I and Me Puns

"...40 second birthday". I was so proud.

I said, “Yes please.”

Waiter: “No problem sir. Today is special.”

Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.

I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.

“You herd me!"

They were the Goodyears

I said, “That’s Heinz sight for you.”

I turn to her and say “I bet he don’t have the guts to do that again”

Edit: holy shit y’all this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy

Student: "Sir, someone nutted on the floor!"

Me: *Begins to get angry* *Turns around... there's a hex nut on the floor*

Me: "Well played."

“You know, one would have been enough.”

The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!

She said I wish you would put as much effort into life as you do your shitty jokes. It wasnt even that bad.

The man on the news said "...in the run up to christmas stores are already announcing record sales" I said "thats not news HMV* announces record sales everyday".

*HMV is a music shop.

How dairy

She stops and ask "What?"

- "Your speed!"

She glares at me and says: "Dad, you lost something!"

- "What?"

- "Your hair!"

Oof.

True story.

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

Woohoo, i got a yob! :D

https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282

When she left, she gave back the $100 exactly. I lost interest in that relationship.

I responded: So they can send the swat team.

She said: “My anaconda don’t want none unless it has buns, hun”

They were steamed!

It takes a lot of balls.

"That's a freebie."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."

so I asked if that was a free bee. He replied, "No, that's called a baker's dozen. If you spent less time reading reposts on Reddit, you would know that."

I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.

...had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

In retrospect we shouldn’t have been on that escalator.

I said “nah, I’ll just turn the lights off.”

So we did it squid pro quo

Man, I puma pants

She still isn't talking to me.

I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

I lost the Rock’s paper scissors.

All 3 said No!

Obviously a sham rock.

I was playing with our toddler when for whatever reason Humpty Dumpty popped in my head. I started trying to think of a funny rhyme about Dumpty cracking open and being unable to pay for US medical care and thus now lives a pain-addled, poor life. Yeah, idk.

Anyway, I couldn’t think of the original second half of the rhyme and so I asked my wife. She told me the rhyme and I said thanks. After a short silence goes by she goes,

“What are you doing, trying to think of another lame dad yolk?”

I didn’t know my son had two dads but I know now

Edit: typos

Therapist: I’m glad that you are finally battling your Damons.

“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practising it a lot.”

No, the steaks are too high!

I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”

I responded with hi pregnant, i'm dad.

"No you're not."

Somehow he found out and killed my dad!

I mean I would carry more but my hands were tide.

I guess I’m just too square to try angle.

I don’t know what his angle is.

....and I burst into tears 🤣. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Memphis.

What a revolting response to a gift. I was stunned.

“So... do you want me to slow down or do you want me to stop?”

So I gave it a shot

"I'm playing the toe tactic"

Good employees are hard to find nowadays

Still have yet to successfully store my jam there

All the signs were there

She asked again: Why July?

I said: I didn't lie.

She said 'Have you lost weight? Nice shirt, by the way, and your hair looks fantastic.'

He responded with "Wow. Things are so tents it yurts."

...and then the coffin stopped.

“...my mother was never a young boy.”

“Just-ice has been served”

It’s a long story.

He did it on porpoise.

I asked her if penmanship counts.

I have some breaking news for her.

I told him they were the letters of recommendation.

Nah...they're mine, I said.

...he’s really a big lyre.

"No" he said, "It kills them"

“What do you rude?”

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute and when I came out, I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a slight limp...

I said, "darn!"

You’ve just been a-salted

It’s a small world.

I decided to turn over a new leaf

Clock’s a doodled doo.

He said "Gimme asec".

"You're both worth more than you used to be, even though you're unhinged and your knobs don't work!"

Smoking is such a turn off.

.... Pelvis Presley

To which I responded: a British pop singer

Then came the eye roll

shoulder this bird, hun.

.....and that’s when I drew the line.

"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"

"Whisper it some words of encouragement!"

They said I was weaving all over the road.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

They just didn't give a fork...

I love watching the end credits of a movie.

That's a free-bee be said.

I have no idea what his angle is.

Y’know, one would have been enough.

"Thanks, man," he replied, "I've been practising a lot."