I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
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It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow.

Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.

β€œOh, I dont know,” she said . β€œJust give me something with diamonds.”

Thats why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ES_FTrader
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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It was my suns birthday today.

4,603,000,001 years young.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NHonis
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogues all over the house.

So, I've taken the hint...

I got her a magazine rack!

πŸ‘︎ 191
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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My mom played the clarinet in high school. She mentioned she wanted to play again, but doesn't have the money to waste on it. I ordered one for her birthday and left her a subtle clue.
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MetalJunkie101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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It’s my half birthday.
πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplysydney22
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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It’s my birthday today.

I wasn’t born yesterday.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clifwith1f
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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I’m mad at my wife because I bought a stun gun for her birthday and she tested it out on me. Twice.

What a revolting response to a gift. I was stunned.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DestroyatronMk8
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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It’s my birthday today and no party is planned due to pandemic. And my daughter said this to cheer me up.

β€œYou will have your cake and eat it too.”

PS: this is the best gift I can get today.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shishir-nsane
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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My dad bought me a locket with my photo in it for my 18th birthday.

I guess he wanted me to be in da pendant.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoggyCake0312
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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It's finally my birthday today...

It feels like I've been waiting for a year.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrmackz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
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Today my mom turns 53, and it's tradition that my dad fills the kitchen with posters before she wakes up, wishing her a happy birthday. This year's were some of his worst (best) work.

http://imgur.com/a/1qKYz

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hhjrxymos
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2015
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It's my birthday. This was my gift. v.redd.it/ncdim2ocm1631
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Linkjmaur
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
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It's my wife's birthday and I bought her slippers and a dildo.

If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.

πŸ‘︎ 155
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keithasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
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Just found out it's my boomerang's birthday.

I wished it many happy returns.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaldrickD2M
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
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My girlfriend said it’d really be a nice birthday surprise if I got her something to run around in.

So I bought her a tracksuit.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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I was at a restaurant tonight with family, when my dad started singing: "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..." (it was no one's birthday - we all looked confused)

"... Happy birthday, dear Menu"

points to "Jan 2014" printed on the base of the menu

"Happy birthday to you"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danieljr1992
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2015
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It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow and she’s wanted to get a new cat (recently lost our old one), so my son and I got a cat from the animal shelter, put her gently into a large gift bag and brought her home. Before I could shut my driver door my son ran inside and ruined the surprise...

Can’t believe he let the cat out of the bag.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5d2248650
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
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It's my wife's birthday. I asked her how old she is.

"45", she answered. "Wow", I said, "That must be some kind of record."

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Enthusinasia
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2018
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It's my son's birthday. Someone is turning 24!

Not my son. He's 11 today.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
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When i turned 18 My dad gave me a BIG birthday gift, it wasn't that heavy - i opened it and saw an empty box.. "but dad, it's empty?"

"yes, you can start packing your stuff tommorow"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/laugeba
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2018
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True Story: I was driving my family to my son's birthday party at one of those trampoline places. While looking for it in the strip mall...

We passed an IHOP, to which I stated "There it is!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pikeben08
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
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It's my birthday today. The best present I got is a broken drum

It's unbeatable

πŸ‘︎ 278
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πŸ‘€︎ u/B3tal
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2017
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It was my daughter's 8th birthday party today

She asked me if it was present time, I told her it is always present time. She was lost. Felt the need to share

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hooterscadoo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2018
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It’s my wife’s birthday in a couple of days…

…and when I asked her what she wanted she said she’d be happy with anything with lots of diamonds in it.

She’s going to love this pack of playing cards I’ve bought her.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2017
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I just got my birthday card and when I opened it, maple syrup came oozing out

It was from my Aunt Jemima

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aparks1437
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2018
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My friend Abbey told me that she's "heard them all" from "crabby Abbey" to Abi-one Kenabi. It's her birthday and I know we can do better.

Comment your best "Abbey" puns. Bonus points: her last name rhymes with "long". Or... dong, I guess. So.... long.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punnishment
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2014
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My Girlfriend got me some Brownies saying 'Happy Birthday Joel' My dad altered it... imgur.com/lh3YMUL
πŸ‘︎ 107
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Smallishbeans
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2013
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My wife: Ill be late from work today. It's my colleague's surprise birthday party.

Me: I am almost sure she knows its her birthday.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2018
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My 10yo cousin made herself a birthday card with her age on it, using glue and glitter. I told her there was no way I'm having that nonsense in my house.

I'm glue-ten intolerant.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/katubug
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2017
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My sister got a new pillow for her birthday but she said she was not sure if she liked it.

My dad said she should sleep on it.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jibbster82
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2016
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Got this birthday card for my dad and it's filled with Dad Jokes!

http://imgur.com/a/u4tGe

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flippinsweet264
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2015
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Today's the day before my dad's birthday, he makes the same joke about it every year.

[Having breakfast with my folks]

Dad: "This is my favorite day of the year."

Me: "Oh yeah 'cause it's your birthday tomorrow right?"

Dad: "No, because today is the one day out of the year where the date is a command!"

Me: "Oh god, not this agai-"

Dad: [cutting me off with a booming impression of a Roman centurion] "MARCH FORTH OR THOU SHALT BE FIFTH! And that's me I'm March 5th."

Me: "Walked right into that one again.."

Dad: "Same time next year?"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeonDoucette
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2015
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It's the birthday of my Polish speaking father-in-law

Seconds away from seeing him I thought to ask how to say Happy Birthday, she just said it's complicated.

Dad: DzieΕ„ dobry

Her: Wszystkiego Najlepszego Z Okazji Urodzin!

Me: It's Complicated!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FatherSquee
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2016
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It's my dad's birthday today

Me: I honestly don't know what to give you this year.

Dad: Can you clap three times?

I clap

Dad: Thanks for giving me a round of applause.

Happy birthday dad

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whitesummerside
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2014
🚨︎ report
It was my daughter's birthday this weekend

Whenever she unwrapped up a present that was inside some sort of nondescript box "Oh wow! A box!! Just what you've always wanted"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eccentricguru
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2013
🚨︎ report
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.

She'll be happy to know I got the hint. I got her a magazine rack!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
🚨︎ report
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
🚨︎ report
It's my dad's birthday today.

"Its the best one I've had all year!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shutupTJ
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2014
🚨︎ report

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