LL Flooring Puns

That's a different story.

They climb up a couple of bar stools and have a seat. One of them says to the bartender, "Hey, give me and my partner here a beer would you?"

The bartender replied, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So they climb down off of the bar stools and slither across the floor and out of the bar.

One says to the other,"Lets go down the street. I know of a better bar than this one anyways."

"Now wait a minute, said the other string.This is clearly discrimination!"

"Well what do you intend to do about it?"said the other string?

"I'm going to go back in with a disguise and I'll get that damn beer." So he ties himself in a knot, frazzles up one end of himself,goes back into the bar,slithers across the floor and climbs up the bar stool. He says to the bartender, "I'd like a beer please."

The bartender says," Wait a minute . Aren't you the same piece of string that was in here a while ago?"

So the string said, "No.I'm a frayed knot.

He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say....."nice pants!"

He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar.

Then he hears....."your hair looks great!"

Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears....."I like your tie!"

At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?"

The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess."

The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts".

"The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused.

"Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender.....

"they're complimentary"

:)

Okey so theres a mom cow and her kid at a gym and the shes working on her calf and they’re about to leave but then the baby cow starts rolling on the ground throwing a tantrum [mom cow/mc] Stop rolling on the floor and move! [baby cow/bc]* keeps rolling around crying* [mc] theres a good chance if you dont stop You’ll be grounded beef [bc] realizing the steaks are high he stops rolling around and gets up a manager has seen all of this [manager] Hay mam, just wanted to say you milked the situation on the spot. [mc] she states that this would be a tail to tell

For centuries, we've used our shop as a means of teaching the youngest of our lineage the importance of teamwork, the value of a dollar and, most importantly, the self-satisfaction felt in a job well-done.

In the past few weeks, it's been repeatedly brought to my attention that our youngest child, Sheeran, has been demonstrating particularly helpful and productive tendencies so, today, I felt it was finally time to experience the honor of rewarding his efforts, offering him the opportunity to join our workforce; to which he was nothing short of ecstatic!

I'll be honest, I initially withheld concerns that his excitement would subside once I explained the sorts of menial work I'd have to start him off on but, to my relief, he took no issue in hearing that his duties would mostly revolve around wiping our patrons' hair off of the chairs, and sweeping it up from the floor.

Sharing a moment of beautiful silence, exchanging our most heartfelt of smiles and basking in this pivotal moment of his development, I placed my hand on his shoulder and said, "Son...

You are really going to have your work cut out for you."

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

• Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
• It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
• What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
• Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
• Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
• Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
• If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
• Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
• Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
• American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
• The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
• Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
• Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
• Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
• Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
• Rittal me this, Batman!
• Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
• Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
• If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
• When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
• You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
• Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
• Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
• Don't think Seton is

He tells the bartender that he will bet $500 bucks that he can pee into 5 shot glasses that are 3 feet apart without getting a drop of pee on the floor. The bartender takes the bet quite confidently, thinking that there is no way the man can possibly do that.

They set up everything, the man has a couple of drinks and gets ready to go. As he starts peeing, he misses every single shot glass, barely getting any pee in any of the glasses. The bartender is laughing hilariously at the man's failure. "This is the easiest $500 bucks I'll ever make" he thinks to himself.

After the man finishes, the bartender, still laughing, ask the man, "why on Earth would you make that bet?!?" The man looks across the street and says "I bet the bartender across the street $2000 that I could make you laugh by pissing all over your floor."

Edit: wording

I was talking to a friend on Skype; at one point, I realised that I had to go to the bathroom.

"I'll be right back, I have to pee," I said.

"All right sure," she replied.

When I left, I put my laptop on the floor, the screen facing upwards, so as to avoid the ventilator being drowned by my duvet.

When I returned, I realised the webcam was pointing toward the ceiling, and I asked her:

"Did you find my ceiling interesting?"'

"Nah, I was looking at something else,"

And then, I saw my chance. It was glorious. Like golden wings borne on scarlet sunlight had brought me to Enlightenment, and I instantly replied with what is perhaps my greatest feat of pun yet:

"You know, that really hurts my ceilings."

I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.

Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.

So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.

C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?

Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to $xxx.xx.

C: Do it

Fuck, he's one of these guys...

Me: Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have.

At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it.

C: Do I have to use my real name?

PAUSE Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. PLAY

Me: Um.. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later.

C: Oh ok.

I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question.

C: Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done?

I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking.

Me: Well I would hope so. Slight laughter

C: Oh ok great! She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest.

I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working.

Oh that's an easy fix

Me: Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed.

C: One. Try it now "Insert girls name"

Me: Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet.

I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts.

