My wife and I met at the store when we were both buying a copy of the Disney movie โ€œupโ€

It was the perfect meet cute and we kept both copies even after getting married. It was sweet. Not all things are meant to last and when things got a bit rocky we decided to get divorced. I let her keep the apartment and moved my stuff out. Unfortunately, we live in one of those states that mail out ballots. She sent me a text a week after I had left to let me know my ballot had come to the apartment. We had ended things amicably, but neither of us wanted to see each other so soon. Committed to my civic duty, I dropped by after work the next day. When she opened the door she was in tears. She had me come in and I immediately saw it, I had forgotten to take my copy of the movie. Somehow, this felt more final than actually signing the divorce papers. I still cared about her, so I asked if she wanted to talk at all. She shook her head and said through tears, โ€œJust take your Up, vote and go.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 811
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Silent--Soliloquy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
So I'm one of them now

This just happened about an hour ago.

I was holding my infant son, and my wife asked me to hand her the Aquaphor. I said it is a shame we don't have a Dickphor. She just stared at me.

"I don't know what you are saying," she said flatly.

"A dickphor. You know, a dickphor."

"... no idea."

"Oh you know, a dickphor." At this point I'm laughing.

"Wha... I get that you are saying 'dick' instead of 'qua', but I don't understand what that means." She was laughing too by now.

"A dickphor! You've heard of a dickphor! A dickphor!" I figured if I said it enough, she would eventually give me the reply I now needed more than anything.

"... what is a dickph-" she realized in that moment that she had given me exactly what I was after. I could see in her face that she wanted to go back, to un-ask the question. But it was too late. I couldn't hold back long enough for her to even finish the sentence.

"PEEING!" I squealed triumphantly. Not since the Parthian capharacts defeated the calvary of Crassus at Carrhae has a victory tasted so sweet.

We both laughed long enough for our 8 month old son to realize that he was doomed to a life of dadjokes.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 594
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/themeatbridge
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 15 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Halloween Puns

Why couldnโ€™t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.


Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!


Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!


For Halloween Iโ€™m going to write โ€œLifeโ€ on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers


This Halloween, the only Candy Iโ€™m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues


โ€œHalloweenโ€ = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.


Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!


Iโ€™ll be your trick if youโ€™ll be my treat.


How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!


When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day


Whatโ€™s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!


What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood


What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us


What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A โ€œhollow-weenie!โ€


Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house? The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes).


How do you write a book about halloween? With a ghostwriter.



Iโ€™m going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always doโ€ฆ by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely,


Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, โ€œA lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?โ€ The other monster replied, โ€œBe a gentleman and roll them back to her.


The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something youโ€™re not will lead to a sweet reward.


I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, itโ€™s Election night.


I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so Iโ€™m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.


Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? Becuse he had no body to go with.


What did the bird say on Halloween? Trick or tweet!


What do Italianโ€™s eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)


Why canโ€™t the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.


What do goblins and ghosts drink when theyโ€™re hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!


What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi


What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope itโ€™s Halloween!!


What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling.

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 27 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My dadโ€™s version of โ€œThe Night Before Christmasโ€

A Christmas Poem
by Dad (1952โ€“2009)

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shack,
Not a creature was stirring, we was all in the sack;

Our mugs were placed on the mantle with cheer,
In hope that Saint Nick would bring us a beer;

And me I was tucked up all snug in my bed,
But strains of sweet music still danced through my head;

So I sprang from my bed with a crash and a clatter,
And off down the hall with bare feet did I patter;

There on the chair sat my musical pipe,
So I sat down to play without fanfare or hype;

Come Mozart, come Hayden, Stravinski and Strauss,
And write me some music to bring down the house;

When down from the chimney appeared with a crash,
A strange little man in the smoke and the ash;

He wiggled and jumped and got up like a shot,
Came over and said, "Man those cinders are hot!";

His stomach it shook like a bowl full of jelly,
For a moment I thought it was dear old aunt Nelly;

