I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
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︎ Mar 19 2021
Itβs my wifeβs birthday tomorrow.
Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
βOh, I dont know,β she said . βJust give me something with diamonds.β
Thats why Iβm giving her a pack of playing cards.
π︎ 13
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︎ Mar 02 2021
It was my suns birthday today.
4,603,000,001 years young.
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︎ Mar 12 2021
Itβs my wifeβs birthday soon and sheβs been leaving jewelry catalogues all over the house.
So, I've taken the hint...
I got her a magazine rack!
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︎ Nov 06 2020
My mom played the clarinet in high school. She mentioned she wanted to play again, but doesn't have the money to waste on it. I ordered one for her birthday and left her a subtle clue.
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︎ Apr 26 2020
Itβs my half birthday.
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︎ Oct 03 2020
Itβs my birthday today.
I wasnβt born yesterday.
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︎ Nov 28 2020
Iβm mad at my wife because I bought a stun gun for her birthday and she tested it out on me. Twice.
What a revolting response to a gift. I was stunned.
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︎ Aug 15 2020
Itβs my birthday today and no party is planned due to pandemic. And my daughter said this to cheer me up.
βYou will have your cake and eat it too.β
PS: this is the best gift I can get today.
π︎ 21
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︎ Sep 24 2020
My dad bought me a locket with my photo in it for my 18th birthday.
I guess he wanted me to be in da pendant.
π︎ 17
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︎ Feb 23 2020
It's finally my birthday today...
It feels like I've been waiting for a year.
π︎ 6
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︎ Jan 25 2020
Today my mom turns 53, and it's tradition that my dad fills the kitchen with posters before she wakes up, wishing her a happy birthday. This year's were some of his worst (best) work.
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︎ Feb 27 2015
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︎ Jun 23 2019
It's my wife's birthday and I bought her slippers and a dildo.
If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.
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︎ Sep 19 2018
Just found out it's my boomerang's birthday.
I wished it many happy returns.
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︎ Sep 06 2019
My girlfriend said itβd really be a nice birthday surprise if I got her something to run around in.
So I bought her a tracksuit.
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︎ Oct 06 2019
I was at a restaurant tonight with family, when my dad started singing: "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..." (it was no one's birthday - we all looked confused)
"... Happy birthday, dear Menu"
points to "Jan 2014" printed on the base of the menu
"Happy birthday to you"
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︎ Jan 02 2015
Itβs my wifeβs birthday tomorrow and sheβs wanted to get a new cat (recently lost our old one), so my son and I got a cat from the animal shelter, put her gently into a large gift bag and brought her home. Before I could shut my driver door my son ran inside and ruined the surprise...
Canβt believe he let the cat out of the bag.
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︎ Mar 17 2019
It's my wife's birthday. I asked her how old she is.
"45", she answered.
"Wow", I said,
"That must be some kind of record."
π︎ 20
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︎ Jul 13 2018
It's my son's birthday. Someone is turning 24!
Not my son. He's 11 today.
π︎ 10
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︎ May 28 2019
When i turned 18 My dad gave me a BIG birthday gift, it wasn't that heavy - i opened it and saw an empty box.. "but dad, it's empty?"
"yes, you can start packing your stuff tommorow"
π︎ 5
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︎ Dec 14 2018
True Story: I was driving my family to my son's birthday party at one of those trampoline places. While looking for it in the strip mall...
We passed an IHOP, to which I stated "There it is!"
π︎ 7
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︎ Apr 17 2019
It's my birthday today. The best present I got is a broken drum
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︎ Jun 08 2017
It was my daughter's 8th birthday party today
She asked me if it was present time, I told her it is always present time. She was lost.
Felt the need to share
π︎ 7
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︎ Sep 15 2018
Itβs my wifeβs birthday in a couple of daysβ¦
β¦and when I asked her what she wanted she said sheβd be happy with anything with lots of diamonds in it.
Sheβs going to love this pack of playing cards Iβve bought her.
π︎ 29
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︎ Apr 29 2017
I just got my birthday card and when I opened it, maple syrup came oozing out
It was from my Aunt Jemima
π︎ 6
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︎ May 03 2018
My friend Abbey told me that she's "heard them all" from "crabby Abbey" to Abi-one Kenabi. It's her birthday and I know we can do better.
Comment your best "Abbey" puns. Bonus points: her last name rhymes with "long". Or... dong, I guess. So.... long.
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︎ Apr 27 2014
My Girlfriend got me some Brownies saying 'Happy Birthday Joel' My dad altered it...
imgur.com/lh3YMUL
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︎ Sep 18 2013
My wife: Ill be late from work today. It's my colleague's surprise birthday party.
Me: I am almost sure she knows its her birthday.
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︎ Jan 11 2018
My 10yo cousin made herself a birthday card with her age on it, using glue and glitter. I told her there was no way I'm having that nonsense in my house.
π︎ 4
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︎ Dec 11 2017
My sister got a new pillow for her birthday but she said she was not sure if she liked it.
My dad said she should sleep on it.
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︎ Jul 10 2016
Got this birthday card for my dad and it's filled with Dad Jokes!
π︎ 20
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︎ May 30 2015
Today's the day before my dad's birthday, he makes the same joke about it every year.
[Having breakfast with my folks]
Dad: "This is my favorite day of the year."
Me: "Oh yeah 'cause it's your birthday tomorrow right?"
Dad: "No, because today is the one day out of the year where the date is a command!"
Me: "Oh god, not this agai-"
Dad: [cutting me off with a booming impression of a Roman centurion] "MARCH FORTH OR THOU SHALT BE FIFTH! And that's me I'm March 5th."
Me: "Walked right into that one again.."
Dad: "Same time next year?"
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︎ Mar 04 2015
It's the birthday of my Polish speaking father-in-law
Seconds away from seeing him I thought to ask how to say Happy Birthday, she just said it's complicated.
Dad: DzieΕ dobry
Her: Wszystkiego Najlepszego Z Okazji Urodzin!
Me: It's Complicated!
π︎ 2
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︎ Jan 05 2016
It's my dad's birthday today
Me: I honestly don't know what to give you this year.
Dad: Can you clap three times?
I clap
Dad: Thanks for giving me a round of applause.
Happy birthday dad
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︎ Jan 12 2014
It was my daughter's birthday this weekend
Whenever she unwrapped up a present that was inside some sort of nondescript box "Oh wow! A box!! Just what you've always wanted"
π︎ 4
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︎ Oct 07 2013
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
π︎ 10k
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︎ Jun 24 2020
Itβs my wifeβs birthday soon and sheβs been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
She'll be happy to know I got the hint.
I got her a magazine rack!
π︎ 6
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︎ Nov 20 2020
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
π︎ 12k
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︎ Aug 22 2019
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
π︎ 15
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︎ May 03 2020
It's my dad's birthday today.
"Its the best one I've had all year!"
π︎ 4
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︎ Apr 26 2014
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