Ereptile dysfunction.
A friend with benifits
Seagull and ready to mingull
took me a month to realise his name was keith but he at had an eye missing.
Its a cover band.
A sample
(Actual joke from my Dad)
To wit: to woo.
I wasn't going to go, but he twisted my arm
The obstetrician came to the bridge, squinted into the night and said:
"Congratulations, Captain. It's a buoy!"
Turns out it’s about Chess strategies.
Zeno’s pair of ducks
A cheetah.
No I deer. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs.
Still no eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs turning back flips?
Still no flipping eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, turning back flips next to his friend the giraffe?
Still no flipping eye deer a tall mate!
Sat in the garden listening to multiple frogs calling eating during mating season. It was so loud. I said to my partner “it’s like listening to frogsporn”
Finally my high school Karate lessons came to some use.
A bloke has been feeling unwell, decides to go the doctor to get checked out.
Doctor: I'm afraid you've got a terminal illness, uncureable, only 200 or so people in the country have it.
Bloke: My god that's awful what's it called?
Doctor: I'm afraid to say sir, you've contracted Yellow 34
Bloke goes home to his wife, sitting in the kitchen all sad. Tells the wife: darling I've been to the doctor's, I have an illness called Yellow 34, it's uncureable and I'm really worried.
Wife: I'm so sorry darling but it sounds like nothing we can do Why don't you come to Bingo to take your mind off it?
@Bingo
Bloke wins 3 games in a row, full house every time, can't believe his luck. Goes up to collect his prize for the 3rd time.
Bingo caller: Sir, I've been calling number here for 15 years and never seen anything like it, you must be the luckiest person in the world.
Bloke: To be honest mate, I've had some bad news today, just came to Bingo to take my mind off it.
I've got Yellow 34.
Bingo caller: Fucking hell, you've won the bloody raffle as well!!
It has started to decimate the population since they aren't mating with the female lions. People are calling it the worst infestation of dandy-lions in history!
It's called AniMate
It’s called Czech mate
One called Justin and the other called Kristian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area:
Finally one day Justin said to Kristian. "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said. "Your wish is granted" Low and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn..
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristian's home. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted. "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Kristian replied. "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back. "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed....... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian!!.. 🤪🤣
It's called Czech-Mate.
I call him my Czech mate.
" It's my new counting system, see that special collar on me dog, it's got a camera and it scans the sheep as the dog rounds them up. "
"Damn me, what'll they think of next? What's it called?"
"Baa codes mate"
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
“Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
“I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”
Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”
“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”
I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.
If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”
I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.
“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”
“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
“How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it
“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”
The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
... keep reading on reddit ➡He calls him his roux mate.
Hey guys, this might sound too cheesy and I'm not sure if I'm posting on the right subreddit.
Every Saturday I give my SO a printed typography paper that I personally design with a pun of her name on it (her name is Des, I call her Mae so either is good).
Problem is, I can make the designs, but I'm running out of puns. Here's a list of what I've already done:
Des puns:
-
Hardest
-
Wordes (Words)
-
Widest
-
Uncondesionally (Unconditionally)
-
DrivES
-
Dessert
-
Fades
-
Des (This)
-
Holidess (Happy Holidays!)
-
Desperate
-
Desision (Decision)
-
Decades
-
Desert
-
Destination
-
Dress (DrESs)
-
Despresso (Espresso)
Mae puns:
- Maend (I hope you don't maend(mind)
- Maecadamia (Macadamia)
- Maengo (Mango)
- Maecaroni (Macaroni)
- Maeple (Maple)
- Lifetimae (Lifetime)
- Imaegine (Imagine)
- Chamaeleon (Chameleon)
- Caramael (Caramel)
- Achievemaent (Achievement)
- Gmaes (Games)
- Maek (Make)
- Drmae (Dream)
- Dramey (Dreamy)
- Maesure (Measure)
- Blmae (Blame)
- Maet (Mate)
- Climaet (Climate)
- Ultimaet (Ultimate)
- Maebe (Maybe)
- Mae (My one and only)
- Mae (Whatever May Happen)
- Maen (You mean everything to me)
- Maent (We're meant to be)
- Amaezing (Amazing)
- Maeutiful (Beautiful... I know)
- Maechiatto (Macchiato)
I'd really appreciate some help if you guys have any puns reserved. Anything will do, really.
