The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...

"...40 second birthday". I was so proud.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 31k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/amplifi-dash
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 22 2020
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I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, โ€œDo you want to hear todayโ€™s special?โ€

I said, โ€œYes please.โ€

Waiter: โ€œNo problem sir. Today is special.โ€

Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 17k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 13 2020
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My wife rang me at the pub and said, โ€œIf youโ€™re not home in 10 minutes, Iโ€™m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.โ€ I was home in 5 minutes.

Iโ€™d hate for anything to happen to the dog.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 14k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Brucemoose1
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 06 2020
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โ€œI love my job!โ€ exclaimed the farmer. โ€œAll you do is boss me around all day!โ€ complained one of his sheep. โ€œWhat did you say?โ€ challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

โ€œYou herd me!"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 772
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 25 2020
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You know, I had such a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tyres and roll me down the hill.

They were the Goodyears

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 168
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/sterntoothz
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 30 2020
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My son told me, โ€œDad, I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, and now it burns.โ€

I said, โ€œThatโ€™s Heinz sight for you.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 447
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 16 2020
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Now that Iโ€™m officially a dad I have my first good joke. Me and my wife are driving down the road and a bug splats the window.

I turn to her and say โ€œI bet he donโ€™t have the guts to do that againโ€

Edit: holy shit yโ€™all this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/johnpowers99
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 04 2020
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Get in a pun battle with me, and Iโ€™ll have to put on my...
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 27
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Buglepost
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 25 2020
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I'm a teacher and every day I write a Dad Joke from this sub on the board. Today a student said this to me... I was about to go off... before I got the Dad Joke.

Student: "Sir, someone nutted on the floor!"

Me: *Begins to get angry* *Turns around... there's a hex nut on the floor*

Me: "Well played."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Plane_Garbage
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 30 2020
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As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,

โ€œYou know, one would have been enough.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 902
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Sunken-ship-daddy
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 22 2020
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I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.

The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 15k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/sierrasport
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 04 2020
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I just told a dad joke so shit my wife shouted at me and stormed off (not a joke)

She said I wish you would put as much effort into life as you do your shitty jokes. It wasnt even that bad.

The man on the news said "...in the run up to christmas stores are already announcing record sales" I said "thats not news HMV* announces record sales everyday".

*HMV is a music shop.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/mitcheg3k
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 28 2020
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I was sitting in a bar when a man walked in and proceeded to throw some milk, yoghurt and cheese at me

How dairy

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 43
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Echo-24
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 25 2020
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My 8-year old ran past me and I shouted to her: "Hey, you lost something!"

She stops and ask "What?"

- "Your speed!"

She glares at me and says: "Dad, you lost something!"

- "What?"

- "Your hair!"

Oof.

True story.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 294
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Kaploiff
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 21 2020
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My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 18k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 22 2020
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At a job interview the interviewer asked me why i had a 4 year gap in my resume. I told him, that itโ€™s because i went to yale. He looked impressed and told me iโ€™m hired.

Woohoo, i got a yob! :D

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 76
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Zapyre
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 23 2020
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I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.

https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/RedLeader11037
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 09 2020
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My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me 5 years ago, and today I asked to break up...

When she left, she gave back the $100 exactly. I lost interest in that relationship.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 503
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/TitchBits0019
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 16 2020
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My wife said there was a large fly buzzing around our bedroom and told me to go kill it. I rolled my eyes and said she should call 911. She asked why.

I responded: So they can send the swat team.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 450
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/OfficerBarbier
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 18 2020
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My boyfriend told me as I walked in โ€œhey donโ€™t be alarmed but the toilet is smokingโ€. Concerned, I walked into the bathroom and found this:
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 78
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/slebsta
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 01 2020
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My girlfriend asked me to feed her anaconda hotdogs while she is out of town. I did, but it wouldnโ€™t touch them. Confused, I called her and asked why

She said: โ€œMy anaconda donโ€™t want none unless it has buns, hunโ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 21
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/AwwwwwwYeahhhhhhh
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 14 2020
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All my crabs were pissed at me after I told them I must cook and eat them...

They were steamed!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 29 2020
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People often ask me how I can play golf so much and still be so bad at it

It takes a lot of balls.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/BHarcade
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 19 2020
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I went to the beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. "Sir, you gave me an extra."