His nose like a cherry, his ears like two jugs,
I was worried that this guy just might be on drugs;

His language was foul, his jokes they were crass,
So I opened the door and threw him out on his ass;

But then as I turned, boy was I ever surprised;
I saw what he'd bought me, or so I surmised;

For there in the corner right under the tree,
Was some brand new sheet music and a case of O.V.;

I turned to say thank-you but found he had gone,
He was not in the garden and not on the lawn;

And just when I thought that he couldn't get far,
I realized the old goat had stolen the car;

Off in the distance he said with a wheeze,
"I hated to do it but you left me the keys!";

I smiled and laughed for this much I could savour,
For I'd just sold the car to my idiot neighbour;

And once more he called as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and don't drive when you're tight!"

Thank you for everything, Dad. We love and miss you.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CannonBall7
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 25 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Dadjoked a cashier

I was out with some friends, we were grabbing some food at a local coffee shop. Their prices were fucking sweet, like three bucks for a sandwich. Anyway, I placed by order:

-$4.50 for a grilled cheese (heavenly)

-$3.00 for a small shake

-$0.60 tax

The cashier nods and says, "Thank you, that'll be $8.10"

I replied, "It's about to be ea-ten"

I'm pretty sure they spit in my food...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 53
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LukeNukem99
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 16 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
This conversation between my (ex)gf.

Long post is long:

Her: Remember dad's tomato bushes? Well they're attacking! At least one is leaning across the path trying to get at my window... We had the war of the roses, now its time for the attack of the tomatoes!

Me: I don't remember anything about tomato bushes. From one battle to the next.

Her: Yep! Lookout tomatoes here comes the chutney recipe!

Me: I can just imagine a cucumber campaign. Operation onion would be next, which will fail, causing everyone to cry. Dill Day follows, a great success for the allied gardeners. All too soon though, the kamikaze carrots set in, utterly ruining the radish raid. The mushroom maneuver is employed, saving the troops, allowing them to deal the final blow in the asparagus assault!

Her: Don't forget the pumpkins want to supply ground cover with heavy support...

Me: Ah yes, the pumpkin paratroopers.

Her: Thyme is running out...

Me: Prepare the beetroot bombs!!!

Her: Aim for Potato Garden!

Me: Fire the capsicum! Deploy the celery team!

Her: Bring in the egg plant division to support the capsicum!

Me: This is it boys, life or dirt! I want a passionfruit unit to find us a vantage point, and the strawberry unit to surround them!

Her: We had better bring the lettuce up to date!

Me: The cabbage are under withering fire, we need support from the raspberry division! The potatoes are mashed, so well need to send the zucchini in their place!

Her: The zucchini can't take that heavy fire, they'll be grated. Send spinach for some extra iron. The sweet potatoes are digging in at the ridge.

Me: Prepare the watermelon bomb, we need to finish this! The eggplant were squashed, deploy the broccoli brigade! The beans need to get out of there, or they'll be split!

Her: Cauliflowers are going in to retrieve the beans. How brave to risk their florets!

The corn commandos are deployed, but the artichokes are all out of heart, we need to boost morale.

Me: The leeks are down! They'll be flattened if we don't do something!

Are the spinach still operational?

Her: Too bad the pepper isn't on our side, they're well seasoned troops.

Spinach is a go!
Nothing has touched it...

Me: But wait! We still have the chillies to give them heavy fire!

Her: And the squashes and peas!

Me: The ginger is holding it's ground, but it's being cut down by the pineapple!

The basil should make things interesting, send them to aid the potatoes.

**Her:

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Zokoro
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DontFuckWithMyMoney
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Got a few of my fellow employees

Well I wait tables in a local restaurant, while opening one morning the the un-sweet tea dispenser was not working. The dishwasher was able to fix it and brought it back out to the drink station. I then thanked him by saying "Unsweet, thanks!" The entire back of house face palmed.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DamnProudpsk
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 25 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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