Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"
"That's M'Shell on my back!"
π︎ 11k
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︎ Jan 25 2021
Her: Iβm leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.
π︎ 13k
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︎ Jan 23 2021
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
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︎ Jan 10 2021
A man walks into his doctorβs office and says, βDoctor, I think Iβm addicted to Twitter.β
The doctor looks at him and says, βSorry, I donβt follow you."
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︎ Feb 01 2021
Itβs been years since the show ended, and Iβm a little annoyed that people are still making βFriendsβ references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
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︎ Feb 02 2021
I'm going to start a yacht building business in my attic
Sails should go through the roof
π︎ 195
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︎ Jan 28 2021
I'm reading a horror story in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
π︎ 48
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︎ Feb 06 2021
My son asked me, βBecause of the pandemic, Iβm on the computer 12 hours a day. Is that bad?β
Me: That canβt be comfortable. Try a chair instead.
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︎ Jan 25 2021
Well, after all this time, they finally came in! I guess Iβm a dad now!
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︎ Jan 26 2021
i'm beginning to feel like a pun god
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︎ Jan 25 2021
I'm currently reading a book about the life of Henry Ford.
π︎ 142
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︎ Jan 15 2021
I'm gonna start a German themed donut shop.
Any investors interested in backing Gluten Morgen?
Pretty proud of that one.
π︎ 14
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︎ Jan 25 2021
I'm starting a band called Blanket.
π︎ 27
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︎ Feb 01 2021
Doctor said Iβm at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
π︎ 64
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︎ Jan 15 2021
I'm planning to implement a new weight-loss method that will require people to wear winter gloves making it harder for them to eat.
I will call it "Inter-mitten fasting".
π︎ 107
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︎ Jan 25 2021
I've made up my mind. I'm choosing a career path as an electrician.
I just found out you get to work with dikes and strippers.
π︎ 10
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︎ Jan 21 2021
Iβm not sure why people refer to womenβs privates as a flower
π︎ 20
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︎ Jan 23 2021
I'm making a videogame where the enemies are soda cans!
I haven't started drawing the sprites yet.
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︎ Jan 29 2021
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.
I've just handed in my too weak notice.
π︎ 8k
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︎ Oct 22 2020
Iβm a proud dad. My daughter just told me this joke. In Hawaii, do people laugh loud?
Or is it a low ha (Aloha)
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︎ Feb 02 2021
I've heard that if you exercise, drink plenty of water, and get enough sleep, your brain might nominate you for a prestigious award. I haven't won yet but I'm still trying!
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︎ Feb 03 2021
My wife said "I'm leaving you because you're always pretending to be a transformer"
I said "no wait, I can change."
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︎ Jan 07 2021
Just saw that joke about eating a clock for the umpteenth time. Finally decided to try eating a clock myself, but now I'm freaking out.
I think I picked up a nervous tic.
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︎ Jan 29 2021
I'm working on a device that can read minds
I'd love to hear your thoughts
π︎ 11
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︎ Jan 30 2021
People say Iβm like a broken record...
People say Iβm like a broken record...
People say Iβm like a broken record...
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︎ Jan 31 2021
A friend of mine just said to me βIβm training to be garbage manβ
I said βYou donβt need training for that! You just pick it up as you go alongβ
π︎ 59
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︎ Dec 31 2020
I'm writing a book about falling down stairs...
It's a step by step guide.
π︎ 55
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︎ Jan 06 2021
All this stress lately has me trying new things. For example, I've discovered that brake fluid is actually delicious. I'm up to a case a day, but there's no need to worry about me.
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︎ Jan 18 2021
A Man rushed into a Doctor's office shouting ' help me Doctor, I'm shrinking' The Doctor calmly said ' Now settle down a bit '..
.. you'll just have to learn to be a little patient.
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︎ Jan 06 2021
I'm making a new documentary about hay-fever, called 'My Nose.'
My Nose will be streaming soon.
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︎ Feb 07 2021
I'm really into the first row of a csv.
You could call me a header-row sexual
π︎ 16
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︎ Jan 07 2021
My partner is telling me that I'm gaining a lot of weight from eating a lot of Indian food
But I think it's a naan issue.
π︎ 9
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︎ Jan 20 2021
Iβm reading a book on the history of glue....
I canβt seem to put it down.
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︎ Nov 28 2020
I just bought a new treadmill today and Iβm not sure how to process this monumental purchase.
I guess Iβll take it one step at a time.
π︎ 9
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︎ Jan 31 2021
Hereβs a little early access to a pun I made. Iβm not sure if this joke has been said before but I hope not. I love making up puns
π︎ 49
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︎ Dec 16 2020
Now that Iβm officially a dad I have my first good joke. Me and my wife are driving down the road and a bug splats the window.
I turn to her and say βI bet he donβt have the guts to do that againβ
Edit: holy shit yβall this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy
π︎ 6k
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︎ Aug 04 2020
When people find out Iβm not a very good electrician
π︎ 14
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︎ Jan 23 2021
So Iβm at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still donβt know because he hasnβt opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
βDad, I knew that story wasnβt real because you donβt have any friendsβ
π»π»ππβ οΈβ οΈ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
π︎ 17
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︎ Jan 10 2021
Are physical puns a thing here? I'm just gonna leave this here
π︎ 91
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︎ Nov 05 2020
"Dad! I'm so chuffed, I got a B in reading."
π︎ 3
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︎ Jan 29 2021
Wife: Iβm trying to cut a piece of wood, but it wonβt stay in place.
Husband: I recommend that you use this clamp with my companyβs logo on it.
Wife: I donβt need your advise!
π︎ 9
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︎ Jan 11 2021
I'm writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes...
It's only a draft at the moment.
π︎ 8
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︎ Jan 06 2021
I'm struggling to secure a ps5 for my son.
π︎ 34
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︎ Dec 17 2020
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
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︎ Dec 16 2020
Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
π︎ 37
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︎ Dec 31 2020
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
π︎ 30
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︎ Dec 26 2020
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
Our first single is "Bread or Alive."
π︎ 78
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︎ Nov 28 2020
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