Dude 2: Brochure
The other responded "Four shore!"
Me: Bro, sure
In a pub will one man start to scream on other man : "hey dude i fucked your Mother" Whole pub get silent and waits for reaction of the other man, but he is silent Man screams again : "Hey! I fucked your Mother" The other man is still in silent... The man screams again even more loud: " Do you hear me you idiot? I fucked your Mother" The second man finally answer with calm voice "Please dad, go home, you are too drunk"
I interrupted him and said “I already read it before”
He said, ” Do you mean, You’ve been on reddit before?”
I replied, “No I mean I’ve read it before.”
My friend said, “ Dude with that grammar I doubt you’ve read anything before.”
I protested, “ Hey, I’ve read IT”
One of the guys pulls out this really, really long lighter. And his friend says, "Hey, that's a cool lighter. Where'd you get it?" He says, "Oh, I've got this magic genie in a lamp. You know, rub the lamp, get a wish." Friend goes, "Well shit, man! Don't hold out! I want a wish!" "Okay, man, but I have to warn you.. This genie is *really* old.." "All right, whatever, just give me a wish." So he rubs the lamp, the genie comes out, and grants him a wish. He says, "I want a million bucks!" "Your wish is granted," says the genie, he disappears into the lamp, and suddenly a million *ducks* descend upon this lake. The guy is baffled and says, "Hey, what's the deal? I asked for a million *bucks*, not a million *ducks*.." His friend replies, "Dude, you think I asked for a 12-inch *Bic*?"
He walks up to a zebra and says, "hey zebra, guess what? I'm a tiger." The zebra rolls it's eyes and the lion walks away. Next, the lion sees a giraffe and says, "hey giraffe, guess what? I'm a tiger." The giraffe scoffs and turns away. Finally, the lion walks up to a chimpanzee and says, "yo chimp, guess what? I'm a tiger..."
The chimp looks right back and the lion and says, "dude, will you quit lyin'..."
We went to get some food at Taco Cabana this evening. My son is waiting in the car because "Dad, I'm wearing a white t-shirt" (OK then, kiddo).
Order takes a while. After 15 minutes he texts me.
Son: "Dude where r u".
Me: "Sorry, still waiting for the food".
Me: "Hey they are renaming the restaurant!"
Son: "Yeah?"
Me: "Taco Slowbana"
Son: ...
I work at an airport. I had been fueling for a bit when a local flight instructor came in asking for fuel right as I sat down for breakfast.
"Hey man. Can I get some fuel for my plane?"
"Dude, you saw me just sit down to eat my clementine," I said jokingly.
"What, do you have a special break for eating those things?"
To which I replied, "Yeah, I call it clementime."
Needless to say, my girlfriend is probably leaving me for that one.
"Hey dude, are you alright?"
'Yeah, why?'
"Well most people are half left"
I was almost beat, and then I shot back 'What happened to the first half?'
For a moment I won. 3 seconds later, with the biggest smile on his face, he says "Oh, its alright"
I saw a friend of mine said, "You know my uncle Charlie? Well, he's in the hospital. Some dude robbed him and he got knifed!"
I said, "Damn! That's forking terrible!"
He said, "Hey! It's too spoon to say that!"
I was passing through the halls of my workplace past the storage room when a guy from finance comes out with a cart full of paper. He said to me,
Him: "Hey Tim."
Me: "Hey, how's it going?"
Him: "I'm good," he motions to his paper filled cart, "just pushing paper.."
I got a good chuckle out of that. That dude always has the jokes.
So, I'm at the counter in a liquor store, where I see that the cashier is wearing a mock Sons of Anarchy shirt that says, "Sloths of Anarchy" and has a sloth as the logo. As he's ringing me up, I'm trying to think of the perfect way to compliment his shirt. AHA! THIS WILL BE PERFECT
He hands me my receipt and I say, "Hey man, I like the shirt" falling for my trap he replies, "Oh thanks dude, do you watch the show?" My genius reply:
"Yeah I did, but it was kinda slow"
He doesn't even notice and continues to ask if I watched the whole thing. Maybe the world isn't ready for my dad jokes.
Was complaining to a newly married buddy about how a couple of other dudes were using fairly cheap equipment for a particular job when he starts going on the defensive-
"Hey! Some people can only afford the goodwill stuff."
"I guess.."
"You can get some nice deals there. You hear about the sale at the farewell store?"
"No..?"
"There were a lot of good buys."
-____-
Roommate: "Hey dude check this out I got this bag made of camel leather." Me: "Wow, really? Can the thing store extra bottles of water?"
me: "hey, what do you call a werewolf when he's in his human form?"
him: "...dude, i dunno, what"
me: "a waswolf"
him
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Dude 2: Yeah, bro? Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet? Dude 2: Brochure.
“For you, Bro? Sure.”
Dude 1: Hey Bro? Dude 2: Yeah Bro? Dude1: Can you pass my that pamphlet? Dude2: Brochure
Dude 1: Hey, bro? Dude 2: yeah bro? Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet? Dude 2: Brochure
