My co workers can’t stand working with me at the sperm bank because every time a new customer walks in I can’t help but say
I am watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The beginning. I get to the part where the heroine is hiding in a vat of waste from the slaughter house. I can't help but think, well that's just offal
2 guys are hunting together and one of them gets mauled by a bear. So the one who isn't hurt calls the hospital and says "hey so my friend was mauled by a bear and I think he's dead, can you send help?"
The woman on the other end of the line says "well okay, can you make sure he's dead?". Suddenly you hear a BANG "okay now what?"
Help me! I can't stop smoking, drinking alcohol, and gambling. Worse, I can't think of the word that describes this problem!
Worst of all, people keep saying, "You're a dick, Ted" -- Ted
Hi I’m Parry Hotter how can I help you?
I keep calling my wife Delilah even though her name is Delia. I keep calling our lawn "the green, green grass of home". And worst of all, every time I see a cat, I can't help but ask, "What's new, pussycat?"
It turns out I have Tom Jones Syndrome. My doctor says it's not unusual.
For years, I’ve told people that chiropractors can not help with posture. But just yesterday, a friend convinced me to give it a try, and already I see improvement…
Gf asked for help, and I did the best I can
Can anybody give me some advice to help me removing ice from my windshield? I just tried with a discount card I had In my pocket
Me: I’m having trouble jumping my friend’s car, can you help us?
My dad: Did you try getting a running start?
I need help following up with this pun, this is a video about a scientist giving a lecture about fire, I can’t think of any more other than pun-ch line
Gf asked for help, and I did the best I can
An old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist, "Is there some pills that can help with sex?" The pharmacist says, "Yes, Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself" The old guy asks, "Can you get it over the counter?" Pharmacist replies, "If I took 2 or 3, probably."
"Dad, I need help with my grammar homework. Can you name two pronouns?"
A farmer said to me “I have 68 sheep. Can you help round them up for me?”
I can't help this feeling...
I can’t believe I wasted all my time trying to help rearrange the vending machines at my local grocery store...
I’ve been moving them around all day but they still say they are “Out of Order”
I can't help it, I like Google's "I'm feeling lucky" button
It's basically love at first site.
“Can you help me with the curtains? I need to make sure the carpet matches the drapes.”
And THAT is a sexual in-your-window!
I absentmindedly bought a block of cheese. As soon as I unwrapped it, it spoke, saying, "I'm depressed. Can you help with this sadness?"
Damn. I picked up bleu cheese.
I have this disease where I can’t stop signaling to planes for help.
The doctor told me my symptoms are flaring up.
I asked my friend "Bro, can you help me designing this pamphlet?"
It’s weird- I can’t help but talk about footwear every time I sneeze.
Help! I can't read anyone's posts!
I never learned sign language.
Sometimes I can't help but otter a few puns.
I need someone who can help me fix my bike
It won’t stand up on its own anymore
It’s two tired
At the end of a call at my job, I ask if there’s anything else I can help with.
Guy (being bugged by his kids in the background) replies, “Yeah, can I put 9 and 12 year olds in your recycle containers?”
I replied, without skipping a beat, “Oh, no. I’m so sorry, We JUST stopped accepting those ages. We are currently taking 8 and 10 year olds.”
When I go for a walk with my best friend, he can’t help but stop and pet every animal he sees. He just thinks they’re so adorable!
help I’ve fallen and I can’t get up
Can I post here if i need help coming up with a pun? I’m a high school teacher and am implementing a “phone hotel”. I wanted to name it something clever. Like a name that sounds similar to a real hotel or even name it “Phone Hotel” with a clever slogan. Any ideas?
Me: Hey, can you help me with a crossword clue? I’m stuck.
Her: Sure, what is it?
Me: “Overworked postmen.”
Her: But how many letters?
Me: Too many.
Can anyone help me out? I was caught stealing hearing aids...
And given the deaf penalty
I Need help coming up with an August pun! Each month I write something nice on our calendar to my wife using the month as a pun. Can’t think of one for August! Can anyone help?
I can't help it' I like telling dad jokes
Help! I can’t stop collecting Wonder Woman action figures!
I can’t believe my police officer friend didn’t help me move
My wife always yells at me for the way I face the toilet paper, but I can’t help it.
Son, the best piece of advice I can give you is not to starve yourself. It doesn't help anything.
So I walked into doctor’s office and said “Doc can you help me out ?“
He said “Sure, which way did you come in?”
What did the horse say after it tripped? "Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”
Starbucks: How can I help you?
Dad: I’d like a tall blonde with blue eyes.
I can’t help but find myself in the HOV lane while going the the underpass...
I must have carpool-tunnels syndrome
A farmer asked me if I can help him round up 18 sheep
Me: Hey, I’m stuck on a crossword clue..”Overworked Postman”. Can you help?
Her: Ok. How many letters?
Me: Too many.
What did the horse say after it tripped? "Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”
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