Mount Back Puns

I wish I had gotten a bass or trout. Maybe I wouldn't be getting all these calls about my carp's extended warranty.

Mount Rushmore

One evening a big, rough, tough, gravel voiced Texan was travelling through a small town on his horse. He spots a local tavern and decides to get a drink. He ties his horse up, and heads inside.

He approaches the bar:

'Bartender! Get me a shot of your strongest whiskey'

He quickly knocks it back, and heads outside. When outside, his horse has gone. He storms back inside and announces to the punters:

'Listen up! I left my horse tied up outside not 5 minutes ago, and now she's gone. I'm gonna have 3 more shots of this here whiskey, and if she ain't back, I'm gonna have to do what I did back in Texas. And trust me, I do NOT want to do what I did in Texas. Bartender! Get me another whiskey!'

So he knocks it back, and heads outside to check. Still no sign of his horse.

'I'm warning you, 2 more drinks to go, and if my horse ain't back, I'm gonna have to do what I did in Texas. And believe me, I DO NOT want to have to do what I did in Texas.'

The punters sat there nervously, fearing what could happen if the horse doesn't turn up. He knocks another shot back and goes to check on his horse, but still no sign. He crashes back in to the tavern:

'This is your last chance. If my horse ain't there after this last drink, I'm gonna have to do what I did in Texas. And I repeat I DO NOT wanna have to do what I did in Texas. Bartender! Get me my last whiskey!'

So he sinks his last drink and heads outside. Much to the punters relief his horse is back! They all breather a collective sigh of relief.

As he's mounting his horse, one brave soul approaches him and ask 'Sir? If you don't mind me asking, what happened back in Texas?'

'Well son, back in Texas, when my horse went missing.... I had to walk home.'

When he got it back, he noticed it didn't have any way to mount it. He called the taxidermist back and asked how he was supposed to hang it.

The taxidermist said, "Just press it up against the wall...

Fish sticks!"

Thanks to u/skeedlz daughter for the inspiration!

I should have been more clear when I told him to "tap the baby's back".

On the bright side, my baby has a new mount point!

It was ruled by a fair king who joyfully ruled his land. Unfortunately, the kingdom was also home to a wicked thief who loved nothing more than causing mayhem for all the inhabitants of the land.

However, the thief was not your ordinary thief. He only stole bells. Any kind of bell, whether a tiny bell from a kitten’s collar, all the way up to the bell from the king’s royal bell tower.

When the king awoke one morning, the bell tower’s bell was missing. The king, being brave and noble, decided to follow the thief back to his lair. He chose four of his most loyal soldiers, mounted his horse, and rode off into the snowy woods, following the footprints left behind on the ground.

Soon, he and his soldiers arrived to a clearing in the woods. In front of them was a large, bell-shaped building. They found the thief’s lair!Pointing to the recent tracks left in the snow by the thief, the king announced to the soldiers,

“Look! The Fresh Prints to Bell Lair!”