I found the only psychic that could communicate with dead animals. I was skeptical at first, but when she talked about my animals it felt as if she lived with them her entire life.

She was a rare medium well done.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I pine fir the good oak days, when it was poplar to spruce up the living room with a real tree.
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/und88
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I find it really hard to say what my wife does for a living.

She sells seashells by the sea shore.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like to live in China

He says he can't complain

πŸ‘︎ 268
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dudebrostien
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

πŸ‘︎ 84
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I live near an atomic shelter and in my encounters with it, it never lied and always kept its word

Now that's what I call structural integrity

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I can't seem to grow oats or barley, or spelt in the mountains where I live. I guess it's true what they say...

No plains no grains

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ahughman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to upholster furniture for a living and hated it. My boss switched me to packing for a while then switched me back. I hate it so bad I have to go to a support group. Talking helps me to do the damned job.

I'm in recovery.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend Adam was telling me how, in addition to marrying a hot super model whose daddy bought the house he lives in and the car he drives just for marrying his daughter, he was also sexing up a hot stewardess. I found it hard to believe...

Because Adams make up everything!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I live in genuine terror of boiling an egg and cracking it open to find a dead, boiled chick inside

No yolk

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AnnoyingChef
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
🚨︎ report
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says β€œWow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”

β€œPop.” Goes the weasel.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/No_Hard_Feelings_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Oman! You’re about to read some terrible stuff.

β€œI live in Spain without the β€˜s’”.

This inspired me to come up with some truly terrible country-related jokes.

It’s about to Bahrain jokes without the β€œBah”.

  1. I have a double China without the β€œa”.

  2. Some people have told me that I look a lot like a German without the β€œan”.

  3. Oman, I think that one conspiracy about Israel Israel.

  4. You all probably want to hit me with Japan without the β€œJ”.

  5. You probably can’t Kuwait to stop reading these without the β€œKu”.

  6. Nowadays, car companies are focusing on making electric cars, but I Madagascar.

  7. As you’ve probably guessed, I don’t even have one Nepal without the β€œNe”.

All of these bad jokes made me Hungary so Iran to the nearest shop to get some food. Why am I always India-r need of food?

I sincerely apologise, fellow people. These jokes probably left a painful Denmark on your souls without the β€œDen”, of course.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/anipanreads
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Today, I saw a homeless man living in a tyre, so I punctured it

He's now living in a flat

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Khevan_YT
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
🚨︎ report
So I brought a tree home for Christmas

My son saw the huge tree and asked, "Are you going to put i up yourself?"

I replied, "No son I'm going to put it up in the living room."

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
After years of trying I have decided to give up on my life long dream of becoming a world renowned spaghetti chef. It’s time to move on and stop living in ...
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/darlosworld
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm addicted to robbing chemistry stores. It is what I live for. I know that it's illegal, I know that it's dangerous. I've even nearly been killed a couple of times. But I don't care,

I'll diluting.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/analblades
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Me: β€œBilly passed out in the living room” Dad: β€œWell I guess it’s not the living room anymore”
πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/awildspenappears
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
🚨︎ report
My son keeps chewing on the live electric wires...as a parent, I handled it...

I told him he’s grounded.

πŸ‘︎ 203
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BalenTheWeeb
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2018
🚨︎ report
I bake apple pies for a living. I recently bought an apple corer, but I quit using it...

...because it was boring.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gasoline_Dion
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I did a good deed today. I saw a homeless man living in a tyre and I punctured it...

How is that a good deed you ask?

Well now he lives in a flat!

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Metalingus03
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2019
🚨︎ report
A squirrel is living in a pine tree, when one day, he feels it shaking, looks down and sees an elephant climbing the tree. The squirrel shrieks, β€œWhat are you doing climbing my tree?” β€œWell, I’m coming up here to eat some pears.” says the elephant.

β€œYou idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears!”

β€œWell I brought my own pears.”

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Why are The Doors scheduled to play as an opening act of nearly every concert I attend, but I never made it to catch them play live?
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dirty_boy69
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
🚨︎ report
For me, the urge to sing β€œThe Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always just a whim away...

a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thegreatsorcerer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I bought a massive Christmas tree at the weekend. The guy in the store asked "Are you planning on putting it up yourself?"

I said "Nah, I'll probably just put it up in the living room"

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kreevbik
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
One day I want to create a documentary that follows the life of a dolphin trainer. I’ll call it, β€œliving with a porpoise.”
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/millennialmystic
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2018
🚨︎ report
My printer just told me it was joining a band

Makes sense since it lives to jam

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/owarner40
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I've started investing in stocks...

Mostly beef, chicken, and vegetable.

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IDontCare320
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree.