Thanks!
EDIT: Formatting
Really excited so called my mate to tell him.
"I didn't think you like that sort of music, but whatever floats your boat I guess", he commented
I replied: "no mate, that's BUOYANCY"!
And he's not letting anyone go home at reasonable hours or take leave until the big project's . He's been working early mornings and late nights . It's been going on for weeks. they're all tired and homesick. I haven't had a meal with him at home all month which really sucks because he was a great laugh at dinner time. Even when I do see him he's too overworked to even think straight.
Anyway, yesterday Phil, one of his workmates had a brilliant plan.
He turned to my Dad and said to him; "I've had enough of this crap, I'm going home and calling in sick for the next couple of days!"
My dad is amazed. "Phil!" he says, "You can't do that - you'll get sacked!"
"Don't worry, mate," says Phil, "I've got it all worked out." tapping his nose. Out of the blue he reaches up and grabs the ceiling fan (It was off) and hangs upside down from it. My dad has no idea what's going on and tries to ask him, but Phil doesn't answer.
Eventually the boss walks in and asks "Phil - what the Hell are you doing?"
"I'm a lightbulb." replies Phil.
The boss is surprised and realises the guy needs to go home and sends him off for a couple of days. All of a sudden my Dad gets up too and walks away.
"What do you think you're doing?" says the boss.
"You don't expect me to work in the Dark do you?" replies my Dad.
I do know now why my mate calls himself the pun train, his jokes are always late.
Met a nice Korean girl while sitting in the airport. I realized we had a lot of stuff in common, so we exchanged numbers before I left, and we're still friends today.
Sometimes I call her my Seoul Mate, but I don't know.
We're in the Australian zone and my dad turns to me and asks, "What do baby kangaroo brothers call each other?"
...
"Roo-mates."
I'm a kitchen hand, and we take these big containers the chefs fill with dirty pans etc to clean the contents. These containers are called warwicks (pronounced "WORRICK").
I took one of these warwicks, and the chef next to me thanked me. As a response to his thank you, I just said "hey mate, no warwicks!"
Chef turned to look at me in disappointment, and almost dropped a pan of garlic prawns.
I just came back from a holiday back to the UK to visit friends and family (am an expat).
While we were there we went to a nice community festival, with some great beers. An American friend of a friend proudly proclaimed that he’d bought a pint of red stout.
Looking up at the board, and seeing the name of the beer, my eyes lit up: a golden opportunity had just presented itself.
‘Nah mate, that’s not red stout, it’s called Red Stoat. You do know what a stoat is, right?
[confusion]
‘Well, it’s a little rodent, a bit like a weasel. You know how you can tell the difference between a stoat and a weasel?’
‘Er..’
‘Well’, I says, ‘a weasel is weasily identifiable, and a stoat is stoatally different.’
Cue a puzzled look on the guys face, and a moment’s silence, broken by me and my friend pissing ourselves laughing, not at the joke of course, but at his reaction.
So this was all very well and good, just another in the litany of bad jokes that floats in my wake, and I thought the story ended there.
Karma, however, had other plans…
A few days later, we’re up in the Lake District, walking back to the hotel after a pub dinner. As we’re walking down the road, we see a small carnivorous rodent dragging the recently deceased body of a rabbit back to its home. It was either a stoat, or a weasel, but you know what? I honestly had no way to tell which…
It has started to decimate the population since they aren't mating with the female lions. People are calling it the worst infestation of dandy-lions in history!
It's called Czech-Mate
... Or as I like to call him, my Czech mate
