I used to be able to go to the store with only a quarter and come back with a carton of milk, but now I have to pay five whole dollars.

Some people blame inflation, but personally, I blame the security cameras.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wimpykidfan37
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2022
🚨︎ report
A herd of butterflies just laid eggs in front of my house! Obviously, I can't go out now...

The floor is larva

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourDadHatesYou
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2022
🚨︎ report
I went to my childhood home to ask if I can look inside to see what's it's like now, but the owners told me to go away.

My parents are so rude to me.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Remember when you could go to gas stations and put air in your tires for free? Now it’s $1.75! You know why?

Inflation.

πŸ‘︎ 254
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eternalrefuge86
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
And now for some β€œin-depth” coverage, let’s go live to our reporter.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Now where do I go from here?
πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Troyer112
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
The psychic I go to can predict what's going to happen two years from now.

He's got 2020 vision.

πŸ‘︎ 276
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πŸ‘€︎ u/this_is_grand
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Plant-based meats are very popular now, but this didn't go well for vampires.

Thousands have died from a wooden steak.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/azwarners
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Daughter just asked, "Dad, do you know what you would be if you tried to go to the north pole right now?"

An ice pop.

The dad joke is strong with this 8 year old.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Baikal2002
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
🚨︎ report
"I’m pretty tired… I think I’ll go home now."
πŸ‘︎ 239
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πŸ‘€︎ u/megabits
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife and I used to go for walks but, now that she's in a wheelchair,

we go for a stROLL.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wodaji
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Now that the cat's out of the bag, let's go find him.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Creator8888
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2018
🚨︎ report
"Daaad, can we please go now? I'm thirsty!"

"***HI THIRSTY, I'M FRIDAY, COME ON OVER SATURDAY AND WE'LL HAVE A SUNDAE!!***"

Come on dad I didn't even get that one until I was like 14.

πŸ‘︎ 307
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ancel3
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad: "Go to your room, now!"

Son: "Jim Morrison was overrated!"

Dad: "What did I tell you about slamming The Doors!?"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AkumaXshoguN
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Put on a mask, go outside next to a bank, now caress it.

Congratulations you just rub a bank.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to go air up my car tires so I got out 75 cents but it turns out its a dollar now

I guess the air compressor market is experiencing a bit of inflation.....

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dumasymptote
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
🚨︎ report
My boss only allows bathroom breaks at designated times, and it is my turn to go now.

I don’t need this shit.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
🚨︎ report
For years I've been doing drugs rather than studying geography, and now I'm gonna go cold tunisia.
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
🚨︎ report
"Good night, no more games, go to sleep now" I say. "But Daddy..." my daughter says...

"And don't call me Buttdaddy! It's disrespectful!" I reply.

πŸ‘︎ 114
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dcb720
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2014
🚨︎ report
After a long trip back home, my mother announced β€œIf anyone has to go to the restroom, go now.” And I continued:

β€œOr forever hold your pee!”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Liqqa
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Kids, you better go to the restroom now

or forever hold your pees.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nateorade
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife is due with our first baby any time now and she made a poll to have the family guess when she would go into labor. Hilarity ensued.
πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pyramids_of_Gold
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2017
🚨︎ report
I have a backpack that lets me drink water while I hike. I've been debating returning it, but decided to give it another go. Yesterday I put a new straw in it, and now the straw is completely stuck and the backpack is unusable. I'm definitely returning it now.

It was the straw that broke the CamelBak.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OPs_Mom_and_Dad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2017
🚨︎ report
I'm Pretty Tired. I Think I'll Go Home Now.
πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Svrdhd
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2013
🚨︎ report
Me: Dad, I'm going to go take a shower now.

Dad: Make sure to put it back when you're done.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/is_that_cake
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2017
🚨︎ report
I use this one every time my wife and I go to the movies. I now gift it to you.

This is my favorite stupid joke to use out at the movies. Every movie. Action, drama, comedy, whatever.

Movie ends. Credits roll. People start getting up.
I turn to my wife and say, "Wanna stick around and see if (character) joins The Avengers?"

It works with everything.
After Moana: "Wanna stick around and see if Maui joins the Avengers?"
After Baby Driver: "Wanna stick around and see if Baby joins the Avengers?"

Even works for villians. Why not?
After Deepwater Horizon: "Wanna stick around and see if the oil joins the Avengers?"

I guarantee you eyerolls aplenty. Use it in good health.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AdamHR
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2017
🚨︎ report
Well I'm going to go eat my soup now.

Me: Well I'm going to go eat my soup now

Dad: Make sure you ask what it identifies as first

Me: Why?

Dad: Cause it might be gender fluid

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arceusplayer11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
🚨︎ report
I'm now embarrassed to go to Taco Bell

So I was at Taco Bell with my dad and when he handed the cashier the money, he got $5 back in cash

When he further inspected it he saw there was a little bit of it torn off.

So then he approached the cashier and said he only got $4.80 back instead of $5

She held back a groan and asked if he wanted a new $5 bill

I'm now embarrassed to go to Taco Bell

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcguitarman
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2014
🚨︎ report
Voat: The site that the members of /r/fatpeoplehate moved to go to is under a heavy load right now.
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gntrr
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2015
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report
"My dad got me with this one: 'Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.'”
πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AshleyJack
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2017
🚨︎ report

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