I can't wait for January 1, 2021

Then, hindsight will be 2020.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kellzone
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Story: Lasting after effect of COVID-19

True story. Happen about 2 hrs ago.

Back trying. My wife and I both work in the medical field. She runs hospital employee health dept, and I’m the dental director for a public health agency.

My wife had Covid-19 in January. We were talking about the long term, later effects of Covid on people’s health.

Wife: I wonder what the residual effects of Covid-19 are. My left ear hasn’t been right since I had Covid.

Me: Well of course not.

Wife: Why? What have you heard?

Me: Well your left ear can’t feel right. It’s your left ear.

Wife: God, why did I marry you 33 years ago?

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Divinepyramid
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
🚨︎ report
How many seconds are there in a year.

12 second

Edit1: Since so many of you guys are confused, it's like January second, February second and so on.

Edit2: No 22nd doesn't count.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/itsanandhere
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I can’t wait for New Years Eve

So on January 1st I can say β€œI guess hindsight is 2020!”

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Student: Can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: It’s may.

Student: No, it’s January

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the perfect first date?

January 1st

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/emitremmus27
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!

A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.

"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

πŸ‘︎ 81
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xenevi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
🚨︎ report
What items would you include in an amputation themed gift basket?

I know this isn't strictly a Dad joke, but I feel it is in the spirit of the thing. My dad is getting is getting his leg amputated in January. Essentially he has no cartilage in his ankle, and it causes him severe pain all the time. He has an amazing sense of humor, so I wanted to get him a gift basket of foot-based things. So far I have: -fruit by the foot -Happy Feet -Footloose -an Ihop gift card -pack of tube socks (since now he gets 2 for 1) -Bologna (because his amputation is below knee) -a card saying congrats on the weight loss -all put inside of a stocking

What other foot based pun items would you include in the gift basket?

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pyroperformer93
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
🚨︎ report
How many seconds are in a year?

January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd.... etc

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
She: "What's your birthday?"

Me: "January first."

She: "What year?"

Me: "Every year."

πŸ‘︎ 119
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ihasanali
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Since they say hindsight is 2020

Does that mean tomorrow will be January 1, Hindsight?

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ForSucksFake
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Ideas for months of the year puns?

Hi, could someone help me out with puns for the months of the year? January was Jan-new-ary, February was Feb-boo-ary, etc.

Just April would be great and if possible, the rest of the year

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Why does the Pope hate fishing?

Because he has a holy boat.

Sorry, baby is due in January and figured it's time I start working on my dad jokes

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NewEnglandAlways
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
My uber driver's first job is a dad

Driver: "So Resetspls, if I ask you how many seconds are in a year, with out your phone or any calculator, could you tell me

"Honestly no."

Driver: "12"

"Uhhhh...."

Driver: "Can I do the math"

"Of course, please"

Driver: " January 2nd, February 2nd...."

πŸ‘︎ 439
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ResetsPls
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2017
🚨︎ report
Time Flies it really does

Dad; 'What day is it ?"

Kid ; "It is the first of January 2020"

Dad; "Shesh it felt like yesterday it like it was 2019"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/premieresanwvich
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Calendar Days That Are Puns!

Days That Are Puns

1/23 - January 23rd reads like 123
3/10 - Mar10 Day - Nintendo's Mario Day
3/11 - There's an awesome band called 311
3/14 - 3.14 is the first few digits of Pi AKA Pi Day
5/4 - May the 4th be with you - A pun on "May the force be with you." AKA Star Wars Day
7/11 - Free Slurpee Day at 7 Eleven stores
9/11 - No intention of being offensive with this one. 9/11 reads like the emergency phone number used in the United States
10/4 - Pun for 10-4, which is similar to saying "roger that"
10/23 - National Mole Day (Avogrado's number) 6.02 x 10^23

Please mention any I missed!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wintercool612
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2017
🚨︎ report
The story of Kenneth Lamar Noid

The following story is true.

Perhaps you have heard of The Noid. He was a character created by Domino's Pizza to act as a villain who would attempt to make your pizza taste crappy due to lack of freshness. Thankfully, according to Domino's, The Noid could easily be foiled by their 30 minute delivery guarantee.

On January 30, 1989, a man by the name of Kenneth Lamar Noid took the creation of the little guy as a personal attack on his character. Not one to take such a slight lying down, Mr. Noid took a Domino's location in Atlanta hostage, forcing them to make a special pizza and salad against their will. His demands included $100,000, getaway transportation, and a copy of the hit science fiction novel, "The Widow's Son".

Eventually, Mr. Noid surrendered to the police. After the incident, when reached for comment about Mr. Noid, Police Chief Reed Miller was quoted as saying, "He's paranoid."

Thank you for your time.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/salty904
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
🚨︎ report
The award for the best dadjokes 2018 goes to...

