One of my best friends made this for me for my birthday. I love it
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GTS_jduartemiller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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There's this one saying that I love.

Care for the people and they'll take care of you. Don't care for the people and they'll take care of you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Artisticspawm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
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I love archery but it has one problem.

There are too many drawbacks.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Artisticspawm
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
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In today’s inclusive culture; people are finding love from many sources. One lady was dating her closet; but, unfortunately the love affair ended.

The lady didn’t like her lover’s many hang ups.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlickHeadSinger
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
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I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years, β€œWill you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?” She smiled and answered...

β€œI do!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
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I love this one 😹
πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/meow__meg
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
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β€œI love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. β€œAll you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. β€œWhat did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

β€œYou herd me!"

πŸ‘︎ 782
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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My 15 month old daughter has been saying "momma" and "dadda" a lot now, and I tried using this to my advantage...

Secretly (when my wife was out), I'd ask her "who do you love more?", and praise her when she said "dadda!". This has been going on for weeks now.

The other day, my wife got home and I wanted to show her my little 'trick'. So I asked our daughter, "Who do you love more?", in which case she replied "dadda!" and ran towards my wife (which is very clearly her favourite btw).

My wife, who didn't care much for the new thing I taught our daughter, bent down and picked her up to cuddle with her. Her facial expression changed a bit, then she laughed. She looked at me and said "well, she ran to me as she said that, and her diaper is full... so clearly she was full of crap when she said that!"

My wife is now in on the dad jokes and won this one!

Edit: Bolded the text to emphasize what part of this story was the dad joke...

Final Edit: My wife was surprised at how much this blew up! She says thanks to everyone, but she has no idea what the awards are for (since she doesn’t use Reddit). πŸ˜‚

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2021
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What do mechanical engineers gift their loved ones?

Baerings.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chakith_kumar
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
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Never date a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wavepoolsquad
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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Take it easy people. Pretty soon you'll be able to kiss and have sex with the one you love.

But for now, stay at home and do it with the one you're married to.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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The new funeral home in town will not let me view my loved ones before their burial, sadly.

Unbereavable...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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I love this one
πŸ‘︎ 104
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πŸ‘€︎ u/undertale_fan34
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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There is one place in this world where you can truly love yourself.

In the master bedroom

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_BoogiepoP_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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Appreciation: I love this sub's jokes, but we all know the real dad jokes are the ones in the comments

I love that the real dad jokes are the dad's trying to make a second joke based on the post haha. None of them are funny, they're all dry as the Sahara Desert, but like all good dad's, they're determined to keep trying.

Keep it up you silly gooses!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ninthpower
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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Grandma Jokes anyone? Hit me with your best dad jokes for my Grandma who loves dumb jokes and needs some laughs

I hope this type of post is allowed!

I am going to visit my grandma this Tuesday to say goodbye to her. She is 87 and very ill, she is mentally still with it but in a lot of pain. She sounds at peace, I think she is just doing her best to hang on til we can get to her.

My grandma loves stupid jokes, dad jokes, puns, all that stuff. I’d love to share some laughs with her when I say goodbye. Hit me with your favorite and dumbest dad jokes and I will share the best ones with her.

Thank you Reddit fam!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/atrashx
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2021
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Facebook loved this one by MC-Dino, he hopes Reddit does same...
πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mbs3
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
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My cousin is obsessed with Belle Delphine (long)

I’m worried about my cousin. He’s 28 with a good job. Has a lot in common with me (nerdy habits: board games, gaming conventions, anime etc). Unfortunately I have recently learned that he is one of those poor souls obsessed with Belle Delphine. Apparently it started out innocently enough. My cousin is into cosplay. He’s into girls. Ooh, there’s cosplay girls on the internet? What began as a YouTube channel subscription and a few dozen likes on Instagram has progressed into something much more serious. This man is spending money. My cousin’s social media accounts have recently featured pictures of him with his Belle Delphine merch. T-shirts, body pillows, there’s even some kind of bed spread/comforter with her googly-eyed tongue-outy face on it. Did you know that Belle Delphine briefly partnered with Tom’s shoes for a limited edition series of footwear? I knew that, because my cousin won’t shut up about how he bought them all. He’s got at least three jars of dirty bath water and a gaming keyboard with her face on it. It’s really sad. I think the isolation of the pandemic really exacerbated his behavior. He says that he and Belle are destined to be together. For my part, I’m telling him that this isn’t healthy behavior, and I’m encouraging him to seek counseling. I’m convinced he has a mental health issue like Obsessive Love Disorder or Erotomania. Afterall, he does have all of the Simp Toms.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2021
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I love Stranger Than Fiction, and here's one of the many reasons why.
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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#2187

Sorry, I know it's a repost, but I love that one!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2021
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One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, 'When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger.

Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. Don't love me anymore?'

'Nonsense, darling,' replied the husband, 'you just cook better now.'

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2021
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I recently visited Germany...

Absolutely loved it except for one thing: the food was the wurst.

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlejandroPiedra
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
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Unfortunate events

There was this guy, mid to late twenties, black hair, just average next door type of guy. Mind you, he's not a dad yet. He's a honest worker who worked his way up in his job and makes a decent living for a man of his age. When he was a kid he was not extremely sharp and people would make fun of his stupidity. But he didn't care about that. He gave all he could and went abroad to get the best education from the best university of his time. He graduated top of the class. The he came back to his home town, got a job and fell in love with a beautiful young girl. They were about to get married but unfortunately for some reason god went "hmmm he's doing good for someone his age, better have small chat with him" and took him and he dropped dead just days before his wedding day. The bride who was about to get married to that man was absolutely devasted. She was so in love but unfortunately that didn't end well. She shut herself off from the world and cried every night. Lucky, for her the man left all he earned to be passed on to her if he happened to pass away before her. Then after a year of grieving the girl pulled herself out of her sadness and seclusion and bought a nice house for herself and settled there. But she never got married or made love The on one nice evening the women decided to go to the nearest pub and get some social interaction. She saw this young lad drinking booze all by himself and noticed he kinda looked sad. The lady decided to talk to that guy because she knew how miserable sadness can be. So she initiated a convo with that young lad. The lad took notice of the effort and kind heart of the lady and decided to share his life story, how he grew up in farm house and how he loved farming and all. He was rather peculiar about tractors and such farm equipments, spoke like someone describing about their love of their life. The lady noticed his love for his profession and inquired more. He went on to talk about tractors and all and how he dreamt of riding one when he was a kid and everything. He proceeded to tell how a few years ago a terrible accident made him hate the very tractors he loved as a kid. For someone who inquired more, the lady got tired of hearing about farm equipments and decided to call her day off and told the guy she's going to head back to her house. It was late night about half past 10 and so the lad offered to walk her home. The lady and the lad started to walk down the sub urbs, where the houses were distant and people occup

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uberdumb
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2021
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How do you make a Lamborghini?

You get a Sheeporghini and a Ramborghini to fall in love.

My 12-year-old daughter and I came up with this one together.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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I caught my wife with another man

Some stories have hooks.

This story has a bloody good one.

It's about loveβ€”

Or at least marriage.

My marriage.

At heart, it's your typical fish out of water story, but like I said there's a hook.

The hook's in the beginning.

Although it's really the tail end that's most movingβ€”at least now, when our love's drying up.

Understand:

I'm a fisherman, and I caught my wife with another man.

Well, I caught the man first.

I used Craigslist.

But I suppose the details don't really matter. It's enough to know that by the time he was naked in the shed it was too late for him to change his mind.

He broke down easily. He wasn't particularly thick skinned.

That's where the hook came inβ€”

pushed through a fold of flesh on his back.

He wasn't much in the size department, but I didn't intend for him to get hung up on it. Unfortunately, he kept trying to escape, so what choice did I have? Then he seemed quite insecure, so I pierced him with another steel hook just in case.

Like I said:

Bloody good hook.

After he stopped struggling, I took him down and dragged him to my boat. Then we went fishing.

Hold on, though.

I may need to backtrack a little, because you may be wondering how I even knew she was out there.

The answer is: I'd already seen her swimming a few times.

It was love at first sight.

Like many couples nowadays we met on the net.

So back to when I was fishing:

I was in my boat with the Craigslist man with the steel hooks in his back. I had tied a thick rope to one of the hooks, placed the man onto a net, and pushed them both overboard. He splashed and choked, attracting a lot of attention.

I waited for her call.

It came.

She sounded so near to me.

When she swam just close enough to the Craigslist man in the water, I pulled in the netβ€”and there she was: shining, mine to the gills and writhing so enticingly!

I took her ashore.

I placed her in a water tank and told her she would be my wife.

I screwed herβ€”

shut.

For days I watched her bangβ€”

on the glass.