**

My apartment is currently having radiator problems and while discussing it via email, one of my buddies made the following typo: "...I'm more interested in when they will Putin [sic] a new floor lest we repeat the multi-week hole in the ceiling experience."

To which I reply: "Like roommate, I'm wondering when they'll fix the floor but my guess is that they're just Stalin while they wait for the radiator situation to be worked out."

After getting him in trouble we asked, "So you're not going to wet on your bedroom floor again, right?"

He looked down and said, "Nope. I'll just do it in someone else's bedroom." Then looked up and grinned. He'll be a good Dad someday.

I opened the cupboard and out falls a bag of "Freshly ground coffee"

It bursts open as it lands on the floor...

I smirked and stated.

"It's okay, it'll be fine, it is ground coffee after all"

Kid 1 & kid 2 talking and 1 says "when I get home I'll just slip on my dress"...so I says to her, I says "if you think you'll slip on it, why don't you just pick it up off the floor?"... Kids not amused... Later... 1's working on 2's eyebrows and they ask me to bring them her makeup kit...so I asks "what for, have y'all been fighting?"... Still not amused... I'll keep you updated

So, my wife and I decided to move this freestanding shelf thing to our dining area. However, we have wood floors, so pretty much anything that's put there (table, chairs) has to have these felt pads on the bottom so it doesn't scratch up the floor. Even if this won't get moved around much, if at all, I felt better about putting the pads on the bottom of this shelf as well, just in case.

My wife has been bugging me to do it for a while, but you know, laziness. Finally, earlier tonight, I cut the felt sheets to size, stuck them on the shelf, and put it where it belongs. When I was done, I called my wife over. "I'm in bed!" "It'll be quick, I promise!" groan "You don't even have to come downstairs, you can see it from the hallway outside the bedroom door!"

Finally she came out, with a "this had better be good" look on her face. I pointed to the shelf, and proudly declared that "I felt up this rack!"

Worth it.

So my Pops asks if I could help him get the Christmas "stuff" down from the loft with him. We have a loft above the garage where we store seasonal decorations.

He'll go up in the loft and I'll stand on the middle of the ladder, where he hands me the plastic containers, which I'll place on the floor.

As soon as he gets up there I see that the most accessible and logical box to take down first is the one with the wrapping paper. I reach for it and he shoos me away coming up with an excuse to leave it up there for the time being.

Right then and there I knew exactly what he was doing and I couldn't stop it.

We get the absurd amount of containers down until there's only the one left. He hands it too me and says, "Whelp.. that about wraps it up. Haha."

It's not even that good and I knew it was coming for the whole half-hour, but never the less I rolled my eyes and gave him his moment of glory. He deserves it.

So I work at an apartment complex, and one of our floor plans is called the "Butterflyweed".

Co-Worker: "I'll be right back, I'm gonna go do the Butterflyweed" Me: "Don't do it! I hear Butterflyweed is a gateway floorplan".
Co-Worker: groan...

Q What did the hat say to the hat rack? A You stay here, I'll go on a head

Q What did the rug say to the floor? A Don't move, I've got you covered

I was doing a puzzle that had more pieces that I could handle when I said to my friend, "I really want to finish this puzzle but I don't think I have it in me!" She quickly responded and said, "Well you should eat the pieces and then you'll have it in you!" I rolled my eyes as she fell on the floor laughing.

My boss told me I had to clean up the mechanical room in the building I work in but I couldn't sweep the floor because of asbestos. I replied with, "I'll clean it asbestos I can."

So a couple days ago as I was leaving work I get a phone call from a friend of mine who I shall call k during this story

Now K never calls people so I was surprised that he was calling me, and was even more surprised when the first words he said when I picked up where, “Acriloc you’re a bad influence on my brother.”

I was shocked at such an accusation, wounded even and asked why. K then proceeded to tell me how when he was at work he slipped on a recently mopped floor and fractured his arm. A coworker of his dropped him off at the ER where he decided to text his brother C, someone whom I’m friend with as well, while he waited.

C asked if K was ok, and how since K works in a kitchen what’s he going to do if he can’t use his right arm for a while. K then told C how he tends to practice using his left arm just in case anything like this would happen, and though he won’t be able to do everything he did in the kitchen he’ll still be able to work and help out.

C responded with, “I guess all that practice came in....handy.”
Causing K to burst out in laughter in the middle of the ER waiting room, filled with people who are in pain and not having a pleasant day. The amount of death stares he got from people as he was laughing while trying to point at his phone and explain he’s laughing because of a lame joke his brother sent him was quite the sight to behold apparently.

Apparently I am to blame for all this because C used to never make jokes like that until he met me since I try to find any excuse to make a dad joke.