"That's a freebie."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 106
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/sometimes-somewhere
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 23 2020
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A Chihuahua and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink, when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Bulldog says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 107
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/jigsatics
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 07 2020
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Went to the pet store and ordered a dozen bees. I noticed that the clerk gave me 13...

so I asked if that was a free bee. He replied, "No, that's called a baker's dozen. If you spent less time reading reposts on Reddit, you would know that."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/jpep0469
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 09 2020
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I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said โ€˜if you need anything, Iโ€™m Jill.โ€™

Iโ€™ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 70
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ItsRynGYT
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 17 2020
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I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I also...

...had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 16k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 14 2020
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I tried to quell a disagreement between me and my girlfriend in the shopping mall. But by the time we got to the second level we were shouting at each other.

In retrospect we shouldnโ€™t have been on that escalator.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/sellwinerugs
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 30 2020
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I bought a box of condoms from the store the other day and the cashier asked me if I wanted a bag

I said โ€œnah, Iโ€™ll just turn the lights off.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 46
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Theunkillable
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 13 2020
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My family and friends told me they were 'two tyred' of my puns, that they couldn't 'handle' it any more and needed a 'brake'. So I decided to focus my energy elsewhere and designed these cards which they're all gonna recieve in the mail
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/flumppppp
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 11 2020
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My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.

So we did it squid pro quo

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 25
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/NoMoreTerritory
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 19 2020
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I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me

Man, I puma pants

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/mr0mayhem
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 26 2020
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The other day my wife asked me for her lipstick and I accidentally passed her a gluestick.

She still isn't talking to me.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 46
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ScocoPope
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 20 2020
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I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnโ€™t happy at all. โ€œHow much have you had to drink?โ€ she asked sternly, staring at me. โ€œNothingโ€ I slurred. โ€œLook at me!โ€ she shouted. โ€œItโ€™s either me or the pub, which one is it?โ€

I paused for a second while I thought and said, โ€œItโ€™s you. I can tell by the voice.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 8k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 10 2020
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Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.

I lost the Rockโ€™s paper scissors.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 8k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/dasbett311
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 12 2020
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5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.

All 3 said No!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/chandan_2294
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 20 2020
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Just had a dealer try to sell me a piece of stone he said was from Ireland and kissed by St Patrick. When I looked underneath it said 'Made in China.'

Obviously a sham rock.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Rav4xle
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 15 2020
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My wife got me good and there was nothing I could do

I was playing with our toddler when for whatever reason Humpty Dumpty popped in my head. I started trying to think of a funny rhyme about Dumpty cracking open and being unable to pay for US medical care and thus now lives a pain-addled, poor life. Yeah, idk.

Anyway, I couldnโ€™t think of the original second half of the rhyme and so I asked my wife. She told me the rhyme and I said thanks. After a short silence goes by she goes,

โ€œWhat are you doing, trying to think of another lame dad yolk?โ€

I didnโ€™t know my son had two dads but I know now

Edit: typos

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/BoutTreeeFiddy
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 21 2020
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I told me therapist, โ€œLast night, I had a nightmare that I was fighting Jason Bourne and Will Hunting at the same time.โ€

Therapist: Iโ€™m glad that you are finally battling your Damons.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 60
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 26 2020
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My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, โ€œNOT THE KRYPTONITE!โ€ and I said, โ€œThatโ€™s Supermanโ€ฆโ€

โ€œThanks, man, โ€ he replied, โ€œIโ€™ve been practising it a lot.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/DarkSideDweller
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 21 2020
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i went to a restaurant and the waitress threw a piece of meat on the ceiling. she offered me $100 to go and get it off and i replied:

No, the steaks are too high!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/mferrari24
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 19 2020
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My wife showed me two quilts, and asked me which one I preferred.

I said, โ€œI refuse to make blanket statements.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 25 2020
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Send me your terrible puns and I will make equally terrible MS Paint adaptations
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/HomemadePhilosopher
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 04 2020
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My wife pulled me aside yesterday. We sat down and she told me she had some news. Honey, I'm pregnant were here exact words.

I responded with hi pregnant, i'm dad.

"No you're not."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 27
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/throwawaymaybeso
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 04 2020
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When I Was A Child Santa Gave Me Coal One Year For Christmas, So I Poisoned His Cookies And Milk

Somehow he found out and killed my dad!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 128
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Champyman714
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 21 2020
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I was helping my wife carry the grocery bags inside the house. All of the sudden she gets mad at me and says to carry more stuff.