The guy behind the counter said to my dad, "Are you going to put it up yourself?".

Dad replied, "Don't be disgusting, I'm going to put it in the living room."

πŸ‘︎ 950
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
It's 1am on January 1st where I live.

I haven't slept since last year, and I'm EXHAUSTED!

πŸ‘︎ 122
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LordHussyPants
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2016
🚨︎ report
The Punner’s Prayer

Dear Lord as week seek to produce puns worthy of your praise, lettuce relish this opportunity. We ask that you would cause humor to sprout in the hearts of those who think us nuts. Continue to cultivate in us passion, fruit which beets back sadness and joy which leeks into others. Though some may say we are corny we know you will give us sage wisdom. Give us the confidence to know we are kale’in it as we bring choy to the world and live apply ever after.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cool-breeze7
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree.

The assistant asked me, β€œWill you be putting that up yourself?” I replied, β€œNo, I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”

πŸ‘︎ 272
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/forstuvetankel
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend and her younger sisters (21 and 9) were adopted by lesbian parents. I'm going to be the only dad joke source in their lives and it's a big responsibility that I take seriously. Any suggestions are welcomed.

For the youngest siblings recent 9th birthday I put 9 dollars in a block of ice (had to bribe a local butcher shop to let me put a cooler in their freezer, worth it) But I need some long term ideas, because I intend to show this family with a lack of dads the full scope of dad jokes

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MANTHEFUCKUPBRO
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2016
🚨︎ report
My father was in the army...

And I remember he used to be stationed in exotic places all over the world. Once he came back home with a very exotic looking bird. I asked him what kind of a bird it was and he told me it’s a rare almost extinct species called a Foux (pronounced Foo). This foux was the apple of his eye and he would take care of the bird as if it was his own child. Sometime during this period the Foux began developing a real bad case of constipation and my father was really worried about it. He tried all kinds of medicines to make the Foux pass it’s bowels, but nothing was working. One day, during this period, I woke up to a huge argument taking place between my parents. My mom was accusing him of cheating on her during one of his tours, she had found some pictures of him and another woman and he was denying it vehemently. I realized then that my father had been quite the philanderer and this wasn’t the first time he had been caught. My mom was trying to get him to just admit to his indiscretion.

β€œWhy don’t you just admit it Harry”, she said;

but he stuck to his denial,

β€œYou think I could ever do something like this Sarah”, he said.

Right then amidst all this ruckus, the Foux began to take a dump, in the middle of the living room.

My mom looked at the bird, then looked back at my dad and with a sense of resignation she just said β€œWell if the Foux shits...”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RangaRedRascal
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
3 unwritten rules of life...
πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ryannbajaj
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife asked him to help her put up a cristmas tree.

wife: Come help! I can’t put it up myself

me: Then pu it up in the living room.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Totika123
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
If you clean a vacuum cleaner...

...you make the vacuum cleaner.

If you make a living out of it, you'd be called the vacuum cleaner.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NecroUknown
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
After watching Hubie Halloween I realized that every Adam Sandler movie takes place in the same universe.

Unfortunately, it's the one we live in.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/csteelatgburg
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
They found bones of a homisapien who lived before the ice age. Some say he was the first hipster...

since he lived on the earth before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gunjeepcigarbeer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I cut down a Christmas tree today. My wife asked me if I was going to put it up myself.

I said: β€œOf course not. I was going to put it up in the living room.”

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a homeless man living in a tyre, so I punctured it

He now lives in a flat

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/swiggetyswine69
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Oman! You’re about to read some terrible stuff.

β€œI live in Spain without the β€˜s’”.

This inspired me to come up with some truly terrible country-related jokes.

It’s about to Bahrain jokes without the β€œBah”.

  1. I have a double China without the β€œa”.

  2. Some people have told me that I look a lot like a German without the β€œan”.

  3. Oman, I think that one conspiracy about Israel Israel.

  4. You all probably want to hit me with Japan without the β€œJ”.

  5. You probably can’t Kuwait to stop reading these without the β€œKu”.

  6. Nowadays, car companies are focusing on making electric cars, but I Madagascar.

  7. As you’ve probably guessed, I don’t even have one Nepal without the β€œNe”.

All of these bad jokes made me Hungary so Iran to the nearest shop to get some food. Why am I always India-r need of food?

I sincerely apologise, fellow people. These jokes probably left a painful Denmark on your souls without the β€œDen”, of course.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/anipanreads
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My kid asked me if I’m going to put the Christmas tree up myself.

I said I was gonna put it up in the living room.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FlamingNinja925
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
It's 2:00am on January 1st where I live.

I haven't slept since last year and I'm EXHAUSTED!

πŸ‘︎ 139
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LordHussyPants
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2014
🚨︎ report

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