I love using the word "mucho" around my Spanish-speaking friends

It really means a lot to them.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ok_Presence36
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2022
🚨︎ report
β€œI love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. β€œAll you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. β€œWhat did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

β€œYou herd me.”

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2022
🚨︎ report
I love telling seasonal jokes. My Summer jokes are always the hottest around, I'm blooming with Spring ones, Winter jokes are always cool, but when comes to Autumn

I tend to fall short.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/acherem13
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2021
🚨︎ report
My son walked into the living room only to find me looking around all misty eyed. Reluctantly, he asked, "What's up pop?" I blubbered, "My boy, I really love our furniture..."

"Me and my recliner go way back."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I love my local team so much I hang from the ceiling and spin around.

I'm a big fan.

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bryanBr
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I love this warm weather coming around. Really puts a Spring in my step.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wood_and_rock
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I used to love riding my bike around Iceland

Until I got kicked out of the shop.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orduk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Have you seen the new sitcom based around the sectarian Islamic takeover of the city of brotherly love?

It's Always Suni In Philadelphia.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaenHoffiCoffi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2018
🚨︎ report
I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...

Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2022
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Well this was punny interaction.
πŸ‘︎ 126
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zzuhruf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2022
🚨︎ report
Apparently not a joke

I'm a son without a father... I lost him a few days ago to a heart attack and I just... can't stop crying

We both used to check out this sub daily for amazing dad jokes and laugh at them together... We'd try to form our own stupid stuff

I used to wake up for college early in the morning I'd cook some breakfast for him get ready and before leaving I'd wake him up and tell him a stupid dad joke... I'd want to see him start his day with a smile

I just want to thank you all in this sub for giving me and my dad happiness your jokes made us laugh at our worst times

Out of habit I keep getting up to go to his room with a dad joke... Only to see it empty

I'm never gonna get to mess around with my dad again... I'm never going to hang out with him again he's not going to be there to see me grow up and buy a house of my own ... He's not going to see me buy a car of own ... He's not going to see me get married... He's gone forever and I will never get to start my day with a smile again from a silly dad joke with him

He wasn't the greatest dad but he certainly was the best I could ever ask for ... I will miss you dad

Thank you r/dadjokes to all the amazing dads here and their funny and stupid jokes

Edit : thank you so much dad's for your overwhelming support I love you guys and I just want to take a moment to thank all the people here who shared their experiences as well of having lost a parent... Your story inspires me to continue forward with the torch

Also I'm seeing quite a few comments saying the post is not funny and that they came for a laugh... I'm truly sorry about that, I just really wanted to honor my dad in this sub since we spent so much time together here scrolling for jokes and I needed the push from you dads to get back on my feet

I'm never going to be the same that's for sure knowing a peice of me has been lost forever... The void will never be filled in my heart But your support is just what I needed, once again thank you dads I love you

Edit 2: thank you so much dads for your overwhelming support I know I haven't been able to respond to all the dms and messages here but I've been reading them all and it's just made me smile in the worst Thank you dads you guys are the best

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/farzad6969
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2022
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A giraffe walks into a bar

And says. β€œHigh balls on me!”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Barrettbuilt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2022
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend said she wanted to buy some books before we had even put our new bookcase together.

I said β€œlet’s not get ahead of our shelves”.

πŸ‘︎ 461
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourOverLordisME
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2022
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I had only been at the firing range for 5 minutes.

A new guy comes in I had never seen there before. He bring his bag over and starts setting up. He comes over to introduce himself, and says his name is Rick O'Shea. I decide maybe I'll come back some other time.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2022
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I started renting an apartment from a botanist.

Needless to say the place is fully fernished.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sam_Anderson_4848
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2022
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Rye am the law.
πŸ‘︎ 436
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doodlesndrips
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2022
🚨︎ report
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

πŸ‘︎ 305
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πŸ‘€︎ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2022
🚨︎ report
why don't vegans antisocial?

The don't like to meat people.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Carterthefull6400
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2022
🚨︎ report
Nature just loves when Spring comes around...

I mean just look at the trees, they're re-leaf-ed.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrayWolf85
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My sister fainted on the baggage carousel at the airport!

