Hitting time Puns

Some would say he worked a McDouble.

His name was Sensei Tiv.

Until one day, when I finally understood.

He doesn’t even know who Lightning McQueen is.

He had multiple tractors on his farm, tractor posters on his walls, watched documentaries about tractors, in short, his house was full of tractor paraphernalia.

One day, the Bob's wife, Mary was taking a stroll out in the fields, just where he happened to be riding one of his tractors. Bob was gunning it up and down the fields, having a blast. But then he started driving in the direction of his wife. Despite her screams, Bob couldnt hear Mary over the loud engine of his tractor, and ended up unfortunately running her over.

After this, Bob felt guilty about killing his wife. He sold all of his tractors, he took down all of his posters, and threw away all of his tractor merch. He sold his farm and bought a new house in the suburbs to further distance himself from tractors.

After a few years, Bob felt it was time to start dating again, so he started going to his local coffee shop, hoping to find a new girlfriend. Bob was pleased to find the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, so he introduced himself, and they really hit it off. They started going on dates and got to know each other better.

After a few years of dating, Bob felt it was time to propose, so he prepared a beautiful date in the fanciest restaurant in the city. They had a lovely dinner and before they ordered dessert, he decided it was time to propose. But as Bob got the ring box out of his pocket he dropped it, and bending over to pick it up, he knocked his head on the table, knocking a candle over. The candle set fire to the tablecloth and quickly spread to the carpet.

A waiter quickly came up and poured a big jug of water onto the fire in order to put it out, but this caused a plume of smoke to come up, filling the restaurant. Everyone was choking and coughing, so Bob takes a deep breath, sucking in all of the smoke, and runs out of the restaurant. He pokes his head out the door and breathes out, all of the smoke flying away outside. His date is amazed and asked "Wow! how did you do that?"

Bob laughed and said "It's quite simple, I'm an Ex-Tractor Fan"

I take it with a grain assault.

I guess he's giving up cold turkey

North Polish

I'm the victim of a Hansenware attack.

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

Their biggest hit was the wall!🤣

first im not sure where to post this story but this is true and ive been cracking up ever since my daughter told me that happened.

So my daughter is 23 now. When she was 18 & im dropping her off at college, i told her that "anytime a guy approachs you and youre not in the mood to be hit on just tell the guy you have herpes or whatever and hopefully he'll stop & go away, if he doesnt...then, well ya know...you leave as safely as u can." i thought it was harmless kinda funny advice. So last night, when she's picking up her dog (cause i said id puppysit while she went to the football game), I said something to the effect of the dog needing a slow feed bowl and she rolled her eyes and told me shes not taking advice from me after the "herpe talk". i said "what? what herpe talk?" and she reminded me of that advice i offered when she was an 18 year old college freshmen and then told me thats why she doesnt have a bf. i chuckled and started asking, "have u ever said that? what happened? how many times have you told a guy that?" she continued to tell me that she went to a few frat/soriety get togethers with her girlfriends and maybe used that line 6-7 times. i lost it laughing and said "you know those 6-7 guys told at least 3-4 people each and so on." she goes "No shit Dad. because of you i cant find a date cause everyone thinks i have herpes." anyways, i thought this was too funny to not share, plus it worked cause i get to puppysit versus grandbabysit.

Now it's a receding hair line.

It was well orca-strated

Chris Rock sets up the joke and Will Smith delivers the punchline

“Not good at counting”

He was in a fowl mood.

After that, his life was aimless.

You hit Rock bottom

Then it hit me.

girlfriends cat ate about 5" of the string to tie off one of her dresses, it was partway out of the cats rear end when she got home from work- saw it- called vet- was told to take her to the local animal hospital.

So we get there and shes explaining to the receptionist what happened, I dropped them with a "we're just in knots about it", and during the wait with a "sophia's (the cat) really stringing us along with this one". My favorite was with the doctor when she finally brought the cat out saying she seems ok to take home- "well all set then? no strings attached?"

Because it’s in tents.

"Let the music PAY"

Five :)

But I think they’re full of baloney.

Look, grandpa! No hands!

No way. I won’t Cher.

Put a cape on them.

I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.

You hear about the guy who was hit in the head with a seed pod? He went to the doctor.

Doctor: How do you feel?

Patient: I feel ok. But at the time it hurt like a son of a birch.

4 y/o: "Knock knock"

Me: "Who's there?"

4 y/o: "Interrupting cow goes"

Me: "Interrupting cow go-"

4 y/o: "MOOOOOOOO!"

He was okay, it was light beer.

This has got to be one of my favorite subs to browse. I have been trying to do a Dad Joke a Day at my office but am having a tough time picking office appropriate jokes. Hit me with your best ones!

Bonus points for any IT related jokes.

She doesn’t strike me as the funny type.

Bug Splatters

Dad- "You know what the last thing that went through that bug's head when he hit the windshield?"

Me- "No dad, what?"

Dad- "His ass!"

Gets em every time

"Bet he doesn't have the guts to do that again!"

"Do you know what the last thing that went through that bug's mind was?"
"What, Dad?"
"Its Ass!"

This is always followed by my dad almost laughing us into a head-on crash.

Luckily it was a soft drink

"It's like you have no time on your hands anymore!"

By one-liner I mean something along the lines of “let’s make like an Autobot and roll out” or “put an egg in your shoe and beat it”

Dad: Do you want a sandwich?

Me: No thanks, I don't really feel like a sandwich.

Dad: pokes arm Yeah, you're right.

God damn it!

"Bet he doesn't have the guts to do that again!"

That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.

..but insurance paid for it.

Co-worker thought just thought I meant I didn't go to the gym since last year :( ... story of my dad jokes.

I said, “Where did that come from?”

Edit: Thanks for the love. I’m right speechless.