I mean I would carry more but my hands were tide.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/vapingpigeon94
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 21 2020
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Thereโ€™s a new drug going around that is nicknamed โ€œangleโ€. My friends want to try it with me, but I took a D.A.R.E. course and donโ€™t want to do drugs, so my friends make fun of me.

I guess Iโ€™m just too square to try angle.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/PopTarnekPop
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 17 2020
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This guy just approached me and wonโ€™t leave me alone until I solve a trigonometry problem.

I donโ€™t know what his angle is.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/FinalCaveat
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 10 2020
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My son Tiberius just came up to me and said "can I have a book Mark?"

....and I burst into tears ๐Ÿคฃ. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Memphis.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/socdist
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 03 2020
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Iโ€™m mad at my wife because I bought a stun gun for her birthday and she tested it out on me. Twice.

What a revolting response to a gift. I was stunned.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 54
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/DestroyatronMk8
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 15 2020
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Guy gets pulled over for running a stop sign. He says to the cop โ€œgive me a break man, I slowed down.โ€ The cop starts beating on the guy and says...

โ€œSo... do you want me to slow down or do you want me to stop?โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/CaymanRich
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 19 2020
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I told the dentist my teeth were hurting so he told me to go home and drink some Whiskey

So I gave it a shot

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/FrescoIX
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 06 2020
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It's the opposite day and my friend challenges me in tic tac toe. when it's his turn, he grabs the pencil by his foot. I ask him why and he responds:

"I'm playing the toe tactic"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Aglaz
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 25 2020
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My boss was looking for me at work today. When he finally found me he asked where I had been, and I said

Good employees are hard to find nowadays

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 95
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/B0GiN
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 21 2020
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I was exiting my vehicle and the dashboard told me โ€œdoor ajarโ€

Still have yet to successfully store my jam there

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/billbrasky43
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 26 2020
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I wonder how I didnโ€™t know me and my girlfriendโ€™s relationship was coming to a stop

All the signs were there

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/sir_swankington
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 13 2020
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My kid asked me what's my favorite month and I answered, "July".

She asked again: Why July?

I said: I didn't lie.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 54
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/detharos
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 21 2020
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It was raining this morning and my wife had to drive right past where I work, so I said 'Will you give me a lift?'

She said 'Have you lost weight? Nice shirt, by the way, and your hair looks fantastic.'

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/AlRedux
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 08 2020
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I just told my dad that things were tense between me and my BFF right now.

He responded with "Wow. Things are so tents it yurts."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ImHannahGrace
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 10 2020
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I was walking down the street after leaving the pharmacy and noticed a casket was chasing me. Well all I had was a bottle off cough syrup so I threw it at the casket...

...and then the coffin stopped.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Scamperillium
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 15 2020
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I was talking to my friend and he asked me, โ€œAs a young boy was your mom strict with you?โ€ I told him, โ€œTo be honest,...

โ€œ...my mother was never a young boy.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 211
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/labink
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 30 2020
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I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebeeโ€™s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said

โ€œJust-ice has been servedโ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Thunderfighter6
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 04 2020
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I was reading a novel earlier when my daughter came up to me and asked why the book was so thick.

Itโ€™s a long story.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 69
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/SarcasticaFont
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 27 2020
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My friend and I were dolphin-back racing when he cut me off.

He did it on porpoise.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/1kings2214
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 03 2020
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My wife and I were making nachos, and she told me she was gonna start grating the cheese.

I asked her if penmanship counts.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/euratowel
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 14 2020
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My girlfriend gave me an ultimatum: I have to choose between her and my career as a news reporter.

I have some breaking news for her.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 66
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 22 2020
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My imterviewer asked me why I put A, C, D, E, I, M, N, O, R, and T on my application.

I told him they were the letters of recommendation.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 159
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ChargedMedal
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 10 2020
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I was out walking the dogs today, and a friend asked me if they were Jack Russells ?

Nah...they're mine, I said.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 16
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/HugoZHackenbush2
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 01 2020
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My friend called me in a panic and shouted, โ€œAn evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I donโ€™t know what to do!โ€ Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...

...heโ€™s really a big lyre.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/flamingkitten101
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 29 2020
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I was in town earlier on looking for some fly killer. I picked up a can and asked the young store assistant "Excuse me, is this any good for wasps?"

"No" he said, "It kills them"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/PM-MEYOUR-PERKY-NIPS
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 24 2020
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People are always telling me that โ€œmeanโ€ and โ€œrudeโ€ have the same definitions. So I ask them,

โ€œWhat do you rude?โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/MisterBicorniclopse
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 09 2020
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me...

