HowToBasic Puns

Okay, so this is my first post, so be gentle there. It s more a funny thing my dad did to mess with us than a dad joke. Our parents explained it to us , so i don t have the dialogues here. When we were little, my brother and I of course asked my parents how do we make babies, because we wanted a little bro or sis and they did not wanted us to get one. So we asked them how babies are made. They explained to us that you need 3 things ; a mother's belly , dad's seeds and a little bit of love. That was cute, they said that daddy had to put his seeds in mummy 's belly with the love. When we asked how, they told us to guess -this is why we thought babies were made by the bellybutton, they did really had fun with us- and then, finally, we asked them why they would not make us a little brother then. My father, had this brilliant idea to mess with us, which we sometimes did not notice, as we were little. He basically told us with a huge smile accros his face :" You know what ? If you find the good seeds, we'll make you one". My mother laughed but we took it seriously. We have apparently searched for hours even going in the basement, searching in mom's gardening seeds, ripping of the labels and bringing them to the parents to ask if these were the good ones . We eventually got fed up, and never asked my parents to have a sibling again.

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

My dad is a Navy Vietnam vet who is about to be a retired GM electrical engineer. He is retiring against his will because he has had three strokes, colon cancer, a pulmonary embolism, necrotic esophagus, renal failure, pneumonia, basically a medical shitstorm and he survived it all. In the process, he has lost a lot of memory and quite a bit of his cognitive abilities and furthermore, his balance. However, when I took out the trash tonight at nearly half past ten, I couldn't help but notice how beautiful the stars looked outside tonight. So upon returning, I told my mom and dad "The stars sure are bright tonight. They look amazing." To which my dad then asked, "You know why they're so bright, right?" Now I'm an amateur astronomer. Hell, my first and only telescope was inherited to me by my mother who got it from her father. So knowing its winter and I live in Michigan, I tell my father, "Because its so cold and dry, the star light isn't blocked as much?" His reply; "No. Its because the sun went down. So now its darker outside." Dad: 1. Me: -5.

She has beautiful long black hair, flowing half way down her back...

Not on her head but half way down her back.

Her teeth are so even!

1, 3, 5, and 7 are missing.

At night I would take her into the corn field and kiss her between the ears...

One night it was extremely foggy outside and I mist.

Basically, you could tell she was a farmers daughter because it was hard to "a tractor"

Sometimes I call her (knob) because she is one to adore.

Even wrote her a song entitled "How can I love you if you never go away"

The best...

Funny collection of chemistry puns

What do you get when you mix sulfur, tungsten, and silver? SWAG

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? A one molar solution.

How do Sulfur and Oxygen communicate? A sulfone

What do you call Iron blowing in the wind? Febreeze.

Why do chemists call helium, curium, and barium the healing elements? Because if you can’t helium or curium, you barium!

Why did the noble gas cry? Because all his friends argon.

Why did the acid go to the gym? To become a buffer solution!

Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!

Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak? Because it’s in the ground state.

How many moles are in a guacamole? Avocado’s number.

If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.

What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.

Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.

What element is a girl’s future best friend? Carbon.

I had to make these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.

Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na

Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

What do you do with a dead chemists? Barium

What animal is made up of calcium, nickel and neon? A CaNiNe

What did the chemist snack on during lunch? A ‘gram’ cracker.

What would you call a clown in jail? Silicon (Silly Con)

What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron? A KNiFe.

How did carbon propose to Hydrogen? With a “carbonkneel”

What did one titration tell the other? Let’s meet at the endpoint.

How can you spot a chemist in the restroom? They wash their hands before they go.

Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.

Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na

Why do chemistry professors like to teach about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.

Did you hear about the chemist who was reading a book about helium? He just could not put it down

Why do chemistry professor like to

Basically, how do I avoid spoiling the joke? Do I have to put some kind of page break before I type the answer?

I said, "So there's this subreddit you would love, called /r/dadjokes, which is basically just full of a bunch of dad jokes."

Him: "Like what?"

Me: "Well, for example, one of the top-rated ones is this: How do you sell a deaf guy an orange?"

Him: "Sorry, can you repeat that?"

I had even started to repeat the joke before realizing that he had just made a dad joke about a dad joke.

Coworker: This is a racket. How do they justify charging an extra $3000 for something like sodium bicarbonate?

Me: Right? It's not like it's some fancy, top-secret compound. It's pretty basic.

My other coworker is a chem major about to enter grad school. He made me go work in the corner for a while after that one.

She was busy slicing the watermelon when I mentioned a YouTube video I had seen recently that talks about how you can grill it.

She asked about it and I told her how they basically cooked it like a steak.

"I guess that would make it filet MELON."

Her face got immediately red and she shook her head trying not to laugh.

