I cut my finger chopping cheese
but I think that I may have grater problems
A nurse hands the doctor a sheet of paper telling him: "Here doctor is the list of donor hearts, kidneys & livers. All in alphabetical order."
The doctor replies: "Wow nurse! That's very
Organ-ized!"
What did Edward Scissor Hands yell when he chopped down a tree?
I cried when my dad chopped onions
After taking product to a customer today I told my co-worker that I had removed the liver from the box
He responded "whaaa?"
So I told him the product was de-livered!
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
As a lumberjack started chopping down a tree, it spoke: "don't kill me! I can talk!"
The lumberjack said, "a talking a tree? Huh. I guess you'll die a log."
I just chopped my left hand.
My dog's got no liver
"How does he synthesise polypeptides?"
"Terrible!"
When your job is on the chopping block
Liver walked into a bar and hid...
It asked the bartender to not disclose it's whereabouts to it's owner who was about to step in.
Why is Chop Chop Master Onion such a pain in the butt?
He's a real rap scallion.
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but no one can pee soup
Dropped my best ever dad joke & no one was around to hear it
For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.
I said "hey look, an escaPEA"
No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!
Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂
Always bring a jar of chopped pickles to special occasions...
If you plan on going to Vegas, stay at the Stratosphere tower and eat at their top floor chop house.
It's a high steaks casino.
I'd like to dedicate this joke to my wisdom teeth.
My name is ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
My 9 year old son just asked me to pretend I was a police officer arresting him for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Me: Young man, you're under arrest for downloading the entire Wikipedia!
Him: I can explain everything!
(It's his best joke yet I think)
I named my dog "5 miles."
So that I could frequently say, "I am going to walk 5 miles now."
Edit: My most popular post on Reddit! 😀 Thank you for the awards.
My WIFI password is 2444666668888888
Just to clarify, 12345678
Possibly the greatest Snap Reaction dad joke I've ever told (it even got me a POWERFUL groan and vehement FU from my wife)
Me grabbing a soda from my (what I thought was) half full 12pk...
Notices there's only 2;
Me: "Awe man... This is a damn bird box!"
Her: "What the hell does that mean?!"
Me: (Pulls both cans out & shows them to her) "It's only got Toucans."
I'm not ashamed to admit the look on her face was glorious.
I would like to make a liver joke...
But I'm afraid it's too bile.
My neighbour asked me “Hey, how much wood did you chop today?”
I said, “Not sure. Let me check the logs.”
I like my coffee how I like my slaves
A little boy came running up to me and said, "Please help, my dad is in a fight!" I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, "Which one's your dad?!" He replied, "I don't know."
"That's what they're fighting about."
I asked my daughter, "If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?" Rolling her eyes, she said, "I give up. What?"
"Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder!"
My son’s fourth birthday was today, but when he came to see me I didn’t recognize him at first.
This just in from my daughter: What do you live in if you live in Antarctica?
Ice-olation.
She's only eleven and says she came up with that by herself. I'm so proud 😭😭😭
My son said, "What rhymes with orange?" I pondered for a while and replied...
My wife and I always fight over the right way to hang the toilet paper roll, so our therapist suggested we try the other person's way for a week.
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!” I replied, “Sure, it does.”
“It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
My granddaughter just hit me with this one: what is the biggest kind of ant ?
A gi-ant!
I am so proud right now!
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
I told my daughter that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning. She asked me...
“How do you know it was on it’s way to work?”
I like my women like my coffee
My son was born yesterday and is in the NICU. [META]
What are your best dad jokes? Whoever tells me the funniest one will have the honor of knowing their dad joke was my first as a dad.
Edit: there are two winners.
The first is one I told to my wife. It is about him being born with 4 kidneys but two of them will become adult knees. Thank you u/cabbithunt
The second I told me son. "There are two fish in a tank. One fish looks at the other and says 'I'll drive you man the guns.'" Thank you u/kiabe1
Edit 2: After two weeks in the NICU, we have convinced the doctors to let us upgraded to the wireless home version. Thank you all for your well wishes and jokes.
While watching “Home Alone” we were at the tar-on-the-basement-steps scene, and my daughter asks “where would you even get tar?” And my wife said…
What do you call someone skilled at chopping wood?
From my 7yo Nephew, Why should you always bring toilet paper to gatherings?
For all the party poopers!
I cut my finger chopping cheese,
but I think that I may have grater problems.
I don't care that i cut my finger when chopping cheese.
I have grater problems to worry about.
My son and daughter cried when I chopped onions
I cut my finger chopping cheese
but I think that I may have grater problems.
I cried when my mom chopped onions
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