While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said “She obviously has COVID!” “Why would you think that?” I asked.
“Because she has no taste.”
Interesting fact, Bruce Lee has a vegan brother
Elton John has bought his pet rabbit a treadmill
A man has been found guilty of using too many commas.
The judge told him to expect a long sentence.
You are lost in winter but find a cabin. You find it has a fireplace, a kerosene lamp and a stove, but you only have one match. What item in the cabin do you light first?
What's green, has 4 legs, and could kill you if it fell out of a tree?
Did you know Hannibal Lecter has a brother who’s even more evil and sadistic?
His name is Bilka... Bilka Lecter.
A man has been stealing wheels of police cars.
The police is working tirelessly to catch him.
What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it
What do you call it when someone bellow the age of 18 has a problem
Captain Kirks wife has just opened a new lingerie shop.
Its called Shatner Knickers.
I guess you can see he has a lot of horsepower
It’s a sad day but my kitchenaid mixer motor has finally died. I couldn’t whisk for a batter friend.
The Nordic music store has a category just for Mortal Kombat.
Which side of a dog has the most hair/fur?
What do you call a president that has to do a lot of laundry?
My English teacher has a weird last name so we should just call him Matthew
It doesn't fit him though so we've agreed to call him Englishew
Did you know Danny DeVito has a cousin from the old west?
All this stress lately has me trying new things. For example, I've discovered that brake fluid is actually delicious. I'm up to a case a day, but there's no need to worry about me.
What has four eyes and a peepee?
>!Mississippi.!<
This joke doesn't work as well in writing.
A guy has a rough day and stops at Dick’s Place...
...he tells the owner and bartender that he’s a surgeon down at the hospital and he just wants to forget about everything for awhile.
Dick knows just the thing. He quickly whips up a thick, exotic beverage and places it in front of the worn out doctor. He takes one sip and his eyes light up. “What IS that?” “That’s my signature almond daiquiri”, Dick tells him. The surgeon tells him it’s delicious, pays his bill and comes back the next day and the next day at the same time for the same thing: An almond daiquiri.
Before long, like clockwork, Dick is able to have it ready for him just before he comes in. But, one day as he is preparing the drink, he realizes that he’s run out of almonds! With no time to lose, he quickly substitutes the almonds with hickory nuts and sets the beverage on the bar.
The surgeon pops in, takes a big gulp, and immediately spits it all over the bar. He looks at the bartender and says, “That’s not an almond daiquiri, Dick!” And Dick says, “No, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”.
My granddad has the heart of a lion
and a lifetime ban from London zoo.
Is everyone here as tired as I am of the quiet Hawaiian a low ha joke?
If only that joke wasn't aloud.
Here’s a little early access to a pun I made. I’m not sure if this joke has been said before but I hope not. I love making up puns
What do you call a wizard that walks everywhere barefoot, has poor bone density, and bad breath ?
Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
A powerplant worker has a hook and rod submerged into a reactor. Coworker passes by:
What do you call a rapper who has no umbrella?
What's six inches long, has a bald head and every woman loves?
A hundred dollar bill.
This is my dad's favorite joke.
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’
👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
A man has no body and no nose. Who is he?
What do you say to a small onion that has helped you?
What do you call a person who thinks he or she has not earned enough money?
A man goes to a beekeeper and asks for 12 bees. He counts, and sees he has been given 13....
“Sir, you gave me an extra!” he says. The beekeeper replies “Oh, that’s a freebie”
What has a bottom on the top ?
What do you call a NASA employee that has never reached space?
My left knee has never committed a crime.
I can’t say the same for his felony.
I know Reddit has servers that all of our jokes are stored in, but I’ve come up with a better solution
Did you know Cardi-B has a sister?
She's an athletic trainer
Her name is Cardi-O
What do you call it when a chef has you choose between 2 tomatoes?
My wife has changed dramatically since becoming a vegan.
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
My wife has bought herself a Smart car....
Did you know Bruce Lee has a vegan brother?
A man has been stealing wheels off police cars
The police are working tirelessly to catch him
Elton John has bought a treadmill for his rabbit.....
A man has been stealing police car tires
The police are working tirelessly to catch him
Elton John has brought a treadmill for his pet rabbit
It's a little fit bunny...
A powerplant worker has a hook and rod submerged into a reactor. Coworker passes by:
My dad has a heart of a lion!
And a lifetime ban from the zoo
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