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

  1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

  2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

  3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

  1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

  2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

  3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

  1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

  2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

  3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Skormes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Grammar nerd dad joke.

Me: January is almost done. Then it will be February.

My girl: Yeah! Then I can finally be eight.

Me: Yes, but the correct form of the verb would be "eaten."

πŸ‘︎ 344
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bydawee
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2015
🚨︎ report
I have a date

January 25th, 2019

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/awesomeguy51303
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
🚨︎ report
My neighbors are ridiculous!

It's only January and they already have their Christmas decorations up.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lucky5150
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Today is 4/20

Isn't it just January 5th for people who can't reduce fractions?

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nick30075
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2017
🚨︎ report
Pun Day tomorrow!

Our country needs a day to honor the art of puns. My friends and I decided that the best way to do this is to have an annual Pun Day. This day always falls on the same Monday in January as MLK Day, and is barrels of fun. (Like monkeys)

So A) I would like to spread the reaches of Pun Day, maybe have others across the nation share it. and B) If you would like to follow my puns tomorrow, add me on snapchat @BillySakmann. Be sure to say you're from Reddit. Thanks and happy punning! I'm going to be spending a lot of thyme in the kitchen tomorrow.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/neonpanda96
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2015
🚨︎ report
/r/Jokes didn't like this one very much. I hope you guys will laugh with me.

My sister is a mathematician. When I asked her if she was celebrating 4/20, she said she already celebrated it on January fifth. Apparently it's simpler that way.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2015
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked a customer at work the other day.

A woman came into my restaurant to pick up an order under the name April. So I responded "An order for April? You're really early, is only January!" Groaning by my coworkers ensued.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/amaciey
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my Girlfriend

She thought she was being clever and didn't see this coming

GF:You shouldn't kiss on January 1st because its only the first date. Hehehehe

Me: Remember our first date?

GF: Yeah we talked about high school track.

Me: I know I felt like I was talking in circles.

groans from her and her roommates

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EliteJDL
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2015
🚨︎ report
My Dad emails my brothers and I almost daily..

Subject: Finally

"Starting to get a bit warmer in (Hometown.) All of January, it has been snow, wind, below zero temperatures, wind chills of minus 40. (His Wife) does nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. Couple of times the weather was so bad I had to let her in."

http://i.imgur.com/fDEnAdM.png

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FuckedAsBored
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2014
🚨︎ report
My teacher asked if a student was out any days in January

I responded "No, he was joeseph ever day in January! " My teacher isn't too fond of me.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dyslexicsloth
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2015
🚨︎ report
It's forecast to be the coldest day of the year so far this Thursday.

Well, it is January afterall. (courtesy of my stepdad)

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TreeHuggerGuy96
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2014
🚨︎ report
how many Seconds in a year?

12...

January 2nd, February 2nd...


told to me by a weatherman, I think it counts, he's a dad.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/texacer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2013
🚨︎ report
Expecting Child

Wife and I are expecting a child in January. Due date has already been bumped up once. Before next appointment with doctor...

Wife: I wonder if we'll still be just ahead

Me: Well, I'd hope by now we're at least also arms, legs, and a body

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Senas006
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2014
🚨︎ report
Driving past Christmas lights

We drive past a house with Christmas lights still on (January 12)

Dad- "That's a new record for earliest Christmas lights! Can you believe they already have them up?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WhiskerWhispers
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2014
🚨︎ report
My new favourite Dad joke

An Aussie blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'but Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the entrance exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?''

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?' The blonde replied, 'Twelve!' 'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?' 'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' He walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.' 'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'and what is the answer?' 'It's Andy.' 'Andy??' 'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde. This totally floored St Peter and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrTelly
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2014
🚨︎ report
How many seconds are in a year?

January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd.... etc

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Me: Can I go to the toilet ?

Teacher: It's may!

Me: No! It's January!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SiberCrash
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
🚨︎ report
How many seconds are in a year?

January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd.... etc

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
🚨︎ report
How many seconds are in a year?

January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd.... etc

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report
How many seconds are there in a year?
  1. January 2nd, Feburary 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd & December 2nd.
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDDankUs420
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
🚨︎ report
How many seconds are in a year?..

12

January 2nd, February 2nd and so on..

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GunsNrosas
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2017
🚨︎ report
Women's march?

But it's January!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mormon_freeman
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2017
🚨︎ report
Overheard a very proud dad on the train.

How many seconds in the year?

  1. The 2nd of January, the 2nd of February, the 2nd of March...
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/imgurgitated
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2016
🚨︎ report
How many seconds are in a year?

12!

January second, February second, March second...

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pancakes_15
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2015
🚨︎ report
How many seconds are in a year?

Twelve: January 2nd, Febuary 2nd...

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BobHenry05
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2013
🚨︎ report
My friend just got a son, and already knows how to be a father

He said: I would like to celebrate my birthday this February, but unfortunately I can't.

Because I was born in January!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Omegaile
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.