I got my Virgin Media broadband connected today, and I'm very sad that my friend didn't appreciate my pun. Is it that bad?
My friend lost ten pounds doing a body wrap. Not me though. It's always a bad idea to go out dressed in Saran wrap.
People can clearly see you're (your) nuts.
So apparently my dad’s bad at Dad Jokes.
All he’s been able to crack are eggs.
Driving in the Black Hills this morning when my daughter sees a herd of cattle and says "I feel bad for those cows bakin' in the sun and heat."
And I corrected her, saying "Pigs would be bacon in the sun and heat. Those are cows."
A while ago I thought my wife was going to leave me because of my bad posture.
My wife threatened to leave me because she says I have a bad sense of direction..
So I packed my stuff and right.
I've had some bad news about my Dutch friend with inflatable shoes.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
After a bad diy project, a load of books fell on my head.
I have only my shelf to blame.
I live next to the rubbish dump and have a huge fly problem, the bloody things are everywhere. It's gotten so bad I've decided to sell my house and move...
I'm not saying my jewellery shop is bad, but thieves have never stolen anything from it.
And it's been broken into four times...
My newborn son is having a bad _air_ day
... and is screaming at the top of his lungs.
Yay for fatherhood and my first proper dad joke 👍
I need to eat all my spices before they go bad.
But it’s just thyme consuming
Doc told me he has good news and bad news for me. Bad news is my organs are shutting down from my eating only pepperoni, ham & salami.
My kids told me I've really got stop making bad dad jokes.
They always got to spoil my pun
My friend worked at the zoo to circumcise elephants, the pay was bad but...
My yogurt starter went bad, so I throw it out.....
I really hated cancelling culture.
I'm trying to get better at making jokes from blending words together, but all my attempts turn out bad
Despite all my effort, I can't produce more than a poormansteau at best
My wife is a bad speller.
I told her that it's not her fault. It's just in her blood. She has type-O blood.
My son asked me, “Because of the pandemic, I’m on the computer 12 hours a day. Is that bad?”
Me: That can’t be comfortable. Try a chair instead.
I asked my dad why his ghost costume smells so bad.
He told me it was because he was covered in sheet.
My daughter told me she was having a bad hair day...
I just saw 10 ants frantically running around my kitchen. I felt bad so I built them a small house.
Now I’m their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants.
My buddy Ian is a strong proponent of state surveillance of citizens. I disagree and think it's a bad idea, so I said...
My friend said that it is bad to keep shit in me too long
All i said was that i don't give a shit
My wife and I went out for dinner and ended up with food poisoning. She ate some bad chicken and got salmonella
while I ate some bad salmon and got chickenella.
My jokes are so bad they are fatal
I can confirm they are dadly.
My teacher said my history is bad
I always use incognito mode.
My buddy Linux would always lead the lineup with a bunt and steal second shortly after. And no matter how bad I wanted to swing for the fences, if the batter before me didn't make first; coach would turn to me and say......
I felt so bad when I dropped my toothpaste.
I named my nunchucks "bad joke"
That way if I ever have to use them, it would be considered assault with a dadly weapun
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
A while ago I thought my wife was going to leave me because of my bad posture.
It was just a hunch.
I talked to her about it, turns out I was wrong, and I stand corrected.
I’m really not sure what I was all bent out of shape about.
Hello, my name is Richard, and I have a bad knee..
You can call me Limp Dick
2020 hasn't been all bad. I've been doing fine off my OCD meds now for about..
..6 months, 15 days, 9 hours, and coming up to 12 minutes..now
My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now" Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher.
No idea why the school hired him.
I've had a chiropractor phobia extending from a childhood trauma. Wife finally convinced me to get my back checked out and treated. Wife afterwards: See, that wasn't too bad
My cousin had a bad experience on the tram
I am having a really bad day, somebody ripped the front and back pages out of my dictionary.
It just goes from Bad to Worse!
My wife threatened to leave me over my bad sense of direction... I beat her to it though.
I packed up my stuff and right!
My wife was angry that I had a bad sense of direction
so I packed up my things and right
My wife told me I have a bad sense of direction.
I packed up my things and right!
My wife was mad I had a bad sense of direction...
...so I packed up and right!
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