Live from... Puns

Both parents agreed the child should be sheen and not heard.

One drive

Never understood the porpoise.

Ice-olation.

She's only eleven and says she came up with that by herself. I'm so proud 😭😭😭

You have to be dead first hehe

She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….

EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️

You dont even need to drive!

A cowabungalow

Me: Sure, because when they send email, they don’t care if you’re up.

Because old hobbits die hard!

Hopefully she'll Diazepam.

No shit, Sherlock.

These are the principals I live by

It’s an inner mitten diet

I grew up just a stones throw away from where they lived.

Crazy.

But the people in Abu Dhabi do…

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

Their reason? Too many Loggins attempts

Q: What do you call a couple of guys that make their living herding cattle?
A: Cow-owners.

Q: What do you call it when a bunch of farmhands get together to collect wool from the sheep?
A: A shear-holders meeting.

Q: After the ranchers have done their job, what do you call the butchers who process the product to market?
A: Steak-holders.

Because in Europe they'd call him Kilometers Morales.

Count Dracula, from the basement:"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6..."

We have a DVD copy of the 1977 Disney classic "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh." One day I put the DVD case on the floor of the kids bathroom and then walked into the living room and loudly said, "That's disgusting! There's poo on the floor in the bathroom!"

Lots of eye rolls from the teenager. The five year old thought it was hillarious

Right so there's this farmer yeah and he's obsessed with tractors. His whole live revolves around them. He eats, sleeps and dreams tractors, but one day his wife is killed in a tragic tractor accident. The farmer decides he's had enough and completely strips tractors from his life, moves off the farm and tries to move on without his wife and love of tractors

Years later he's going on a blind date with a woman he met online. The dates going well when all of a sudden the restaurant bursts into flames! Everyone's panicking trying to put the fire out when the farmer stands up and takes a huge breath in, sucking in all the fire and smoke. He runs outside and releases all of the smoke into the air and saves the restaurant. Everyone's amazed at what the farmer has just done as they thank him and go back to their meals. His date sits back down on complete shock and says 'that was amazing how did you do that?!'

The farmer looks her in the eyes tearing up and says 'I'm an ex tractor fan'.

Edit: Title spelling

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

The living room.

(From a 9-year-old!)

Once upon a time an astronaut landed on an alien world. The world was full of trees and plants and wildlife. But one species in particular caught his eye. Short and round with huge feet, they were kind. They sang songs all day, drank, and made merry. After observing them from afar for many days, the astronaut decided to approach them and make first contact. Upon speaking to them, he found that they called themselves the Jibbles.

The astronaut lived amongst the Jibbles for many years and found that they used a unique series of toe rings as currency.  Unable to pronounce their word for the currency, he called them ToeKins, chuckling to himself at his pun.

As the years went by, the astronaut learned of a war-like race of Jibbles. They came to his village and raided their supplies. They beat up several of the sweet Jibbles, and they threatened the astronaut. Months of this had the sweet Jibbles exhausted, and the astronaut hatched a plan.

Taking all the gear from his spaceship, he snuck away to the mean Jibbles camp in the night. He met with their leader and offered him his wealth in order to buy a peace between their villages. Seeing the array of technology the astronaut had brought, the chief agreed to his terms. The astronaut asked for a sign of good faith he could show his village when he returned. So the chief removed one of his toe rings, took a knife, and sketched a crude picture of a jibble and the astronaut holding hands. This he gave to the astronaut.

Returning home, the astronaut declared that there was now peace amongst their villages! The Jibbles drank and made merry and everyone wanted to see the gift from the other tribe. Late that night, when everyone had gone to sleep drunk, the mean Jibbles snuck into camp and killed them all. Turning over the astronauts corpse, they found they couldn't remove the ring from his hand.

And that's why you shouldn't trust non-fun-Jibble-toekins.

Son: Mom, if we had zombies coming to attack the house where would we go? Wife: Contemplating as these are usually serious questions from him Son: interrupts The LIVING room mom! You know, because you want to LIVE! Me: tears coming to my eyes gives him a high-five you're gonna make an awesome dad someday buddy!

There once lived an olive. Now this was no average olive. He was a gangster olive. Now this olive had a friend and he got invited to the bar for a good night. They arrive at the bar, and the gangster olive gets into an argument with someone from another gang. One thing leads to another, & the gangster olive gets stabbed. The regular olive, afraid of his friend bleeding out, frantically asks the gangster if he is alright the gangster olive responds, " ah-live..”

I posted maybe a month ago and wanted to give you all an update on how the wedding went!

My absolutely stunning bride walked down the isle to "The Throne Room" song from A New Hope where Princess Leia gives the medals to Han and Luke.

My vows were:

"You are the love of my life. Ever since you walked into my life about 2.5 years ago, you have made literally every part of my life better and more beautiful, you have filled my life with a lot of laughter and love. You have this amazing indefinable quality to you that makes you so amazing and the perfect woman for me. I love you with all of my heart.

Even when we are apart for only a few hours, we tell each other how much we miss each other. Well today, I misses you.

