I had to write a 500 word essay on a language of India back in high school...

I titled it The Hindi 500.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2021
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The gateway arch of puns
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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I've spent all morning trying to think of a quality pun, just to come up with THIS otter rubbish.
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesome_smokey
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2021
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In search of spiritual enlightenment, I travelled to India and encountered a mystic sage that worshipped flat bread and flat bread only.

He was a naan believer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JuliusJustice
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
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My Son Ate a Bunch of Scrabble Tiles. My Wife is Scared but I'm not...

He should have a good vowel movement. His next diaper change could spell disaster though.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hypeaze
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2021
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Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"

That was the punchline

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2021
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Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $3.00

Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:

Riceless

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2021
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Today on a walk my son was asking about a bunch of plants and stuff, he pointed to one and I said it was a fungi.

Without missing a beat he asks "Daddy, do you know how much room you need to grow Fungi like that?"

I did not know.

So he tells me "as Mushroom as possible!"

So proud.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smoffatt34920
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2021
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My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work

She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eamonn_russell
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2021
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Grandma is always saying to me ' Hey what's the name of that German guy again who keeps taking my stuff '

Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2021
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Always part of a classical dish
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToastyZ71
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2021
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Did you know a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence?

For example

  1. I ate my friend's lunch
  2. I ate my friend's colon
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jezza000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2021
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What do cannibals serve at the beginning of dinner party?

handshakes

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarjuful_Tabeeb
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2021
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SpongeBob may be the main character of the show.

But Patrick is the star.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2021
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A conversation I had on a dating app. For context, her instagram is mainly pictures of chairs and her name rhymes with chair.
πŸ‘︎ 912
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πŸ‘€︎ u/No-Priority5118
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2021
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I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.

He said no.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/superuglypotate
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2021
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What kind of tree comes from your mouth?

Poetry.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/h3rmitsunited
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2021
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What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts?

A barberqueue

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2021
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The one and only acceptable way of advertising
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/supdawggg00
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2021
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Scientist have actually discovered a feline-like life-form on Mars! But unfortunately, one of their rovers ran over it, and

Curiosity killed the cat :(

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ancient_Presence
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2021
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I’m sorry aboot these. Please don’t kick me out of this sub or shoe me away....
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2021
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What kind of pet do you step on?

A car-pet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spadeware
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2021
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My friend keeps saying β€œCheer up, man. It could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

Edit: Wow. Thanks for the awards, kind Reddit strangers!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EightRules
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2021
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Ah sorry i didn't read the name of the subreddit right
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2021
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My friend was trying to feed her baby but he was having none of it. I said "Try the Airplane."

She said, "Airplane? What is it?"

"It's a classic spoof film from the 1980s but that's not important right now."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BellaLugosisChips
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2021
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Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.

But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2021
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The College Board is phasing out the essay portion of the SAT.

Henceforth the test will be known as the T.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zu-den-sternen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2021
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Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was a registered six-offender.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nightmuse11
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2021
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What do you call 2000 pounds of bones?

A skele-ton!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VegetarianReaper
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2021
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The CEOs of Miller, Bud, and Guinness walk into a bar

The bartender asks what they'd like.

The executive of Miller orders a Miller Lite, so the bartender gives it to him. The executive of Bud orders a Bud Light, and he's given one. The bartender looks at the CEO of Guinness, and he asks for a Coke. The bartender, bewildered, hands him the Coke and asks why he didn't order a Guinness. In reply, he said,

"I figured if those two weren't drinking beer, then neither would I!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_wild_redditer
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2021
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A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....

..... oof !!

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
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The CEO of IKEA was just selected as the Prime Minister of Sweden

He’s assembling his cabinet.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2021
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Wife was at the doctor’s office yesterday and texted me that she’s tired of waiting.

I told her to…be patient.

I’m a new dad of a five-month old baby and I was quite proud of this moment.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingInTheNorth57
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2021
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So we all know that you find H2O inside a fire hydrant, but what do you find on the outside of a fire hydrant?

K9P

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyNameIsVoodoo
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2021
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I can't think of many puns with country names

Kenya guys give me some help here? Cause there's Norway I can think of some after this?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jjgbu4545
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2021
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β€œOrion’s Belt is a big waist of space.”

Terrible joke, only three stars.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Previous-Egg-1848
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2021
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Does anyone know any good sword fighting puns ? I'm trying to think of any words that have..

..a duel meaning.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
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DAD JOKES ARE NOT DIRTY.

Go post NSFW jokes somewhere else. If I can't tell my kids this joke, then it is not a DAD JOKE.

If you feel it's appropriate to share NSFW jokes with your kids, that's on you. But a real, true dad joke should work for anyone's kid.

Mods... If you exist... Please, stop this madness. Rule #6 should simply not allow NSFW or (wtf) NSFL tags. Also, remember that MINORS browse this subreddit too? Why put that in rule #6, then allow NSFW???

Please consider changing rule #6. I love this sub, but the recent influx of NSFW tagged posts that get all the upvotes, just seem wrong when there are good solid DAD jokes being overlooked because of them.

Thank you,

A Dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Von_Bostaph
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2021
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What weighs more? A gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

Water. Butane is a lighter fluid

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2021
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Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the 'Peekaboo' virus.

Doctor's are sending anyone with Peekaboo, straight to ICU.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
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My dad asked me if I had heard of Murphy's Law

I said "Yes, dad. If something can go wrong, it will go wrong".

He then asked me if I had heard of Coles Law

"No, dad. What is that one"?

He says, "thinly sliced cabbage".

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2021
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Pulled a Dad Joke on a Nurse

I am currently in the hospital. I had a back operation yesterday. The surgical nurse came in my room and started asking questions about my back. She asked me if I had any falls during the last year. I responded just one. It was after summer.

She laughed and said in 20 years of doing this she never was told that joke.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rei_920
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2021
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My Daughter says to me at dinner " Hey Dad, your glass is empty, would you like another one of those ? "

..why would I want two empty glasses..!?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2021
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In honor of Mother’s Day, I’d just like to say,

β€œthank you for your cervix.”

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rusto_Dusto
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
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What is the opposite of isolate?

Yousoearly

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcdolsa
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2021
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My wife has accused me of stealing her Thesaurus....

Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2021
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My friend made a lot of money selling viagra

I told him to keep it up!

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2021
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My friend keeps saying β€œcheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

πŸ‘︎ 320
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rethinkr
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2021
🚨︎ report

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