I heard Michael Jackson on the radio the other day…
Now I can’t help but wonder if Annie really is ok.
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese
I heard that Cricket matches can last for days...
No rest for the wicket, I suppose.
I just heard the king of Spain is quarantined on his private jet-
The reign in Spain stays mainly on the plane.
Heard a mom at the pool make a fantastic dad joke the other day.
This kid had a big float and it was the only float in the pool. He was paddling going around talking to every single person he could reach. One of the moms asked him what his name was, and he replied “Noah”. The mom then said “well that makes sense, you’re the only one with the float!”
Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon?
They have great food but no atmosphere
I lost my job at the bank on my first day
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I heard there’s a sale going on for clocks at a store.
They’re selling out at an alarming rate.
The jokes I’ve heard on Zoom aren’t remotely funny
Recently, I've been driving my wife crazy with how many friends named Fred I've been making, and they all look the same, no less. That said, one day a man rang our bell, and my wife, relieved that he did not look like my other friends, asked who he was, to which a replied:
"Don't worry, Honey, he's just another Fred of mine."
This is the coolest pun I’ve heard.
I heard on the news, a man was shot 200 times with an upholstery gun.
Apparently he's now completely recovered
I heard my vacuum has been collecting dirt on me for years...
But I'm not worried it has a filter.
I was in the hotel lobby the other day when I heard 2 chess masters bragging about past wins.
They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
I heard a salt joke the other day.
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
Why do I always feel great on Saturdays and Sundays, and sick on all the other days ?
Maybe I just have a weekend immune system..
I forgot to post this on Pi Day. Oh well! The Argyle Sweater for 3/14/21
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
I just heard the man who invented autocorrect just died
May he restaurant in peace
My dad asked me if I had heard of Murphy's Law
I said "Yes, dad. If something can go wrong, it will go wrong".
He then asked me if I had heard of Coles Law
"No, dad. What is that one"?
He says, "thinly sliced cabbage".
I make Christmas wreaths for a living. So I decided I would make one out of 100 dollar bills the other day.
I call it a wreath of Franklin.
Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.
But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.
The husband said to the wife "Honey, I heard one of our neighbours past away due to Corona"
The wife asked "Who, Ray?"
The husband said "No need to be so happy"
I overdosed on viagra the other day
It was the hardest day of my life
So I was on a flight the other day when they guy next to me asked me if I heard of “bird strikes.”
I honestly didn’t think they could hold signs.
I heard thunder nearby, so I ran around and turned on all the lights.
When kids asked me why, I said "where's there's thunder, there's lighting!"
I heard a cover of 'Do They Know It's Christmas?' the other day. It was painful to listen to, but over quickly.
Like ripping off a Band Aid.
I'm starting up a festive business where I attach Christmas bells to men's neckwear..
Good Tie-dings to all men!
I heard the England v Ukraine game was going to be postponed because a Ukrainian player has Covid
A shot heard around the Presidium
The other day, I had to unclog a toilet with my own hands, so I put on some rubber gloves.
You could say I had gauntlets of auger power!
Have you heard they’re making Christmas themed tampons?
They’re for the festive period!
I spent the whole day putting a clock on my belt
It was a total Waist of Time
On my last day of vacation, I said goodbye to the ocean...
I was walking around this aquarium the other day. When I heard these 2 fish singing....
I think it was Pike and Tina Tuna.
Have you heard of the Christmas game that Germans play?
I got fired from my teaching job for bringing in the wrong replacement on my sick day.
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
I was prescribed medication but I couldn't take it. It was too hard to get the lid off. You might have heard of it...
Almost everyone has the day off on the Fourth of July. Except fire.
Fire works on the Fourth of July
I was walking home late on halloween when I heard a loud clop, clop, clop.
I looked back and I was being followed by a coffin. I sped up and so did the coffin. When I couldn't run anymore I searched my pockets for anything to help. I found a few Hall's mentholyptus that I threw at it!! Coffin stopped.
have you heard of the guy who broke his legs on purpose?
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
I gave my bike a new name after it came back from the bell repair shop
It has a nice ring to it.
I heard that a gang based in Los Angeles is creating paper money with pictures of the founder's foot's digits in place of presidents...
I dunno if the Crip-toe currency will take off or not.
What's the best time of day on a clock?
Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
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