I vow that I will always be there for you, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, but let’s make it richer, we are the Richardsons

I vow that I will do my best to keep you laughing, smiling and happy for the rest of our lives.

I vow that I will never give you up, I will never let you down, I will never run around and desert you, never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.

I vow I will love you with all of the love, for all of my days."

It was a beautiful evening, with lots of laughs, plenty of serious heartfelt moments and lots of happiness! My wife and I could not be happier and it was perfect! I hope you all had a good day, I sure did!

He requested to be cremated, with each of his closest friends and families receiving a portion of his ashes in a coffee cup from the coffee shop he owned. everyone who lived near him was able to receive their share of his ashes, but I live quite far and they had to be mailed to me.

It's been months and I still haven't gotten my Cup of Joe

He's a lyin' tamer.

You matter.

A neigh-bor

In this purple country everything is purple; the skies are purple, the sun is purple, the citizens are purple. Everything is purple. And one day, some purple citizens decided that they didn't want to live under the purple king so they tried to leave the purple country. But the purple king stopped them and imprisoned them in his purple jail, and there they stayed for many purple days

However, one day, a purple messenger came to tell the purple king on his purple throne in his purple palace that the purple prisoners had escaped from the purple prison. And so, the purple king got on his purple horse along with his 100 purple knights to travel across the purple country to bring back the purple prisoners.

Meanwhile, the purple prisoners had begun running across the purple country to try and escape the purple tyranny of the purple king. They traveled across the vast purple plain, and everything was fine, but they had now reached the purple dessert. With no other choice they started the arduous journey under the blistering purple sun. Many purple prisoners died from purple heat stroke or got bitten by poisonous purple snakes, but after all is said and done, the majority of them made it across alive. But by this point, the purple king with his purple knights had reached the start of the purple dessert. They too crossed with many dying from purple heat stroke or purple snakes.

However, the purple prisoners were now crossing the purple mountains. Many died from the purple cold or got killed by purple rocks falling down the purple mountain side. But they made it across with still 50% of the starting escapees. But the purple king was crossing now, his purple knights dying from purple cold and purple rocks. They were close to the purple prisoners now. They reached the far side, but the purple prisoners had entered the purple jungle. They were so hungry many took to eating purple berries, only to find out that they contained purple poison and they died instantly. The purple creatures began attacking the purple prisoners and many died from that. And to make matters worse, the purple knights, who also had been attacked by the purple creatures and ate the purple poisonous berries, had caught up with them.

Back they went through the purple jungle, being attacked by the purple animals. Back they went over the purple mountains suffering from purple cold and being hit by purple rocks. Back they went over the purple dessert with the poisonous purple snakes and the scorchin

Span-ish

ABSENTEE A missing golfing accessory

AUTOBIOGRAPHY The car’s logbook

AVOIDABLE What a bullfighter tries to do

BERNADETTE The act of torching a mortgage

BOOKCASE Litigation about a novel

BURGLARISE What a crook sees with

CABBAGE The fare you pay to a taxi driver

CAUTERISE Made eye contact with her

COUNTERFEITERS Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

DILATE To live long

ECLIPSE What an English barber does for a living

EYEDROPPER A clumsy ophthalmologist

GRANARY Home for old women

HEROES A guy manning the oars in a boat

HUMBUG Singing insect

LEFT BANK What the robber did when his bag was full of money

MISTY How golfers create divots

NONDESCRIPT Italian actors ad-libbing

NITRATES Cheaper then day rates

PARADOX Two physicians

PARASITES What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

PHARMACIST A helper on the farm

POLARISE What penguins see with

POST OPERATIVE A letter deliverer

PRIMATE Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

RECOVERY ROOM A place to do upholstery

RELIEF What trees do in the spring

RUBBERNECK What you do to relax your wife

TERMINAL ILLNESS Getting sick at the airport

SELFISH What the owner of a seafood store does

URINE Or you’re out

"Just bought some meat from a supermarket in the city where Batman lives."

She said, "...Gotham?"

I said, "No, only beef and chicken."

Unfortunately, the car pops into existence directly in the path of the Doc Brown living in 1955, running him over. Now you have two Doc Browns in 1955. One from the future and very much alive and a younger version from 1955 that is now dead. How can the Doc from the future even be there as he has just wiped out his own existence? These two Docs are a connundrum to space and time.

In the end though it's actually an example of a famous time travel pair of docs.

She said that they make great "Neigh" bors!

Their last name.

“Why so cheap?” she asked the pet store owner. The owner said, “Well, this bird used to live in a brothel, and occasionally it says some pretty vulgar stuff.” The woman thought about this, but decided that for $50, she just had to have the bird.

She took the bird home, hung the cage up in the living room, and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “Meh… That's really not so bad” and laughed it off.

When her two teenage daughters got home from school, the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls!!!” The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then laughed about the situation – considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

A few moments later, the woman’s husband got home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “New house, new madam, new girls, welcome back Keith!!!”

It means you knead them to make dough.

I work in a library.