Not to worry though, she came around after a few minutes.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sangallium
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2022
🚨︎ report
A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. β€œI’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. β€œSorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. β€œYou’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. β€œWe don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. β€œWhy not?” one yogurt asks. β€œWe’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, β€œWhat are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, β€œIt’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, β€œWhat’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, β€œArrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, β€œI don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbersβ€”some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bugasum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
🚨︎ report
What makes it hard for a t-rex to play the piano?

Being extinct, for one.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2022
🚨︎ report
A weasel waddles into a bar. The bartender asks, β€œwhat’ll you have?”

β€œPop,” goes the weasel.

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coffee-and-chess
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2022
🚨︎ report
WHAT DID THE FLOWER SAY TO LITTLE FLOWER?

Hey Bud

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DODamongus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2022
🚨︎ report
Lance isn’t a popular male name these days.

But in medieval times, men were named Lance a lot.

πŸ‘︎ 545
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ho2Me9
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2022
🚨︎ report
I keep having a recurring dream where I’m riding on a horse.

It’s been 6 nights on the trot!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bum-Sniffer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2022
🚨︎ report
Why bother doing nice things for tennis players?

They won't even take a minute to appreciate their advantages.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greedydita
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2022
🚨︎ report
Musical GPS

I'm so tired of musical GPS systems

Fleetwood mac keep telling me to go my own way, Bonnie tyler keeps telling me to turn around, and diana ross keeps telling me to stop in the name of love.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Formal-Ad8037
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2022
🚨︎ report
Did you hear that a letter in the alphabet is being removed?

Yeah, neither did I.

πŸ‘︎ 137
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πŸ“…︎ May 14 2022
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Did you know that Hannibal Lecter was a Gladiator?

He truly was Glad-He-Ate-Her!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LiquidGanja
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2022
🚨︎ report
Some top Tom Swifties
  • "Can't talk, busy camping," replied Tom, intent.
  • "The French don't deserve our thanks," said Tom mercilessly.
  • "Haven't you heard me singing in church?" Tom inquired.
  • "I'll win this tennis game if I get one more point, " Tom deduced.
  • "I didn't eat my T-bone tonight," said Tom mistakenly.
  • "So you're asking about my mink coat," Tom inferred.
  • "I'm wearing a watch around my wrist," said Tom with abandon.
  • "I'm the most important salmon vendor," said Tom selfishly.
  • "I was correct the first three times, and I am correct now," said Tom forthrightly.
  • "Castration is reversible," Tom remembered.
  • "I brought the dessert," said Tom piously.
  • "I command my own private army," said Tom maliciously.
  • "I'll order the same meat as last time," Tom revealed.
  • "I've never swum in Egypt's longest river," said Tom in denial.
  • "Et tu?" asked Tom brutally.
  • "That's women for you," said Tom dismissively.
  • "I'll have a bowl of Chinese soup," said Tom wantonly.
  • "I eat everything," said Tom in jest.
  • "I gave you your freedom, and I can take it away," said Tom deliberately.
  • "Maybe if I rub this lamp something good will happen," said Tom ingeniously.
  • "I'm never taking an Uber again," Tom derided.
  • "That dog is a mongrel," Tom muttered.
  • "It's too bad Babe isn't on our team," said Tom ruthlessly.
  • "Maybe I should stop using worms to catch fish... or maybe not," Tom debated.
  • "Hemingway is my favorite author," said Tom earnestly.
  • "This drumming is too easy," said Tom without missing a beat.
  • "This is a frozen dessert,” I screamed.
  • "Now I have TWO duck feathers", Tom doubled down.
  • "She would never answer her phone the first time, you always had to hang up once," Tom recalled.
  • "Two plus five is seven,” Tom added.
  • "I only have Diamonds, Clubs and Spades," said Tom heartlessly.
  • "It's okay, the PlayStation still works," Tom consoled.
  • "Capital punishment is mostly used on the lower classes," said Tom with poor execution.
  • "Where are all of my old board games?" asked Tom cluelessly.
  • "I might be acquitted," said Tom without conviction.
  • "I've never dyed my hair red, but I'll try it," said Tom gingerly.
  • "Ugh! I need to shave again," Tom bristled.
  • "Whale hunting makes me so sad," Tom blubbered.
  • "I'll quit smoking marijuana right now!" said Tom bluntly.
  • "I like hot dogs more than hamburgers," said Tom frankly.
  • "I signed it twice," Tom remarked.
  • "I received a letter to take my car in for repair," Tom recalled.
  • "I hate pale ale," sai
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2022
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My friend dropped this one casually

