What's the president's backup plan in case the USA gets invaded?

USB

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πŸ‘€︎ u/corken01
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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Why did it take Russia so long to invade Germany?

They were Stalin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wspoons5
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
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God, they are invading us: we need LAW & ORDER!!!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AkaGurGor
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
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God, they are invading us: we need LAW & ORDER!!!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AkaGurGor
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
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What did Hitler say to driver when invading Poland

Take the third Reich

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_am_weebaboo
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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IF RUSSIA INVADED TURKEY FROM THE REAR...WOULD GREECE HELP
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sK197666
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
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My daughter thinks I invade her privacy way to much.

At least that’s what I read in her diary.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Mental_Note_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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We’ve invaded politics
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OMGitsnotjohn
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
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I can't believe Julius Caesar invaded France

Like honestly, he had the Gaul to do that? Wow

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IAmEdgy03
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
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I can't believe that viruses and bacteria would just invade my body without a permission.

That makes me sick.....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/snooprs
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2019
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So if North Korea succeeded in invading South Korea....

would that make it a Seoul crushing Victory?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EdwoodTheOwl
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
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When my roommate streams on Twitch I like to invade his chat with puns. Thought you might enjoy
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lordsyphilitis
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
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Why did the Germans go straight for Paris when invading France in both world wars?

Because they didn't want Toulouse

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Leofric93
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2018
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What happens when your hair is invaded?

the Po-lice come

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EpicSmashMan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2018
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What did Bush use when his plans to invade Iraq weren’t moving smoothly?

WMD-40

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shplurgle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2018
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I'm ok with Russia invading Ukrain

After all, it's about time that London had some sun

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheASHTening
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
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What did Ukraine say when being invaded by Russia?

If I’m going to be Russian, then Soviet!

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2018
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The Challenge of Invading China
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2017
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Why did the Cylons invade the coffee shop?

Because they thought it was Lieutenant Starbuck's place.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mouringcat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2017
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China has invaded Taiwan...

...The UN must condemn this act of wonton aggression.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRtHonLaqueesha
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2017
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Russia planning on invading Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan, Uzbekistan

Putin says "I love it when a stan comes together"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/errie_tholluxe
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2017
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After we heard about Russia invading the Ukraine

Dad: Hey since Russia went and invaded the Ukraine do you think we will have to go and kill Putin?

Me: What? No. Why?

Dad: Oh. I guess I just assumed we'd have to be Putin him down.

Everyone within earshot: groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zektron42
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2014
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Was asking a friend exactly why Gaza is being invaded

Friend : "Because Gaza Israeli bad"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pablodiner
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2014
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And now we are onto the Late News!

Hitler invades Poland, Japan attacks Pearl Harbor, and the Tripartite Pact has been signed!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kcir-dellor
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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A seedy setup
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πŸ‘€︎ u/3linked
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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What do you give a sick lemon?

Lemonaid.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/udrys
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
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When we hug, I call the area between my girlfriend and I the Napoleonic Area.

Because we are just a Bonaparte.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alucard971
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2018
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Studying for my MCAT when I came across this passage in Verbal.

I have written this book to sweep away all misunderstandings about the crafty art of punnery and to convince you that the pun is well worth celebrating.... After all, the pun is mightier than the sword, and these days you are much more likely to run into a pun than into a sword. [A pun is a witticism involving the playful use of a word in different senses, or of words which differ in meaning but sound alike.]

Scoffing at puns seems to be a conditioned reflex, and through the centuries a steady barrage of libel and slander has been aimed at the practice of punning. Nearly three hundred years ago John Dennis sneered, β€œA pun is the lowest form of wit,” a charge that has been butted and rebutted by a mighty line of pundits and punheads.

Henry Erskine, for example, has protested that if a pun is the lowest form of wit, β€œIt is, therefore, the foundation of all wit.” Oscar Levant has added a tag line: β€œA pun is the lowest form of humorβ€”when you don’t think of it first.” John Crosbie and Bob Davies have responded to Dennis with hot, cross puns: β€œ...If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor you can tell them that poetry is verse.”

Samuel Johnson, the eighteenth century self-appointed custodian of the English language, once thundered, β€œTo trifle with the vocabulary which is the vehicle of social intercourse is to tamper with the currency of human intelligence. He who would violate the sanctities of his mother tongue would invade the recesses of the national till without remorse... ”

Joseph Addison pronounced that the seeds of punning are in the minds of all men, and tho’ they may be subdued by reason, reflection, and good sense, they will be very apt to shoot up in the greatest genius, that which is not broken and cultivated by the rules of art.

Far from being invertebrate, the inveterate punster is a brave entertainer. He or she loves to create a three-ring circus of words: words clowning, words teetering on tightropes, words swinging from tent tops, words thrusting their head into the mouths of lions. Punnery can be highly entertaining, but it is always a risky business. The humor can fall on its face, it can lose its balance and plunge into the sawdust, or it can be decapitated by the snapping shut of jaws. While circus performers often receive laughter or applause for their efforts, punsters often draw an obligatory groan for theirs. But the fact that most people groan at, rather than laugh at, puns doesn’t mean that the punnery isn’t fu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zil2mz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2014
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I Dadjoked my parents so badly, my dad didn't get it at first.

Background: last night we had a random insurgence of ants invade our bathroom. We successfully killed most of them with spray and bait, but it left tiny ant carcasses all over the bathroom floor. This morning my mom cleaned the entire bathroom leaving it spotless.

Mom and dad are now relaxing in the living room after mom has cleaned the bathroom:

Me: mom, I really appreciate your cleaning the bathroom, but now our whole family is going to get sick.

Mom: why?

Me: you got rid of all our anti-bodies

Mom groans, I give her a huge grin. My dad didn't get it at first, but after my mom explained it he groaned and said "I'm proud I raised a daughter with such a great sense of humor"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EliseMcg
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2014
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Watching the news with my dad

A story was on TV about Turkey shooting down a Russian plane because it invaded their airspace. My dad said, "It is so nice that Turkey can finally stand up for itself before Thanksgiving." My sister and I laughed, my mom just shook her head.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shannylove2
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2015
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My Dad's, Dad joke.

(We are from Montana.)

Montana and North Dakota are in the middle of a war. The NDs have amassed a huge army and are about to march over a hill to invade MT. The commander of the ND army decides to send out a couple of scouts to see if the way is clear. Almost immediately after the two scouts disappear over the top of the hill, loud crashing and rumbling sounds come from the direction they went. After waiting until they are overdue for return, the commander decides to send a squad over to check out what happened. As they pass out of sight, a loud raucous was again heard from the other side of the hill. The commander becomes concerned and decides not to wait for them to return. He sends an entire platoon over the hill, telling them to take out any resistance they meet and return with any survivors. Once again, as the men disappear over the hill, the terrible sounds of war rush over the entire army and then slowly die down until nothing could be heard but the beating of the commanders heart. A proud man, never before defeated in battle, he decides to lead the entire army over the hill himself to destroy the opposition once and for all, but as they begin to march they see a single, mangled, ND soldier pulling himself up over the top of the hill by the only functioning limb of his body. Beaten, bloody and near death, he manages, with help, to make it to the commander and says; "Sir... (cough) Don't go... (spit, cough) It's a trap..."

And in the surprise induced silence he says;

"There's TWO of 'em."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/error-div_by_zero
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2013
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Why didn’t Russia invade Germany?

Because they were Stalin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/potatohead657
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
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If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear, would Greece help?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moliz1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
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