Love, Mary Puns

They're always up to something

He had multiple tractors on his farm, tractor posters on his walls, watched documentaries about tractors, in short, his house was full of tractor paraphernalia.

One day, the Bob's wife, Mary was taking a stroll out in the fields, just where he happened to be riding one of his tractors. Bob was gunning it up and down the fields, having a blast. But then he started driving in the direction of his wife. Despite her screams, Bob couldnt hear Mary over the loud engine of his tractor, and ended up unfortunately running her over.

After this, Bob felt guilty about killing his wife. He sold all of his tractors, he took down all of his posters, and threw away all of his tractor merch. He sold his farm and bought a new house in the suburbs to further distance himself from tractors.

After a few years, Bob felt it was time to start dating again, so he started going to his local coffee shop, hoping to find a new girlfriend. Bob was pleased to find the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, so he introduced himself, and they really hit it off. They started going on dates and got to know each other better.

After a few years of dating, Bob felt it was time to propose, so he prepared a beautiful date in the fanciest restaurant in the city. They had a lovely dinner and before they ordered dessert, he decided it was time to propose. But as Bob got the ring box out of his pocket he dropped it, and bending over to pick it up, he knocked his head on the table, knocking a candle over. The candle set fire to the tablecloth and quickly spread to the carpet.

A waiter quickly came up and poured a big jug of water onto the fire in order to put it out, but this caused a plume of smoke to come up, filling the restaurant. Everyone was choking and coughing, so Bob takes a deep breath, sucking in all of the smoke, and runs out of the restaurant. He pokes his head out the door and breathes out, all of the smoke flying away outside. His date is amazed and asked "Wow! how did you do that?"

Bob laughed and said "It's quite simple, I'm an Ex-Tractor Fan"

The first one says "I'll have an A positive."

Second one says "That sounds good, I'll have one too!"

Barkeep asks the third one "How about you?"

Third vampire says "Naw, that A positive is too heavy. I'll have an O negative."

The barkeep says "Coming right up - two bloods and a blood light!"

“I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith..”

“Really, what’s the name of his other leg?”

She tells both lines and laughs loudly saying “that’s funny Daddy”...

Love it.

Because she helps them give it away, give it away, give it away now.

Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.

Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program.

One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor.

As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0.

The next day, the headline on the local sports section read:

No Offense, Nun Taken

To which she was so kind,

And everywhere that Mary went,

You could see her bear behind.

Dad and Gramps love this one.

Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.

Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program.

One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor.

As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0.

The next day, the headline on the local sports section read:

No Offense, Nun Taken