We were all standing around talking about our kids and he says

"My daughter loves avocado on her toast... It's her jam "

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2022
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A businessman is sitting in an airport lounge, waiting for his flight.

He's relaxing in a comfy chair, reading the newspaper, until he hears a quiet voice call out to him:

"Nice suit."

The man looks up and around for the source of the comment, but to no avail. There's no one else in the lounge except for an attendant, busily working away on the other side of the room.

Figuring he must've been hearing things, the man resumes reading the newspaper, until a few minutes later when the same voice says to him:

"That's a lovely watch."

Again, the bewildered man searches for the source of the voice, but there is absolutely no one who could have possibly said it to him. Exasperated, he gives up and goes back to reading his paper. But once more, the voice speaks to him:

"Great haircut."

The man whips his head up, gets to his feet and looks around but there is nobody there. Desperate, he calls for the attendant to come over. He asks:

"Excuse me, but could you hear that voice talking before? I can't see anyone else but me and you here."

"No, I'm afraid I haven't heard anything of the sort." replies the attendant, shaking his head.

"It keeps on saying how much it likes my clothes, my watch - even my haircut!" states the man, growing frustrated.

A beam of realisation dawns across the attendant's face. Gesturing towards a bowl of provided nuts resting on the table, the attendant chimes:

"Oh! That must be the peanuts! They're complimentary."

πŸ‘︎ 110
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AranXD
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2022
🚨︎ report
what goes 99 clunk, 99 clunk 99 clunk?

A centipede with a wooden leg.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Floaty_Goat
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2022
🚨︎ report
Bit of a story to this one but we'll worth the read...

Right so there's this farmer yeah and he's obsessed with tractors. His whole live revolves around them. He eats, sleeps and dreams tractors, but one day his wife is killed in a tragic tractor accident. The farmer decides he's had enough and completely strips tractors from his life, moves off the farm and tries to move on without his wife and love of tractors

Years later he's going on a blind date with a woman he met online. The dates going well when all of a sudden the restaurant bursts into flames! Everyone's panicking trying to put the fire out when the farmer stands up and takes a huge breath in, sucking in all the fire and smoke. He runs outside and releases all of the smoke into the air and saves the restaurant. Everyone's amazed at what the farmer has just done as they thank him and go back to their meals. His date sits back down on complete shock and says 'that was amazing how did you do that?!'

The farmer looks her in the eyes tearing up and says 'I'm an ex tractor fan'.

Edit: Title spelling

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Big_rippp
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2022
🚨︎ report
As promised, I put dad jokes in my vows today

I posted maybe a month ago and wanted to give you all an update on how the wedding went!

My absolutely stunning bride walked down the isle to "The Throne Room" song from A New Hope where Princess Leia gives the medals to Han and Luke.

My vows were:

"You are the love of my life. Ever since you walked into my life about 2.5 years ago, you have made literally every part of my life better and more beautiful, you have filled my life with a lot of laughter and love. You have this amazing indefinable quality to you that makes you so amazing and the perfect woman for me. I love you with all of my heart.

Even when we are apart for only a few hours, we tell each other how much we miss each other. Well today, I misses you.

I vow that I will always be there for you, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, but let’s make it richer, we are the Richardsons

I vow that I will do my best to keep you laughing, smiling and happy for the rest of our lives.

I vow that I will never give you up, I will never let you down, I will never run around and desert you, never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.

I vow I will love you with all of the love, for all of my days."

It was a beautiful evening, with lots of laughs, plenty of serious heartfelt moments and lots of happiness! My wife and I could not be happier and it was perfect! I hope you all had a good day, I sure did!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GamerExecChef
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2021
🚨︎ report
(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...

