My grandma's got something that helps her meet new people ALL the time.
I had this friend that always wanted to get spicy foods. Whenever we went out, we had to go eat Indian, Thai or Mexican. And every time I got the runs that got me stuck in the toilet for hours.
With friends like that, who needs enemas?
My cousin was telling me about a time she got punched in the boob as a kid.
Me: Sounds rough... I'm sorry you have some bad mammaries from back then.
I got a new part time job at the chess piece factory that I’m really excited about
I’m on knights all next week
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
My dad was telling me about the time he got stuck in a blizzard for 4 days with his dog sledding team. He ended up having to eat one of the dogs. I asked him if it was any good...
My dad got WhatsApp for the first time the other day
His first message to our family group chat was “WhatsApp-ening”
(Sorry if it’s bad it’s my first)
My first 2 weeks on the job, every time I got up from my desk I hit my head on the cabinets above me. I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong
Until one day, when I finally understood.
Two trucks pulled up to a scale at the same time. The driver on the right got to go first.
He had the right of weigh.
I just read about the time Martin Luther got food poisoning.
Did you hear about the carpenter that got a hole-in-one the first time he ever golfed?
Anyone got the time?
6:30 is the best time on a clock... hands down!
My wife got tired of me rearranging the bedroom all the time, so today I came home to her rearranging the dining room.
Oh how the tables have turned
The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself,
"This changes everything"
I was drinking a light beer when I suddenly got the urge to try a Blue Ribbon beer. I had the worst hangover... this is the 2nd time I've done this with the same result! The saying is true...
Those who cannot remember the Pabst are doomed to repeat it.
I got my wife a copy of the Pixar movie Up when it came out a long time ago, but she dropped it while opening it. She dropped it so many times over the years that the box is very damaged and the disc is no longer playable. Her other movies are perfectly fine, but not this one.
She did not hold Up well.
No joke. Today was the first time my almost 2yo got her dad with a 'no, yes, oh!' Out of nowhere
I have never seen my husband so proud.
I think this is the only subreddit that understands 😅
I said to my daughter, ”It’s time for bed, the cows are asleep in the field”. She asked ”what’s that got to do with anything’?
I said “It’s pasture bedtime”.
When I was a baby I slept all the time but I slept less and less as I got older....
...I didn't want to be accused of kidnapping.
My buddy got to the Nissan dealership just in time to buy his truck during a sales event.
It was the Final Frontier
My dad was an organ player at basketball games, one time something got stuck on the organ and it made such a loud sound he sadly died.
The death was listed as “organ failure”
One time I got in a fight with a guy named Lance. He had a twin brother named Lee. I punched Lance in the face, not realizing it was his brother who I had punched.
I said "I thought you were Lance, I apologize sinceyourelee".
We got a new microwave at work. After heating my food for the first time in the new microwave I go to my colleagues and say to them "I just cut my fingers on the new microwave!"
They all startled "what happened?"
I reply "it's Sharp!"
They murmured something and left the room...
Did I tell you about the time when I got attacked by 6 dwarves?
Depressed = not pressed (sorry if that ruined the joke but last time I posted this nobody got it)
I got to pour cement for the first time today.
The results were pretty concrete.
I tried to quell a disagreement between me and my girlfriend in the shopping mall. But by the time we got to the second level we were shouting at each other.
In retrospect we shouldn’t have been on that escalator.
i remember the first time i got stabbed with a balisong
i had butterflies in my stomach
I got my hair cut last week. I thought it was too short at the time...
... But now it's growing on me.
LIFE RANT: yesterday was the first day I’ve been outside my house since coronavirus started, I just wanted to get some Jimmy Johns. It’s been 3 months, I ordered a #16 Club Lulu, something seemed off but by the time I got to the car I realized...
Got told this one is scouts a long time ago. If you’re Russian when you’re walking in the bathroom and German when you come out, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says to this guy. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.” “Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?” “Ten…” the doctor says slowly.
“Nine... eight… seven...”
Back in the 90s, i spent time on the set of Baywatch messing with a character named Mitch Buchannon. I got pulled off the set and arrested the same night.
Turns out it's illegal to Hasslehoff.
My wife always complains about the gifts I buy for her. This time I got her a Tourette’s alarm clock.
She is in for a rude awakening.
I was in a cab one time and got curious. I asked the cabbie if he liked his job. He said, “Oh sure. I’m out of the house, away from my nagging wife and I don’t have anyone telling me what to do.”
I told him, “Turn right at the next corner.”
So I got dad joked for the first time today... I'm speechless
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?" She laughed and said...
"No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
The first time I got a universal remote control...
I thought to myself, "This changes everything"
The first time I got a universal remote control
I thought to myself, "This changes everything!"
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
The first time I got a universal remote controller, I thought to myself...
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