I dont put up with people who are missing appendages

I'm lack-toes intolerant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nyaleo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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I can't stand people who are missing toes.

I'm lack toes intolerant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/imatang
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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People who think semi-colons & commas are the same, are missing the point.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cactuscrash
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
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I hate when people have missing toes.

You might even say I'm...lack toes intolerant.

(Is this a dad joke? The gf is pretty baby crazy lately and i dont know if im ready yet)

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrRockenstein
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2018
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My friend says he can't stand people with missing toes.

He's lack-toes intolerant

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_love_420
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2016
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People say having a missing toe makes you more easily agitated with people, but honestly I’m more chill.

Guess I Lack toes and Tolerant

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeoNite
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2019
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What do you call racists who dont like people with missing toes ?

lacktoes intolerant

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2018
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There are two types of people in this world: those that can extrapolate the missing part of a set.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zythr009
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
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Why are people with missing stomachs always scared?

Because they have no guts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_love_420
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2016
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I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus.

Thats how i lost my job as a bus driver

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/poshnoshlosh
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
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FRIEND: I miss hugging people

ME: Probably a depth perception issue

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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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In honor of former president Donald J. Trump

[removed]

πŸ‘︎ 29k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Handleton
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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When people miss their shot.
πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rekep
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
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Here's a step-by-step guide on how to fall down stairs!

Step 28

Step 27

Step 24

Step 21

Step 16

Step 12

Step 7

Step 3

Step 1

πŸ‘︎ 651
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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You got that right
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AMswag123
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
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If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, then what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/noblegreed
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
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What’s Beethoven doing in his grave

De-composing

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toby-wan-Nalu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
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Is this true?
πŸ‘︎ 644
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hilloviikot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
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My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
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Title
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BanAllPineapples
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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From r/AskReddit
πŸ‘︎ 21k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cormsterr
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2018
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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Physical dad jokes
  • Pretending to pick fleas out of my kids hair and then eating them.
  • Waving back at people who clearly aren't waving at me.
  • Intentionally missing a high five.
  • Pressing the car horn when I'm in the passenger seat and the teenager is driving slowly past other people.
  • Answering "Yes dear" in a falsetto voice when one of the kids yells for mum.

What else have you got?

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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I want to help people spell diarrhea correctly.

Prevent irregular vowel movement.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KidDene
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2017
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If the Super Bowl went into overtime, does that mean the first 4 quarters were just a really long commercial since the game was Tide?

I really hope Tide had another commercial ready just in case.

Edit: Thank you for the Reddit Gold, kind stranger! My first!

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brady_bear3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2018
🚨︎ report
In Need of Pun Artists

Dear Reddit Community,

I need a pun that includes the word senator for my upcoming student election. I figure the wit of 382K people can't fail me. Thank you for your service. Owl miss you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GuyManGuy24
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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I recently read that β€œicy” was the easiest word to spell. I didn’t understand at first, but now

I see why.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VikingLord17
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2018
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Missouri has the most bordering states (8, tied with tennessee) out of any of the 50 United States of America. You know what they say, Missouri loves company.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudemanandnewman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2017
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When I was walking down the street, I ran into a celebrity with a Mohawk and jewelry. He looked at me and said, β€œI piy the fool!”

I said, β€œHey, you missed a T.”

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2018
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πŸ‘︎ 677
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mairiphinc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2017
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President Obama's 2016 Turkey-Pardon Dad Jokes: The Definitive List

[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]

The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.

"It is my great privilege β€” well, it's my privilege β€” actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.

Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."

And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:

"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."

"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."

"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."

"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."

[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."

"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."

"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "

"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."

"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)

"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."

[from NPR -- http://www.npr.org/2016/11/23/503178220/president-obamas-2016-turkey-pardon-dad-jokes-the-definitive-list?utm_source=facebook.com

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/see2keroppi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2016
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No joke I just miss my dad. Happy fathers day in heaven dad dad daddy-o
πŸ‘︎ 709
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
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Dad mind fucks me from across town.

I was at a met station waiting for a met yesterday to go see my dad and this old man came up to me tapped me on the shoulder and said

"Don't turn around. We know who you are and we have come to help."

"Help with what?"

"You'll know soon but it's OK we are on your side"

He then walked off the met stop on the phone as if he wasn't even waiting for a met.


So it fucking turned out right my dad knows this fucking guy from working on the taxis and the guy text my dad to say he had seen me. My dad tells this guy to fucking follow me onto the met stop and play out this fucking routine.

^^^Edit:Fuck

My dads a dick...