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute and when I came out, I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a slight limp...

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 30
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 03 2020
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My grandpa came to me and said, "I don't know what to do with these socks with holes!"

I said, "darn!"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 26 2020
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I work in a kitchen and my colleague threw a satchet of salt at me and said

Youโ€™ve just been a-salted

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Cordite96
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 23 2020
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I was walking down the street and suddenly ran into the guy who once sold me an antique globe.

Itโ€™s a small world.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 25
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 13 2020
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My wife said she's gonna leave me if I don't change and stop reading erotic novels

I decided to turn over a new leaf

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/19BlackHeart99
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 29 2020
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My rooster is an artist. He draws on plates and I add arms and numbers, but for the life of me I canโ€™t tell if heโ€™s drawing snakes, mountains, teepeeโ€™s, etc., so I finally asked him and he said:

Clockโ€™s a doodled doo.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/StretchSmiley
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 26 2020
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Something weird happened today. I went to talk to a friend, and he asked me to calculate arcsecant out of the blue.

He said "Gimme asec".

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Pokefan713
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 25 2020
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My son looked at me with a silly grin and asked, "What do you and an antique door have in common?" I shrugged and replied, "I haven't a clue, what?" He explained...

"You're both worth more than you used to be, even though you're unhinged and your knobs don't work!"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 22
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 15 2020
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I once went on a date that ended with me and the girl sleeping together. After sex she lit a cigarette and told me me all about her hobby: collecting roadkill and pinning it to her wall. Well, there's no way I could see her after that...

Smoking is such a turn off.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/slatersays22
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 22 2020
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Today at dinner, my little brother asked me who a skeletonโ€™s favorite celebrity is. I asked who, then he proceeded to Skeletor laugh and say....

.... Pelvis Presley

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 29
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/RedBeard308
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 05 2020
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So my wife and I were singing the song โ€œThe farmer in the dellโ€ to our daughter. My wife looks at me and asks โ€œWhatโ€™s a dell?โ€

To which I responded: a British pop singer

Then came the eye roll

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 23
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/tpatt83
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 05 2020
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A family was out hunting and the mother said it was time to go. The father replied, Iโ€™ll be right there, let me just...

shoulder this bird, hun.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/VeryOriginalName98
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 23 2020
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I was racing with my younger brother on the track, and then he got mad that I didnโ€™t draw a finish line marker on the sand. We kept racing but he kept losing, and at one point he got so mad he threw a tantrum and started hitting and punching and kicking me furiously

.....and thatโ€™s when I drew the line.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/singh_j
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 12 2020
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As we sat down for lunch, I proudly announced to my daughter, "Little known fact, the first French fries werenโ€™t actually cooked in France!" Unimpressed, she ignored me and kept eating. Not being one to give up, I continued...

"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 20 2020
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My daughter called me in a panic and asked, "Dad! My car just broke down! What should I do!?" I replied calmly...

"Whisper it some words of encouragement!"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 48
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 08 2020
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I couldn't decide on which side of the road I wanted to use my loom. On the northbound side the southbound side looked better. And upon crossing to the southbound side, the northbound side looked better. The cops soon arrested me for operating under the influence.

They said I was weaving all over the road.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 20
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 30 2020
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My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school, and I said Yes.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 14k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 17 2020
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My server slammed a glass of water down, tossed a spoon with a knife on the table and stomped off back to the kitchen. I pondered about their attitude for a moment and then it hit me...

They just didn't give a fork...

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 05 2020
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My wife stood up and said, โ€œItโ€™s overโ€, and started walking out on me. I just sat there.

I love watching the end credits of a movie.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 60
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 15 2020
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"Egg-plant" shirt by me. Never got why the vegetable was called that until I found out that they used to be white and look like goose eggs back in the day
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 21
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/stephaniehuang66
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 25 2020
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I went to the beekeeper and asked for 12 bees, he gave me 13...

That's a free-bee be said.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 60
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Everisfunny
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 28 2020
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Some guy just approached me and refused to leave until I solve a trigonometry problem.

I have no idea what his angle is.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/FinalCaveat
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 04 2020
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As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:

Yโ€™know, one would have been enough.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 61
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/meditate_medicate
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 22 2020
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My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, "NOT THE KRYPTONITE!" and I said, "That's Superman..."

"Thanks, man," he replied, "I've been practising a lot."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 411
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Lafuss_tent
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 24 2020
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