HM Puns

They ran out of paper towels.

Nah, Imma stay (namaste)

Post LL and PSN. We are attempting checkpoint but it's not a deal breaker if we can't get it

Now that’s deep.

Biased

Because of all the fans.

Hm. This might be funnier after social distancing measures are safely eased.

They make up everything!

"Play Alexspacito."

“Hm, that’s a good question, son. I think I have an idea.”

“Okay, dad. What is it?”

“You should post a story about an old man tying balloons to his house to fly away and a Boy Scout joining him as they float down to South America.”

“Why would I post that, dad?”

“Because then when people like it, you’ll get a lot of Up votes.”

My dad responded: "We could all be getting viruses from our computers right now."

Wife: Well, I guess we should go to a baby doctor.

Me: Hm.. I think I’d be a lot more comfortable going to an adult doctor.

Me: hm I thought I was 5:30 My husband: it was just for a minute.

Coworker (reading an article online): "Hm a 'List of Baby Names with an Edge'"

Me: "You mean like Cliff?"

Nobody laughed.

and says, “Give me two scoops of chocolate.”

The guy behind the counter says, “I’m sorry sir, we’re out of chocolate.”

The man replies with, “well, in that case...hm... give me two scoops of chocolate.”

The guy behind the counter says, “Sir, I’m sorry but we’re out of chocolate.”

The man, thinking hard this time says, “Well, I want two scoops of chocolate.”

The guy behind the counter, now irate, says, “Sir, can you spell the straw in strawberry?”

“S-T-R-A-W”

“Can you spell the van in vanilla?”

“V-A-N”

“Can you spell the fuck in chocolate?”

The man thinks for a second and says, “There is no ‘fuck’ in chocolate.”

The guy behind the counter slaps the countertop with his hand and says, “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! There is no fuckin’ chocolate.”

As my family was driving to a restaurant, my mom pointed out a cool looking Audi car.
My dad: "Hm, I wonder when they will make innies?"
Needless to say, there was much "uhg"-ing on this night.

An entrepeneuter!

That's the last time i order from oedipal arrangements!

"Did you know that no one living on this street is allowed to be buried here?"

"Hm, no.. why not?"

"It's illegal to bury the living, honey."

My mom and dad were talking about my great uncle, who has cataracts.

My mom: "He has cataracts but he's working on getting them removed"

Dad: "Well maybe he could find a nice Toyota after he sells those cataracts."

(Cadillacs)

Dad: Hey, where did you get your haircut? Me: Uh, I think it was a Supercuts. Dad: Hm, that's weird. I usually get mine on my head.

So we were coming back from a mountain biking trip and we passed a sign that said "Coda." Both of us being musicians I said, "Hm, looks like we're gonna have to go back there when we get home."

If you don't get it in some musical pieces the composer will put in a coda. They could put in a DS al coda or DC al coda which means either go back to the beginning or a weird s marking, play to the word coda then skip to the coda symbol and play to the end.

Him: My test results came in. The tumors in my lungs and back haven't spread and have begun shrinking thanks to the treatment.

Me: That's wonderful!!!

Him: They're still there but at least they haven't increased by one and become tremors.

Me: Hm? I don't ge......oh goddammit.

My dad everyone. Even when battling cancer, there's still time to make a joke.

Knock knock jokes:

http://i.imgur.com/FbhaoJR.png

http://i.imgur.com/lV4fkX5.png

http://i.imgur.com/KhMJWE1.png

http://i.imgur.com/u5bGCKl.png

http://i.imgur.com/WV0ozHa.png

http://i.imgur.com/bnbQwMh.png

Regular jokes:

http://i.imgur.com/FSpBRve.png

http://i.imgur.com/BimhVEg.png

http://i.imgur.com/hmT1VXU.png

http://i.imgur.com/mOtfMsH.png

http://i.imgur.com/qHmY3BG.png

http://i.imgur.com/fc3M93G.png

http://i.imgur.com/IGErA97.png

http://i.imgur.com/DCN90VQ.png

http://i.imgur.com/zG5hetR.png

http://i.imgur.com/Ff1x8Zm.png

http://i.imgur.com/tUKALrn.png

http://i.imgur.com/0Coe17Y.png

http://i.imgur.com/S7gltN7.png

http://i.imgur.com/Pjs3xjN.png

http://i.imgur.com/VPnE7bJ.png

Saw an edition of reader's digest.

Me: Hm. How you can outsmart diabetes.

Buddy: ... it's learning!

Driving down a steep hill with my dad.

he reads out loud a sign that says "WATCH DOWNHILL SPEED"

"hm.. i've never heard of that show."

Dad: Where'd they break?

Me: Right here.

Dad: Hm, I think you should take them to Doctor Dre.

God damnit Dad

Scene: We had just gone hiking and I was in the car checking myself for ticks. I found one and threw it out the window.

Dad: Hey, stop litter bugging.

Me: What? I'm not!

Dad: Hm, you're right. You're bug littering!