So i was ask to post it here from a post in /r/screenshots/ , so i thought i'd add a story to it:

So, my father had asked me to make him a little sign up website, basic HTML format, that he could then copy and paste into a wordpress site that his Go-kart association uses. I made it, put it into a zip file, and e-mail him. I sent him a text to check his e-mail and how to use it. His response was this:

http://imgur.com/gallery/IG7mqVs

My wife was teaching her best friend how to knit. She was doing quite well but for some extra encouragement I said:

"The basics are simple enough. It's when you get into the knitty gritty that things start to unravel.

Wife and friend shake their heads, so I say "Sorry, I didn't mean for my purls of wisdom to needle you."

More groans...

"Still," I said, "at least I kept it short and sweet. I mean, I could've spun you a proper yarn."

Wife to friend: "Right, pass me that soddin' knitting needle...!"

My friend had a really interesting job. One of those jobs you didn't know people could get.

tl;dr just read it, it's worth reading the whole description of the job

Before I moved, my neighbor's job was based in Antarctica. He worked with one of the research centers there, and his job was standing up penguins. I kid you not — when shipments arrived by air, like by helicopter or by airplane or whatever, the penguins would all look up with their tiny heads and look up so high they would fall over backwards. Now, penguins are super awkward in how they waddle everywhere, and so, not wanting to disturb the local environment, the research station had to have someone that could suit up and go out there and stand up penguins.

As soon as every shipment arrived, he would say, "Welp, better go suit up now," get into the whole penguin suit, and waddle out there all incognito and stand the penguins on their feet again. I'm sure they could have done it on their own, eventually, but the idea was to disturb the animals for as little time as possible.

I thought it was the most ridiculous thing when he told me, but he got the job through his dad's researcher colleague. Basically, the deal was they would get people to go down for 3-month periods (I think he ended up doing 6 months) and this was his occupation for that time. Actually, is plane flight there was one of the really cool parts: LA went to Sydney, which then went back across the Pacific to Buenos Aires. Then, on the final leg, he would finally go Buenos Aires to the research station. The planes actually had to be specially fitted for the job, though — Of course, you can't have typical runways in Antarctica because they'd get ice all over them and there'd be all these problems — so the planes had to have mechanics on board each flight who would, mid-flight, switch out the take-off wheels for the landing skis. Just like a sea plane, except it was a snow-plane. Coolest thing ever.

Oh, but the way he described working with the penguins was the best! Most of the time he'd just go out and stand them up, but sometimes one would hurt itself. Like one time one of them fell over backwards and hit its foot the wrong way, so he had to not only pick it up, but give medical help, too. He seriously had to prop up the penguin, take off his glove, and pull on each of the penguins little webbed toes, pull on their legs. Sort of like how I'm pulling your leg right now.

Basically people ring in and complain about certain items they bought. This one guy rang in and was ranting about how disgusting his bananas were. The conversation went like this...

Him: Yea this is ridiculous, if I had've known when I bought them that they were this disgusting I'd never have got them at all

Me: Why, what exactly is wrong with them?

Him: They all black, and bruised. They look like they've been sitting on the shelves a while. They're horrible , they're just very...(3 second pause trying to think of the word to say)...very....

Me: Unapeeling?

Him: ... groan

Me: Sir?..

Call ended

Was reminded today of an old joke my dad told me when he taught me how to drive... While I was getting used to the basics, dad enjoyed pointing out lazy drivers as examples of what not to do;

(With wild excitement:) "Look son, it's a brand new model of car - the Rolls Canardly!"

"The Rolls Canardly?"

"Yeah! He rolls down a hill, then canardly get back up again!"

cue groans

I was out at dinner with my parents a few nights ago, though I'm only getting around to posting this now. For some background, my mom is basically the nicest person in the universe, but my dad, brother and I are all capable of being assholes on a whim as long as we think it would be funny. This came up in conversation, and we got the following exchange:

Mom: I don't understand how you can be so rude when you live with me.
Me: You're too nice. We have to balance you out.
Dad: We're regressing toward the mean.

It actually wasn't all that bad at first. He didn't over-enunciate "mean" or anything. It really only became a true groaner once he added the ultimate joke killer:

"Get it?"

So I brought in kolaches to the office this morning for breakfast. For those that don't know, they're basically bread rolls filled with egg, cheese and whatever else you want. One of my coworkers started talking about how they reminded him of some kind of cake "with M&Ms in it."

Except English isn't his first language, so he was saying it a little weird.

Him: "You can't bake a cake with M&M in it."

Me: "'Cause you'd kill him."

There was absolutely no reaction whatsoever, so I can't tell if people were just ignoring my awful joke or if just nobody heard me.

So basically I live with 5 white roommates and I'm Indian. They're all graduating this year and I still got a year left. Next year I'm living with a couple of my town friends. And tonight we were having our last dinner together.

We made pizza, then had ice cream cake and brownies. My roommates then turn to me saying how "next year will be boring for you, do you think you guys will ever make brownies?" To which I quickly said "no, but we'll have a couple brownies in the rooms"

I've never felt like a dad, but this is the closest.