daughter - so proud!) Who delivers all the drinks at Christmas?
All I got my wife for Christmas was a mirror.
That’ll show her who’s the boss.
Kids can be so ungrateful. I bought my son a trampoline for Christmas.
He just sat in his wheelchair and cried.
For Christmas I made my younger brother swallow a torch....
It was worth it to see his little face light up.
A short but sweet interaction I had with my Dad on Christmas.
Mom drops a fork onto the floor in the kitchen
Me : “Oh, fork! Mom!”
Dad : from another room “Hey! That’s not very knife.”
Big appreciation towards mine, & many other dads, for this sense of humor.
My wife said to me that if I got her another stupid gift this Christmas, she would burn it…
So I bought her a candle.
For all you jerks who are saying my dad jokes about Christmas aren't any good...
From my 13yo daughter this morning: “What did the Christmas tree say when dad took it to the curb?”
My kids told me they want a cat for Christmas
I normally cook a turkey, but hey, if that's what they want..
My wife gave me a surprisingly threatening gift for Christmas
It was a calendar. She's telling me my days are numbered.
For Christmas my wife asked me if we can finally get something that can do 0 to 100 in less than 3 seconds.
So I got her a scale.
I have been sleeping on the couch for one month now.
My dog ate a string of christmas lights. Thankfully, the vet was able to remove them...
He said my dog was delighted!
I'm not ready to take my Christmas tree down yet
It really spruces up the place
I got my son a Triceratops costume for Christmas.
Spending Christmas with my ex-fiancée
We’re now husband and wife.
My cat pulled over my Christmas tree
My son: Merry Christmas Eve!
Me: Yes, Merry Christmas! But please don't call me Eve.
I've misplaced the N on my Christmas decor...
Oel, nothing I can do about it now
All my son got me for Christmas was a deck of cards… and they were sticky…
I’m really having a hard time dealing with this.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas…
"Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace.” she replied.
So I bought her nothing...
This Christmas morning, I got a really confusing text from my Dad
"Heo, son! Have a hoy joy Christmas! Your mom Iked her gifts. Thanks for heping me pick them out for her. Et's get together for dinner tonight."
That night at dinner, I had to ask "Dad, what was with that strange text this morning? Is your phone broken or something??"
He looked at me, smirked and just said one word: "Noel"
I love my dad’s Eggs Benedict on Christmas morning.
There’s just no place like home for the hollandaise.
Bought my son a subwoofer for Christmas
I wrapped it in dog-print wrapping paper, and addressed it to him from the dogs.
Got a new Christmas tree and my wife asked if I was putting it up myself.
No, I'm putting it in the living room.
Someone stole all of my Christmas lights last night
It’s ok though, my family and I are just delighted.
My son got a Lego set for Christmas...
He looks up at me and tells me "The box says 9 plus years but I'm already halfway done. I am speed."
Proud dad here.
I got sick, and it really killed my Christmas spirit.
I must have caught the bahum-bug
From my Christmas cracker:
What shivers at the bottom of the ocean?
A nervous wreck
My niece asked for a Disney movie for Christmas. I couldn’t figure out for the longest time what movie to get her..
As I was paying the cashier for my Christmas tree,...
....he asked, “Are you going to put that up yourself?”
I said, “No, I’m putting it up in the living room.”
My 7 yr old nephew came up with this on Christmas.
What does the Sun say to everyday of the week?
I wish you were Sunday!
I just found out that there’s a clause in my work contract that states I can get fired if I ruin the “spirit of Christmas” for kids under the age of 10.
It’s called the Santa Clause
I bought my kids a soccer ball for Christmas…
I think they’ll get a kick out of it.
Our family cut down a Christmas tree this afternoon and my wife named it Gloria
I told the kids our tree stand was named Excelsis Deo and when we got the tree home we'd put Gloria in Excelsis Deo.
I bought my gf a knife for Christmas.
A copy of "A Christmas Carol" just fell on my toe.
It hurts like the Dickens.
My husband told me that for Christmas I should make a wreath out of $100 dollar bills
Told my kids they're not getting as much for Christmas because of the energy crisis.
The price of coal is through the roof.
Last year, my Christmas party was a dud, so this year I’m hiring a singer.
It’s going to change the whole tenor of the event.
I've bought all my friends and family seventeenth century paintings and classical instruments for Christmas.
Due to the economic crisis, my dad decides to save money this year by shopping for a smaller Christmas tree. As he proudly places it on the checkout desk the cashier asks...
"Are you going to put this little tree up yourself sir?", to which my dad answers, "No I'm not you filthy animal! I'm going to put it in the living room!!"
I tried so hard to put my Christmas lights away carefully, last year
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