My friend has a bad stutter
When he tried to tell me his Nana died I was singing the Batman theme with him
My Matthew McConaughey impression isn’t bad.
It’s alright, alright, alright.
My brother tells me things aren’t so bad, we could be trapped in a hole filled with water
My daughter just dropped this one on me: Why was Cinderella so bad at playing tennis?
...Because her coach was a pumpkin.
My company decided to save money by using cheap printer paper. What makes it so bad?
When Mr. Hamm and his wife Sue, rumoured cannibalists, passed away, I celebrated furtively at their funeral. But when I saw 'Smoked Hamm' and 'Chop Suey' in the menu for the service, I realised that I'd be leaving the funeral with a bad taste in my mouth.
I got so sick of my boss telling bad jokes that I went to the doctor.
He prescribed punicillin.
I went to my doctor after a bad reaction to eating shrimp and he said I may have developed an allergy.
I asked, “permanently?” He said, “No, tempura.”
I hate it when a song gets stuck in your head, I've had Bad to the Bone stuck in my head for weeks.
It's really b-b-b-b-b-b-bad.
A woman was in coma after giving birth to twins (M&F). Doc said to her after she came out of it that her brother named her kids. Mother worried and asked what are they? Doc said "Girl's name is Denis". Mom said that's not so bad. What's my son's name?
My wife yelled at me because I have a bad sense of direction
So…i packed up my stuff and right!!
My dentist said I had a really bad cavity
I said we should get to the root of the problem
I thought my student loans were bad
But my bank calls them "outstanding"
My wife is kicking me out because she is sick of my bad South American animal puns
My Girlfriend told me I was bad with Directions.
So I packed my things and Right!
I always thought chiropractors were a bunch of nonsense until I went to one for my bad back and I gotta tell you,
I named my female rottweiler "Karma". She bites bad people
I tell them "Karma is a bitch"
I've been trying to get a job as a dealer in one of the casinos but none of them will hire me because I have a bad habit of biting my nails. so I got a job as a plumber last week.
I start dealing at the casino on Monday
I feel bad for my younger self.
Advice to my daughter went bad
first im not sure where to post this story but this is true and ive been cracking up ever since my daughter told me that happened.
So my daughter is 23 now. When she was 18 & im dropping her off at college, i told her that "anytime a guy approachs you and youre not in the mood to be hit on just tell the guy you have herpes or whatever and hopefully he'll stop & go away, if he doesnt...then, well ya know...you leave as safely as u can." i thought it was harmless kinda funny advice. So last night, when she's picking up her dog (cause i said id puppysit while she went to the football game), I said something to the effect of the dog needing a slow feed bowl and she rolled her eyes and told me shes not taking advice from me after the "herpe talk". i said "what? what herpe talk?" and she reminded me of that advice i offered when she was an 18 year old college freshmen and then told me thats why she doesnt have a bf. i chuckled and started asking, "have u ever said that? what happened? how many times have you told a guy that?" she continued to tell me that she went to a few frat/soriety get togethers with her girlfriends and maybe used that line 6-7 times. i lost it laughing and said "you know those 6-7 guys told at least 3-4 people each and so on." she goes "No shit Dad. because of you i cant find a date cause everyone thinks i have herpes." anyways, i thought this was too funny to not share, plus it worked cause i get to puppysit versus grandbabysit.
My wife told me I'm bad with directions.
It made me so angry, I got left up and right.
Google is a bad influence. My 10-year-old son searched "what is arson"...
and it gave him 50,000 matches.
My dad once told me, “If you ever meet a girl with a bad tattoo, she’s the one for you.”
“It shows that she can make a terrible decision but still stick to it.”
I wanna joke about my bad writing
But I don’t know how to format it
I let my pet pig get in bed with me. It was a bad idea.
She was hoggin’ the blankets.
Vet is explaining what’s wrong with a woman’s dog and says “I think I’m going to have to put him down.” Woman: “Oh my God, is it that bad?!?”
Vet: “No, he’s just really heavy.”
How could you tell my dad was bad at using power tools?
It took both hands for him to high five someone.
My dad’s obituary in the newspaper was rather cruel and commented about his notoriously bad watch that ran fast, and further claimed that he habitually set fires in national parks.
We however, will always remember him as a trail blazer that was ahead of his time.
My wife told told me I was a bad plumber and was flushing my life down the toilet.
I told her if I was a bad plumber my life would be clogged.
My dad is a bad magician…
That’s how I ended up with a half sibling.
if you think my dad jokes are bad...
You should hear my GRAND dad jokes.
One thing that is bad about me is my ability to lie.
I explained to my son, "If you think our microwave, phone and TV spying on us is bad..."
"Our vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on us for years!"
Looking for a little help with a joke my daughter brought home from school and butchered so bad I can't figure out what it's supposed to be
Her: How many pieces of rice do you eat?
Me: Uh, 12?
Her: No, thrice
I feel like she's using thrice to mean three rice, but it feels like there's a part missing in between. Anybody know this one?
my friend makes very bad puns
Someone scratched a bad word into my fence post.
It's really bad when my parents be mad at me for disagreeing with them....
....people need to be okay with the consequences of their actions.
My son told me he wants to be a cowboy, so I had to give him the bad news.
He’s stuck being a human boy.
My roomie forgot some chicken in the fridge and it went bad
An original (at least I think) by me and my daughter (two punch lines)..."Why are cows bad at hiding?"
Daughter's response: Because they're always moo-ving.
My original punchline: Because they're often spotted.
Which punchline is your choice?
My friend was addicted to the hokey pokey and it got really bad for him
It took a couple years but he was able to turn himself around
Just had some bad news from my optician.
She told me I was colourblind. The news has come right out of the green.
I received some bad news regarding my bathroom remodel -- some of the items won't fit through the door.
I'll figure out the next steps soon, but for now, I have to let that sink in.
My friend was telling me all about this really bad cold he had and how congested he was…
I told him to join the army as a phlegmthrower
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