Love, Now Puns

Nothing you can do, it’s a turtle eclipse of the heart

This is known as “stalk-home syndrome”

It was just a fling

Where there’s a Will, there’s a Wei.

Just meet a blind couple and they're happily married for 30 years although they stopped seeing each other since their first date.

I’m not a tryptophan

I think it’s Stuck-home Syndrome

Love Notes

I guess I'm switching it up.

I need to take an Anker Management class.

I'm an extractor fan.

I'm not here to make you laugh. I'm here to make you groan.

I work in long term healthcare and every year, we fill out a sheet that details what is Important To and Important For for every person that we support just to help keep things in perspective.

During our meeting, my supervisor said, "okay, that's the Important To. Let's move on to Important For.

I raised my hand and said, "Wait! You skipped Important Three!"

https://preview.redd.it/3vi5qhppxyda1.png?width=526&format=png&auto=webp&v=enabled&s=27d6e0f4b3f24f32cbd66c04db42b701b147231e

“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”

“We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”

Thrown out of the aquarium

• I want to get cremated. That would be my last chance to get a smoking-hot body!

• At the boss’ funeral, a disgruntled employee kneeled next to the coffin and whispered, “Who’s thinking outside the box now, Gary?”

• I hate funerals because I'm not a mourning person.

• My music teacher died while we were writing a song together. I guess he's decomposing now.

• A will is simply a dead giveaway.

• Never challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you're ready to handle the reaper cushions.

• I want my loved ones to throw a party when I pass. After all, it is called a funeral.

• The sign at the cemetery states, "Do Not Pass."

Speak now or forever hold your piece.

Get a priest to pray over rain-clouds, turning the rain into holy water, then holy water drops down, kills all the vampires. I thought this was an original idea too, but then I realized someone else already came up with it. If you'll notice, vampires are always European. >!That's because someone already blessed the rains down in Africa.!<

Urethra Franklin.

In case there is a salad dressing.

No pressure…

So much for the Speaker of the House.

She was busted for conch-traband.

Dug up a fortune in them/their hills

Me: Son, will you remember me when I'm gone? Son: Of course, dad.

Me: Son, will you remember me in 5 years? Son: yes

Me: Son, will you remember me in 5 months? Son: yes

Me: Son, will you remember me 5 minutes from now? Son: Well sure

Me: That really makes my day son! Ya wanna hear a dad joke? Son: Of course dad I love your dad jokes!

Me: Knock Knock Son: Who's there?

I just stared at him shaking my head..

The kids tells his father "Dad, I'm bored" The father then pulls out a box and says "are you sure you're not card board?"

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

“Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

“Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

“Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

“Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."

The recipe called for fresh thyme, but I only had old, dried out thyme, but I was lazy and didn't want to go to the store, so I made them anyway. They came out really good! Amazing!

I still sit around and think about those old thyme Moroccan rolls

I had an idea for a Halloween costume but that fell through. Now, I am going as a squid. I need all of your best (worst) squid related jokes!

(Edit) Thank you all! They were loved (hated) just as I had hoped!

“To the dump, to the dump, to the dump, dump, dump!”

My dad loved corny jokes and every now and then one of them will bubble up in my memory, even though he passed years ago. Keep telling your kids dad jokes! You never know what they are going to remember about you, and it might as well be a dumb joke.

The first one says "I'll have an A positive."

Second one says "That sounds good, I'll have one too!"

Barkeep asks the third one "How about you?"

Third vampire says "Naw, that A positive is too heavy. I'll have an O negative."

The barkeep says "Coming right up - two bloods and a blood light!"

Oh Sheet.

After awhile the relationship really fell apart

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

And now that dad’s out of the closet he’s loving gays.

No idea why the school hired him.

It was a real slap in the faith.

They are great multipliers!

Hey guys, i'm in need of your absolute best puns! I've finally installed my two a/c units today and i love naming my devices punny names in Google home.

One of the units is now called David Blowie, but i'm in need of a second name for unit #2.

So far we've came up with:

Air Air Cool J

Katy Airy

Airosmith

DJ Airfrojack

Airetha Franklin

Kurt Blowbrain

Airiana Grande

CoolCool Chanel

And the usual: AC / DC

But i just know there are some better ones out there we've not thought of yet, so i decided to ask for your amazing brains to help. Please show me your best! (or worst)

Nothing you can do, it’s a turtle eclipse of the heart

It was just a fling.

How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.

A church