Funny as Hell Puns

My co-worker turned to a veteran employee and said, “ya know, for as long as ugg has been around I’m surprised they haven’t made any uggs for dogs.”

I chuckle to myself for a few seconds and he asks, “What the hell is so funny?”

I respond in the voice of an over enthusiastic sales man, “Hello there miss, I see you’ve brought your dog in today, what size is she....K-9?”

Yesterday, I was running back from the school bus after asking the driver to give me a moment because my disabled son had had an accident and I was about finished cleaning him up. It was raining and muddy and I was in my bare feet, but this is the norm out here.

On the way back I managed to get my big toenail ripped up off the nailbed down to about halfway to the cuticle. Never done that before in 31 years, and oh my, I have to say it was a whole different level of exquisite agony when I finally noticed it. Funny how you never notice things like that until you see all the blood and how it doesn't even hurt until you touch it.

Sparing you the details of tracking in blood for five minutes before I even noticed I'd done it, the husband cringed quite a bit when he got home from work and saw it.

Fast forward to today--my period started and I had one hell of a headache all day long. He gets home from work and asks, "you ok, babe?" Because I'm usually pretty cheerful when he walks in the door, but today I was cranky as fuck.

"Eh, period started. Headache. Glad you're home, I can take a pain pill and you can watch the kids."

"Oh." He looked me up and down slowly and grinned. "So... now you're hurting from head... to toe?"

Motherfucker.

I had some pain in my side, so i figured i'd rather be safe than sorry, so I went to the ER. The physician was doing an ultrasound to check for internal injuries, and he was like, "so that's your spleen, we check for this black line right there. This here is your kidney, which looks fine." and I replied "You gotta be kiddin-ney."

my mom thought it was funny as hell.

Im french-canadian. ^^"Hi ^^french-canadian, ^^im ^^dad" ^^done!

Im made an awesome dadjoke earlier but it is french. Im still gonna tell you, cause its awesome, but don't worrie, I'll explain it over and over and laugh doing it, because, after all, im a dad and the same rules apply, whatever the language.

So, the mother was distributing cookies after the meal. One for the daughter, one for me and 2 for her. Doing it, she said "le deuxième, c'est mon pourboire" (the second is my tip) in french, tip is pourboire, but, if you separate the word like so "pour boire" it means "for drinking". So, I said to her "pour boire? Les biscuits, c'est pour manger!" (for drinking? Cookies are for eating)

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHA. FUCK ME, ITS HILARIOUS.

See, its a classic dadjoke in french and I still got her good! "Pour boire? Ben non, c'est pour manger" hahahahah. Cause you don't drink cookie, you eat it. Hahaha. So great. Eyes were rolling all over the place, I almost step on one. HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

You got it, right? She said, "the second cookie is my tip" (le deuxième biscuit est mon pourboire) and I reply "tip? Cookies are for eating!" (Pour boire? Les biscuits, c'est pour manger) HAAHAHAHAHAHAHA. MAN, its funny as hell!