Wow hi I've met my people on this subreddit
What is green and says, “Hi, I’m a frog”?
Computer: choose a password. Me: hi-hat
Computer: password cannot contain symbols
Minotaur: Hi! Welcome to my labyrinth.
Allow me to give you a mino-taur.
A horse walks into a bar and sits at a stool near the bartender. The bartender goes "Hi Horse, what can I get for you today?"
The horse looks at the bartender and says "Hey"
5YO: "Dad, I'm hungry AND DON'T SAY HI HUNGRY I'M DAD"
Me: "wow ... that's a very long name, hungryAndDon'tSayHiHungryI'mDad"
2018: « Yo, dude, get woke. » 2019: « C'me on, get woke, it's 2019 ! » 2020: «... Hi. Well you could get e-woke I guess. »
Daughters boyfriend introduced himself to me he said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said "then why are you shaking?"
I always say "hi tired, I'm dad", but I got one upped tonight.
I said my goodnights but in return I got "Are you a broom?"
"I'm sorry, what?"
"You look sweepy"
My son told me he was hungry (not a "Hi Hungry I'm dad." joke)
Me: "You want me to make you a sandwich?"
Son: "Ummm ... sure."
Me: grabs two slices of bread and puts his hand in between them "There, you're a hand sandwich."
I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home all the signs were there
Oh hi Mark
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
Hi! What do you call a physically fit grains farmer?
My friend claims the he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
My wife looked at my son (7) yesterday and told him his shoes were on the wrong feet
Without missing a beat he said "They can't be, these are the only feet I have"
Proud dad moment!
Son : "Hi Dad. I'm hungry", I am prepared for what he has to say.
Dad : let's order some food.
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?
Nothing, it's on the house.
A buddy of mine named his dog “5 Miles” so he could tell people he walked 5 miles
But today he ran over 5 Miles
My three year old said to me, "I'm three years old." I replied, "Hi Three Years Old, I'm Dad."
He retorted, "Don't call me Three Years Old I'm Dad."
I have never been more proud.
Hi a huge metal fan, I'm dad
How does a military dad alert his son that a hot lady is nearby?
I started pulling the "Hi hungry, I'm dad" routine with my two-year-old. A couple days in, I asked her if she was hungry.
She just laughs and says, "Silly Daddy, I'm not hungry, I'm Nona." I didn't expect to be a grandfather so soon...
While doing a crossword, the cyclops asked his wife, "How do you spell Hawaii?" Glancing at what he wrote, she replied, "You need two i’s."
Cyclops growled, "My life is just a big joke to you, isn’t it!?"
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender asks, "Hey, what's with the paper towel?"
The pirate says, "Argh, I've got a Bounty on me head!"
My brother had to quit his job as a weightlifter because he wasn't strong enough.
He handed in his too weak notice yesterday.
Because of his enormous debt, Old McDonald has to sell his farm.
To cover what he e-i-e-i owes.
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type
As he died, he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard without him.
Dad to his son; “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?”
Son; “Go on, then.”
Dad growls; “NOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
Son; “That’s Superman.”
Dad; “Thanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
What does a presidential candidate who cant get his votes up suffer from?
Hi, I’m an identity thief
My pronouns are you/yours
What did the chemist say when he dropped a bar of gold on his foot?
A German boy pushes his brother off a cliff.
What did the baby say when he saw his food in front of him?
Purée!!!
(I literally just came up with this and am a new dad. Please be gentle)
Hi, I'm Poseidon. Just had to share this. I'm so proud of my boy. He's already working on his Christmas cards for this year, and I walked by and noticed what he was writing in each one.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
Hi honey I'm pregnant. Hi pregnant, I'm dad.
I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing stuff from his highway maintenance job.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
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