Brit glossary:

Met = Metrolink -http://www.metrolink.co.uk/Pages/default.aspx - Overground rail travel. (Tram)

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lordsmish
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2014
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That's a shitty pun ;-;
πŸ‘︎ 623
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dankmonseiur69
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2017
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My girlfriend was having rough morning getting ready for class... I don't think I helped

So my girlfriend and I are both in college and I'm at her dorm waiting for her to get ready for class. She takes off her glasses and starts looking through her drawer when she says "Aw why did I do this to myself? I ran out of contacts"

I go "Babe, if it's more friends that you need, we can go out tonight and meet new people"

After the usual eye roll she goes "No I wanna see"

To which I reply, "Why would you want a C? I'm shooting for at least a B or an A in all of my classes"

That was probably the heaviest sigh I've ever heard from her

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GuexDota
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2016
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My boyfriend used my shower last night...

Me: "So you can use any of my soap or shampoo you find in the shower. I set a clean towel on the counter for you and pushed the stool under the sink so you won't trip over it."

Boyfriend: "I mean, I'd prefer if you flushed any stool down the toilet before I shower, but as long as I don't trip on it I guess we're okay."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lovekelly
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2016
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A sweet old man who stops by to chat when he goes out for a walk told us this joke. (His wife had said "Don't tell anyone your silly joke... It's horrible.")

Old Man : "Never fall in love with a tennis professional."

Us : "Why Not?"

Old Man : "Because love means nothing to them."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2015
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I'll tell you what's staggering

That the joke about the 5 minute walk to the pub can be posted NINE TIMES IN FOUR DAYS.

Why can't people just search the sub and check if something has been posted recently before posting? It's not difficult!

I know the sub doesn't have a specific rule about reposts, and the occasional repost allows people who missed a joke the first time to see it again, but this joke has moved into the realm of spam.

Please, admins, take action against this lazy, karma-whoring abuse of this sub.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eastawat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
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Dad's daughter was hiding

http://i.imgur.com/enartAh.png

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GiveMeBackMySon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2016
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An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.

When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a β€œW.C.” in the room or even down the hall. (A W.C. is short for β€œwater closet” and is what the English call a toilet.) So she immediately emailed the pastor to ask him where the β€œW.C.” is located.

The Swiss pastor had never heard of a β€œW.C.,” and so he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled β€œWayside Chapels.” Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:

Ms. Smith,

I look forward to your move. Regarding your question about the location of the W.C., the closest W.C. is situated only two miles from the room you have rented, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. The W.C. has aΒ maximum occupancy of 229 people, but not that many people usually go on weekdays. I suggest youΒ plan to go on Thursday evenings when there is a sing-along. The acoustics are remarkable and the happy sounds of so many people echo throughout the W.C.

Sunday mornings are extremely crowded. The locals tend to arrive early and many bring their lunches to make a day of it. Those who arrive just in time can usually be squeezed into the W.C. before things start, but not always. Best to go early if you can!

It may interest you to know that my own daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I remember how everyone crowded in to sit close to the bride and groom. There were two people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one, but our friends and family were happy to share. Β I will admit that my wife and I felt particularly relieved when it was over. We were truly wiped out.

Because of my responsibilities in town, I can’t go as often as I used to. In fact, I haven’t been in well over a year. I can tell you I really miss regularly going to the W.C. Let’s plan on going together for your first visit. I can reserve us seats where you will be seen by all.

Sincerely,

Pastor Kurt Meier

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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My Grandpa's favorite dad joke of all time...

Whenever driving past a cemetery..

Grandpa: How many do you think are dead in there?

Me: I don't know, how many?

Grandpa: I would guess all of them...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/septumus_prime
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2014
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My dad likes to call people "Doo-doo" as a joke.

He really likes to yell it when looking for people and he does it so often that his co-workers started calling him "Doo-doo". So the other day a new hire witnessed this exchange,

Co-worker: Hey Doo-doo can you check for a part that came in? Dad: Yeah no prob.

Confused she asked him: Why do people call you Doo-doo?!

Without missing a beat my dad turned to her and said: CAUSE IM THE SHIT!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/1jet007
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2017
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked a city... kinda

So in Canberra people are picking their own mushrooms; which would be fine except for the rather hazardous Death Caps that seem to be plentiful right now. A local radio station asked their listeners whether hey thought mushroom sales at stores or restaurants would go down, and what people thought of the whole issue. With a decade of experience in hospitality I thought I'd call and while waiting to go on air, the presenters joked about calling up the head 'mushroom guy' for Australia and asking their opinion.