The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.

Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.

The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:

"What's sarong with that?"

I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).

His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.

--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)

--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zipflop
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Pig, Horse, and Cow meet in college.

Pig plays the drums, Horse sings, and Cow plays the guitar. They’re all exceptionally talented, and form a band, supplementing other spots from around the city. They play local dives, some free shows in the park, and they begin to get some traction. Pig suggests they record an album, and they send demos all over. One label is willing to give them a shot, and they open for a B List name on their tour. During the tour, they amass millions of fans, and by the time they record their first major studio album, they have a following so big that 3 of their songs top the charts. They soon find themselves headlining their own tour, as well as every major music festival.

The three friends are over the moon with their success. Never in their wildest dreams did they believe they’d find themselves rubbing shoulders with music greats. It doesn’t come without its downsides, though. Pig has turned to coke and pills to help him get through the long nights. Horse loves the party side of his new life, and his band mates often hide bottles from him when they’re not dragging him, drunk, to his bed. Cow is sad. Watching his friends fall apart, he misses being home and when things were more simple. Keeping his friends in line and covering for them is taking a toll on his own health.

After a year and a half on the road, the band is in the studio attempting to record their second album. Horse is fast asleep, drooling on the mixing board, hungover from the night before. Pig hasn’t even shown up. Cow has a breakdown, and shakes Horse awake. β€œI’m done. I can’t do this anymore.” Horse waves him off, and falls back asleep. Cow packs up his guitar and buys a one-way ticket home.

A few days later, Pig is all over the news. He’s in jail for possession. Cow watches the news and shakes his head. He knew it was a sinking ship. Horse hears the news from their manager, who is also calling to tell him that he quit. He wakes up to the phone call, and texts Cow, pleading to have a conversation. Radio silence. Horse stumbles out of bed and heads for his favorite pub. He can’t believe that he’s down two friends, that the band has split up, and his life is in shambles. He sits at the bar. β€œI’ll have my usual,” he says. The bartender leans over to hand Horse a whiskey. β€œHey buddy, why the long face?”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itMetheBigT
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2022
🚨︎ report
Trimming garden hedges...

...is shearious business.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2022
🚨︎ report
What do you call a potato that isn’t very nice?

A dictator!

(I desperately want to teach this like to my 3 yo who loves telling jokes, but she would run around yelling it at strangers. Might do it anyway.)

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Geknight
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2022
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Dad, why are you wearing two shirts?

So, last week I volunteered to be a chaperone for my youngest's overnight trip to science camp. A lovely 4 days and 3 nights in early spring in southern MI.

It was raining last week, rather heavily. As such, I layered up when running the kids around to their various places to be. I had an undershirt on, a long-sleeved shirt, and my jacket.

When it was time to get ready for bed, my youngest noticed that I had an undershirt on underneath my long-sleeved shirt and asked me why I had two shirts. I told him it was so I would be layered up and dry underneath the layers so I would stay warm.

And closing with, "and if I hadn't worn the undershirt, I might have become.... Pop Sicle."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GolfballDM
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2022
🚨︎ report
β€œI love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. β€œAll you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. β€œWhat did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

β€œYou herd me!"

πŸ‘︎ 785
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Who has one thumb and just got a table saw for Father’s Day?

This guy!!!

πŸ‘︎ 555
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πŸ‘€︎ u/strictly900
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2022
🚨︎ report
Why do squirrels make good psychiatrist?

They love being around nuts.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WoodChip50
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2022
🚨︎ report
Last bus

You took the last bus home.

Don’t know how you got it through the door.

You are always doing amazing stuff.

Like that time you caught a train.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SobeitSoviet69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2022
🚨︎ report
An 8 years old went to the office with her dad

An 8 years old went to the office with her dad for "take your child to work" day.

As they were walking around the office, the young girl starts sobbing and crying.

All staff gather around to cheer her and her father asked "love, what's wrong?"

The girl turns to her father sobbing more and says"daddy where are all the clowns you said you were working with?"

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterMirkinen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2021
🚨︎ report

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