ICI Pakistan Puns

So this was my Saturday night.

It's January; it's extraordinarily slow because it's cold and icy in my city. Usually there's two bartenders, but it's just me tonight. Me, the bar back, and the door guy. 65 people all night when we are used to roughly 500. So, yeah, there's the picture for you.

In walks a kid who I've seen before. Call him F: he's 23, and originally from Pakistan. His family is all overseas, so it's just him here. He spent some time in Dubai trying to start a business. I once overheard him talking to a regular about wrecking a Mercedes because he "took pills", so I'm keeping an eye on him.

Anyways, he walks in and orders a call-it. Starts talking to an awesome regular, and then goes and mingles with a group of people. He comes back about 45 minutes later and asks for a Red Bull. Makes a comment to my awesome regular that he's sleepy, and after he sucks down that Red Bull, he orders a Bud Lite. Half hour passes by, orders of Corona. Another gap of time passes by orders a round of drinks for that group he's mingling with. Gets another Red Bull, more water, another Corona. You get the picture. All in all, he ordered five drinks the entire night for himself. Five drinks in a span of six hours. Zero shots, only one drink with hard liquor in it.

I'm keeping an eye on him though, because he's getting progressively more fucked up for the very little amount that he's drinking. I start talking to that awesome regular because F seems to be latching on to him whenever he comes to the bar to order. My regular made a comment to F about how drunk he seemed, and F said he "took something". Of course I asked what that's something was, and my awesome regular said, "Norc-something...?"

"Oh... Norco. Yep. Heard."

Drinks are done for the evening for F. I make sure he sucks down a bunch of water, I catch him starting to doze off at the bar top and approach him to make sure he wakes up immediately. I make him sign his check, signal for the door guy to get him outside and make sure he gets home.

All of a sudden, we see this kid walking to his fucking car to drive. Nope, not today. Our door guy is awesome, catches him, starts to smoke a cigarette with him and I walk outside and say, "So we getting you a cab home, yeah?" Yep, all taken care of. Uber's on the way. Uber comes to pick F up, and he's gone. All good.

I shit you not, 45 minutes later, we see an Uber pull up to F's car and this motherfucker gets in his vehicle like he's about to drive home. F l

Do your worst!

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

Pilot on me!!

Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.

This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.

If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.

Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.

What did 0 say to 8 ?

" Nice Belt "

So What did 3 say to 8 ?

" Hey, you two stop making out "

I won't be doing that today!

You take away their little brooms

This morning, my 4 year old daughter.

Daughter: I'm hungry

Me: nerves building, smile widening

Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.

She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.

Thank you all for listening.

There hasn't been a post all year!

It’s pronounced “Noel.”

After all his first name is No-vac

They’re on standbi

What, then, is Chinese rap?

Edit:

Notable mentions from the comments:

• Spanish/Swedish/Swiss/Serbian hits

• French/Finnish art

• Country/Canadian rap

• Chinese/Country/Canadian rock

• Turkish/Tunisian/Taiwanese rap

There hasn't been a single post this year!

(Happy 2022 from New Zealand)

Bob

So that I could frequently say, "I am going to walk 5 miles now."

Edit: My most popular post on Reddit! 😀 Thank you for the awards.

Just to clarify, 12345678

Me grabbing a soda from my (what I thought was) half full 12pk...

Notices there's only 2;

Me: "Awe man... This is a damn bird box!" Her: "What the hell does that mean?!" Me: (Pulls both cans out & shows them to her) "It's only got Toucans."

I'm not ashamed to admit the look on her face was glorious.

I was just sitting there doing nothing.

“BOOM”?!

"That's what they're fighting about."

Because his Visa didn’t work.

free

A happy Uncle.....