I go on air and assure them that no restaurant worth their salt would risk their name and business by buying mushrooms that weren't from an official farm. But just before They bid me farewell I said; "I hope you do get to talk to the head mushroom person, I bet he's a real Fungi".

There was silence followed by barely audible raucous laughter from what sounded like either outside their booth or over the intercom, I'm not sure. The presenters denied me an on air groan or laugh and just pretended like I had said nothing. But someone laughed... Someone...

[Edit: Wow, unable to log in to reddit for a day and I miss getting nearly eight times more up votes than I have since joining Reddit last year. Thanks all! I knew having a 1 yr old would pay off.]

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SketchGoatee
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2014
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Paging

I hope this is the proper venue for this post. If not, feel free to delete me.

This came from when I was doing production lighting. Every once in a while during concert setup the audio tech would need help with mic check. Now the "real" audio guys would always just stand there going "check check check one two". Me being not a real audio guy wanted to have more fun than that, so I would always do "pages" as if I was paging people. But I would use these assumed names. Here is a partial list of names I would use. If you look closely you might notice a familiar u/name or two.

Paging Mister Lobbla … Mister Bob Lobbla (from Arrested Development)

Paging Mister Vitoomey … Mister Lee Vitoomey

Paging Mister Frescoe … Mister Al Frescoe

Paging Miss Haivure … Miss Bee Haivure

Paging Miss Mitch … Miss Miranda Mitch (my random itch - from The Mick?)

Paging Miss Dactyl … Miss Tara Dactyl

Paging Miss Falactec … Miss Anna Falactec

Paging Miss Tonin … Miss Sarah Tonin

Paging Mister Zinette … Mister Ray Zinnette

Paging Mister Reader … Mister Chip Reader

Paging Miss Kiaki … Miss Sue Kiaki

Paging Mister Doffish … Mister Stan Doffish

Paging Mister Debank … Mister Robin Debank

Paging Mister Festo … Mister Manny Festo

Paging Mister Ifornia … Mister Cal Ifornia

Paging Mister Itosis … Mister Hal Itosis

Paging Mister Saroni … Mister Rye Saroni

Paging Mister Nasium … Mister Jim Nasium

Paging Mister Aroon … Mister Mac Aroon

Paging Miss Ester … Miss Polly Ester

Paging Miss Rexia … Miss Anna Rexia

Paging Mister Zapan … Mister Pete Zapan

Paging Mister Tenuff … Mister Jess Tenuff

Paging Miss Eous … Miss Elaine Eous

Paging Mister Aroni … Mister Mac Aroni

Paging Mister Preneur … Mister Andre Preneur

Paging Mister Cetera … Mister Ed Cetera

Paging Mr. Zapple … Mr. Adam Zapple

Paging Mr. Bino … Mr. Al Bino

Paging Miss Slapter … Miss Ida Slapter

Paging Miss Talia … Miss Jenna Talia

Paging Mr. Rafone … Mr. Mike Rafone

Paging Mr. Zark … Mr. Noah Zark

Paging Miss Yoki … Miss Carey Yoki

Paging Mr. Foolery … Mr. Tom Foolery

Paging Mr. Atric … Mr. Jerry Atric

Paging Mr. Duttank … Mr. Phillip Duttank

Paging Mr. Anoma … Mr. Mel Anoma

Paging Mister Jass … Mr. Hugh Jass

Paging Mr. Onella … Mr. Sam Onella

Paging Mr. Maphobe … Mr. Jer Maphobe

Paging Mr. Packa … Mr. Al Packa

Paging Mister Dente … Mister Al Dente

Paging Miss Conda … Miss Anna Conda

Paging Miss Sharalike … Miss Sharon Sharalike

Paging Miss Bellum … Miss Sarah Bellum

Paging Miss Mennopey … Miss

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayZinnet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2018
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Joke chain...

So I had a great chain of old jokes today in my morning meeting.

I started with "I bought a violin from a one armed seller yesterday. He said he played it by ear".

As the meeting progressed, I realized I could chain additional jokes together. 10 minutes later I followed up with it, "That one armed violin seller... he has a sister named Katrina. She's missing a leg so she likes to call herself I-Lean". The room laughed and there were many people who said "that's kinda wrong".

Then I followed up with, "Well she's not as bad off as her dad. The dad's missing two legs. When he goes in the swimming pool, they call him Bob."

And then I finished with, "But he still likes to water ski. When he does, they call him Skip".

It's funny because it all chains together.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLe99
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2018
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I can't stand people who are missing toes.

You could say I'm lack toes intolerant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lord_Harkonan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
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I hate people with missing toes

Because I'm lack toes intolerant

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josefali3011
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
🚨︎ report

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