Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross, but they were actually pretty good! Turns out...

...that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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My favorite from childhood. Still use it today, gonna use it to gross out my kids later.

Dad lets out a huge burp

Me: "Dad, gross."

Dad: "Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it?"

Me: ...

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UnknownSense
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2013
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My annoying little brother asks me which bug grosses me out this ants or those ticks...

I replied I am really getting tired of your ant ticks.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darthbaum
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
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Itsy Bitsy Spider β€” Dad version

Use this nursery rhyme to play "scary/gross monster" with your tyke:

"The itsy bitsy spider climbed into Mia's mouth
Down to her ears and crawling in and out!
Out through her nose and tickled with her legs,
She made Mia sneeze her brains to scrambled eggs!

achoo splat bleah"

Substitute $name for Mia.

Spider hand chases while Dad reclines on bed. Tyke busily baits and counterattacks.

I dunno whether this qualifies as a Dad joke, but my wife hated it until she saw how much my daughter liked it. I feel like that fits the spirit of Dadness. For maximum results, send your wife the poem first.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeoLittlebook
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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My 14 y/o stepdaughter is a dad...

(This just transpired: I got sweaty cleaning out my shower and walked into the hall to cool off.)

Me to my SO: Shower is clean.

SO: oh good. Ew. You're gross

Me: yeah. I'm sweating.

14 y/o from down the hall in her room while painting her nails yells: "HI SWEATING!"

(I'm so proud)

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRagingWood
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
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We were on a road trip and stopped to fill up

Everyone got out to pee and get snacks. I stretched getting out of the car and I farted. My 16yo daughter said, "Dad, that's gross."

I said, "Why? After all we are at the GAS station."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hoetted
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
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Dealing with some shit

I live on a sail boat and started what I thought would be a small project. I wanted to ensure that my toilet plumbing was working correctly before having a guest over so I turned on my macerator and began pumping clear water through the system to clean the toilet and clear the system completely. For those that don’t know, a macerator is basically a garbage disposal like you would have in your kitchen sink buttttt for your poop. It cuts up your poop and toilet paper so that it can be discarded over board in smaller pieces. Of course the pump wasn’t working correctly so I detached some plumbing, looked into the macerator motor and got way more into it than I had planned for. My guest was on her way and I didn’t want to necessarily tell her what I was dealing with because I didn’t want to gross her out. When she showed up I was just putting stuff away and had finished the project. Of course she asked what I was working on, I proclaim β€œ oh I just needed to deal with some shit” and left it at that.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lzrdkng421
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2018
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Dad joke to lighten up grocery shopping

I was grocery shopping with my roommates and one was picking out a dozen eggs.

Friend: "ahh gross. Look at this."

He pulls out his hand from a carton and is covered in egg.

Me: "I guess the chicken does come first."

I had to walk into the next isle to stop laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ted_Schmosbyy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2015
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A joke from my dad a few years ago

We were out on the lake a few years ago. I had for a Coke and after about an hour it got watered-down, i said "my drink is watered-down its gross" and my dad "yuck mine is too, it's worse, taste it" and he handed me a cup of water. It was a good one.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/diphiminaids
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2016
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I asked my wife if she wanted lozenges in her granola

She looked at me kind of grossed out and I told her: everyone loves Halls and Oats

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nerd_of_gods
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2016
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Toilet Paper

Girlfriend: "How are we almost out of paper towels?"

Me: "You use way too many of them. It'd take me a month to use a roll by myself."

Girlfriend: "That's gross. I bet you think toilet paper would last that long too."

Me: "Of course."

Girlfriend: "You're so full of shit."

Me: "You're right I'd still go through a lot of toilet paper. You know why?"

Girlfriend: "Why?"

Me: "Because I'm full of shit!"

Girlfriend: Groan and eye roll

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tee142002
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2017
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My son struck dad joke gold, caught us both by surprise

My son is 14 but he still picks his nose. A lot. He also eats it after. A lot. Grosses me out to the extreme, so I rib him about it hoping he'll stop, even using bribery, but no progress yet.

A couple of nights ago I saw him doing it again out of the corner of my eye, then he suddenly got up and ran into the kitchen for a napkin. Yup, bloody nose, no surprise there.

"Find what you were digging for?" I asked him.

"No," he says. "I was digging for gold but struck oil."

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/akambe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2015
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Dad-joked my Dad:

I was talking to my dad about my brothers new wage, when out of nowhere:

Dad: Β£50 a day, 3 days a week he's being paid.

Me: So he's currently earning just under Β£8000 a year?

Dad: Yes, but that's gross. ...

Me: I'd say its pretty great actually!

16 years has built up to this.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/headlesslouis
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2015
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It looks like water...

My dad, my brother, and I are out for dinner at the local burger joint. My brother is sipping on his cup of water when he sneezes. "Gross, I think I got boogers in my drink" Dad, without missing a beat: "Well I wouldn't drink that. It looks like water, but it'snot."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Power_Snatch
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2016
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At the winery...

My wife and I are at the winery with my parents and the guy pouring samples is just flirting with all of the women, including my mom and wife, and telling dirty jokes, which is no big deal, but I don't really appreciate him calling wine "panty dropper" when he pours it for my mom. That kind of weird stuff, y'know?

Then he tells a story that he has an identical twin brother, and when they were infants, people would always ask his mother how she tells the two of them apart.

"I can tell them apart by their balls,"

And we're all like, "Jesus, enough with the gross out humor already," but he finishes the joke; "One of the babies bawls all day, the other bawls all night,"

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elbr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2014
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Dad joked my dad.

So I was eating dinner with my family, including my dad who is from Belgium, and I let out a fairly loud burp. My dad said, "that's gross," and I replied, "Hey, it wasn't a full burp; I'm only half-belchin'!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsTimeToRambleOn
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2015
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My girlfriend hates olives.

We are sitting at a bar and I'm eating the olive out of my cocktail. I try to get her to try it but she says, "I've tried too many and they are all gross!"

Response, "So... you have tried olive them?"

I win.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Intrik
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2014
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