Until one day it happened: the glass cracked, the tank broke open, and with the water she spilled onto the floor.

Now here I am, watching my marriage fall apart.

Her gills are barely stirring.

Her face: dry and still.

It's only her scaly tail that's still gently moving.

I caught my wife with another man. I met her on the net. I thought our love would last forever, but now, listening to her shriek, I realize I was catfished! I wanted to marry a sirenβ€”but this thing is nothing

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/normancrane
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2021
🚨︎ report
And she calls it "This Land"

Having a bit of a discipline issue with my daughter... she'll bring a pile of sand inside and make what she calls her "land". It's sand arranged in a flattish layer, with toy animals and her lego house (Friends^TM , why she no like diggers and helicopters and whatever, why she gotta be so girly??). She doesn't like getting her hand dirty while she's doing it, wears a glove to keep clean, so you'd think she could understand the concept that I don't like the floor getting dirty... but no, she doesn't give a shit.

Had her third birthday party recently, and gave her a Skye (Paw Patrol) plushy, she loves it. Because it's her newest and most favourite toy in the whole world, and because it was for her birthday, we can't confiscate it no matter what.

Very next day, she makes her land again, Skye's there at the side - she's too big to sit in the middle, it would dominate all the plastic dinosaurs and lego Friends people (not the usual mini-figs, they're a bit more anatomically correct, anyway that's not important right now). So I'm all angry and "why you keep doing this", take the glove off her and sweep up the sand. Put her in the time out cage for a bit. Well, we call it the cage, it's just a cupboard under the stairs which is a bit shorter than her so she has to sit there if she doesn't want to bump her head. Throw her in there for one minute per year of age, is the standard procedure.

Anyway, as we close the door she starts singing...

Take my glove

Take my land

Take me where I cannot stand

I don't care

I'm still three

You can't take this Skye from me

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cman_yall
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Have you or a loved one had to wear glasses and a mask

You may be entitled to condensation

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GucciDuc
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
For the notorious dad joker who wants to melt a heart

Try out this almost joke that my 8 year old used on me this morning …

Knock Knock.

Whose there?

Good.

Good who?

Good Morning, I love you.

……

……

He caught me off guard and turned me into a puddle.

Feel free to try it out on your unsuspecting loved ones. They’ll never see it coming from someone who is usually full of the jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LALNB
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2021
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I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.

They taught me periscoping techniques.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HouseofKannan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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Forever in love with one of my favorite puns : Tea Rex
πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnappyKoi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
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I for one, love Roman numerals
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mbiggs92
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2018
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The One That Made Me Love Dad Jokes

My Step dad told me this one about 25 years ago (I was around 12?) and I've loved it, and dad jokes, ever since.....

A guy named Benny was walking down the beach when he found a magic lamp.

When he rubbed the lamp, a genie came out and said he got three wishes. However, he must agree to never shave again. If he did, he would become an urn.

Benny wished for riches, women and a VERY long life.

Years upon years had passed; and Benny's beard was so long it was difficult to manage. He decided that surely the genie who had granted his wishes so long ago had forgotten about him, and so he shaved his beard off.

POOF!!

He was an urn.

What's the moral of the story?

A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CandyceCox
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
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My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.

I have had a Canon printer for years.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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Love food ones
πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NEONred69
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
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Would you take your loved one for treatment hear?
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
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No one
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/babydluv21
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
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Alright people i will not hide it anymore, i love one.

What number do you love ?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr-Merg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
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Protect your family and loved ones from the Coronavirus.

Switch to Heineken.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NissanSkylineGT-R
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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If there's one reason why I love the shovel...

It's because it was a ground-breaking invention

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
When Manhattan Project workers needed to keep their jobs secret, they would leave and tell their loved ones:

"I'm going on a fission trip."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IncompotentCyborg
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
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In spite of all our disagreements on Reddit, I’m glad about one thing.

Every one reading this is on the same page.

Edit: Thanks guys. This is way too much love.

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
How come no one at the kings table laughed when he farted?

Because noble gases don't cause reaction

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JBaczuk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I took Uber yesterday. The driver said, β€œI love my job. I’m my own boss. No one tells me what to do.”

I said, β€œPlease turn left.”

πŸ‘︎ 272
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Today my wife said "I would love to go to the south of France one day"

I said that would be Nice

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spaceman_spiff19
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I, for one, love Roman numerals.
πŸ‘︎ 135
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrankSoup
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2018
🚨︎ report

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