My son Brandon came out to me as trans and said she wanted to change her name. At first it felt like a rift was opening in our relationship
But she was able to Bridget so easily
I like to draw lame jokes/puns an the old chalkboard in my kitchen. Thought you folks might appreciate it.
"Dad, what did Mount Rushmore look like before it was carved?"
"Well, sweetie, its natural beauty was absolutely unpresidented."
What car sounds like it is for pets, but it is not ?
I was in Scotland recently and tried haggis. I didn't like it because...
Taken from r/memes but I feel like it is a pun tho
Well, I ordered a limo for me and my friends this weekend. The limo finally arrived and the driver began to walk away from it. I ask “woah, hey, aren’t you supposed to be driving me?” And he was like “sorry, driver wasn’t covered in the price”
Welp, i spent 400 dollars on a limo and I have absolutely nothing to chauffeur it.
My Grandfather,a WWII veteran, ended up in the ED on the weekend. After he was examined the doctor said “ Sir, it looks like your problems have been caused by drinking too much”
My Grandfather was outraged “drinking too much! I’ll have you know that I haven’t had a drink since 1945.”
Keeping his bedside manner the doctor replied “1945,that’s an awfully long time.”
“I’ll say it’s a bloody long time” sez my Grandfather “it’s 2130 hours now.”
Did you hear about that joke that got 1.7k upvotes, but a reddit mod didn't like it?
I reached into the washing machine to find my favorite shirt destroyed. It looks like it was murdered.
Dang that bear that killed Timothy Treadwell seemed like his friend before it got mad and ate him.
Must have been a bipolar bear.
"Dad, what is it like to have the greatest son in the world?"
Some friends decided to steal a coffin and ride down the side of a snowy hill like it was a bob-sleight
They lose control and the coffin speeds down a hill towards a ravine.
One of the friends has an idea and pulls out a bottle of Benadryl and drinks it.
The coffin stops.
what do you call it when a ghost feels like its been there before?
I asked a man who escaped from North Korea what it was like living there
He said, "I can't complain."
Today I made new easy-to-rip wrapping paper, but my boss said he didn't like it.
He told me it was tearable, so I don't know what the problem is.
It was reported some of the bands performing tonight like to hide drugs in there drums.
But don't worry, we've taken the proper percussions
Did you know that in Japanese it is preferred to count in elevens? I mean, I don't count like that, but...
It’s hard to explain the difference between fishing and standing on the shore for hours like an idiot
I have been using Chrome for years, but recently tried Microsofts new browser. I don't like it.
My kid constantly makes huge drinks, takes a few sips, decides he doesn’t like it, and then dumps the rest out!
I’ve had it with his pour attitude.
But you didn't like it
I was going to tell a time traveller joke.
"What's that new Netflix show you keep talking about?" I asked my girlfriend. "I'd like to watch it with you."
She said, "Wednesday?"
I said, "I can't...I'm working, unfortunately."
I had trouble sleeping last night because my partner was snoring too loud. I put in headphones and listened to some brown noise to drown it out. It sounded like this:
In light of Apple crippling AirDrop for Chinese citizens, I asked a friend what it was like living in China now.
"I can't complain", he replied.
True story. I feel like it's one of those "had to been there" jokes, but my daughter thought it was hilarious and asked me to post it here.
We were doing our grocery shopping and the aisles were organized strange. One aisle had toilet paper products on one side and candy on the other side.
I said "It's kinda weird that they have toilet paper and candy on the same aisle. Makes more sense to put toilet paper and beans on the same aisle."
I used to be a grave robber, but I don’t like to talk about it though..
it’s just digging up the passed.
I really like the new kia SUV. the best part is it doesn't need a bike rack,
Because everyone can telluride
Wearing leather is so comfortable, it feels just like a second skin
I came up with this pun years ago and decided it needed to leave my notes app and be released to the public!
I baked some bread shaped like the United States and gave it to charity.
They were thankful for my dough nation.
What’s it like to chew 5 gum?
Officer: “I’m sorry to say sir but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus.”
Man: “Yeah but she’s got a great personality.”
A platypus lays eggs like a reptile, is venomous like a reptile, but it isn’t a reptile….
It has A Reptile Dysfunction
Warning: if you drop your Teddy Ruxpin toy like I just did, it will malfunction and keep saying the same few phrases over and over.
I've been keeping an eye on the weather forecast for Halloween. It looks like it's going to rain.
That really dampens my spirits.
Now that I think about it, I like dwarfs a lot
They're just really down to earth.
I found a vinyl record called "Sounds of the Wasps." When I played it, I said to myself, "This doesn't sound like wasps."
I was right. I was playing the B-side.
It looks like my wife is calculating my speed
She said she need time and distance from me
My son asked me what's it like to be a mother.
So I woke him at 2am to say that my sock fell off.
Marriage is like a deck of cards. It starts with two hearts and a diamond
And ends with a club and a spade
Every neighborhood that I have lived in has always had a terrible rock band in it. It seems like they follow me...
They are always 3 Doors Down from my house.
I like to eat ice cream outside when it’s raining a little bit
You know, because of the sprinkles
Have you seen what Mount Rushmore looked like before it was carved?
The natural beauty was unpresidented.
Officer: I’m sorry to say this sir but it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck
Man: Yeah, but she’s got a great personality.
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