Where do you take somebody that was in a peek a boo accident?

To the ICU

Every time this queer couple lied to their son, he would see right through them.

>they were trans-parent.

Look him-her dead in the eye and say "Knot bad" <.<

Husband, with tears of joy going down his face:

Hi I’m pregnant. We’re going to have our first kid, I’m dad

Damn

Flying Saucer

He wemt to his mum, who was doing work, and asked, "mum, whats the first letter of the alphabet?"

Mum: Shut up and go away!

Kid goes to his dad, who just got a perfect score in darts, and says: Dad, whats the second letter of the alphabet?

Dad: 180!!

Walks to older brother who was playing batman video games: whats the third letter of the alphabet?

Brother: na na na na na na na na BATMAN!

Walks up to younger brother playing with toys: whats the 4th letter of the alphabet?

Brother: driving my little red car.

Kid rolls up to school, ready to recite the first 4 letters of the alphabet.

Teacher: whats the first letter?

Kid: Shut up and go away!!

Teacher: HOW MANY HOURS OF DETENTION DO YOU WANT

Kid: 180!!

Teacher: WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

Kid: na na na na na na na na BATMAN

Teacher: HOW DO YKU THINK YOULL GET AWAY WITH THIS?!?

Kid: Driving my little red car

So that when he asks why I named him that, I can tell him "Because you are my first Björn"

My only thought was ”Wow! I wonder if she ever got to see dinosaurs?”

Dad: well, it's obvious - she was well trained

Juanito

I grew up on the farm, but my son was a city boy. We get there:

Son: I smell butt! Me: No, you smell dairy air.

He rolled his eyes, but I think I thought I heard him chuckle under his breath.

I'm a pre-k teacher, and when I was hanging around during my break at the first grade recess, one of them tripped over a ball a few feet away, and saw me watching her. She said, "I'm okay." with a proud voice.

I walked over slowly, asked her if she needs to go to the hospital. She responded no. I walked her over to the teachers on duty, and told them that she needed to go to the hospital. She kept saying that she didn't.

I told them that she needs to go because she forgot her name. She thinks her name is "okay."

She stared at me and shook her head while the teachers laughed.

A man is walking along the street, taking each step with one foot on the raised sidewalk, and the other foot on the road. Another man asks him "Hey why are you walking like that, with one foot on the sidewalk and the other down on the road"? The man looks down to his feet and says "Damn, thanks for telling me, I thought I had started to limp".

Edit: Bonus points for telling the same joke (with visual representation of course) every god damned time we were walking in a street that had a raised sidewalk. Can't wait until I have a kid so I can pass this comedic gold on.

He wanted kelp flakes on his pasta (don't ask). I said "I don't have the shaker, ask mom to kelp you."

He immediately got a big grin on his face, just as mom rolled her eyes.

And then I saw her face

But then I saw her face.

My cousin (MtF) has just come out to the family- she told some of us "younger" ones but she was afraid especially of what her dad's reaction would be. He's a man of few words and was never outgoing or very affectionate to his kids, his side of the family is pretty conservative as well. A very as-seen-on-TV-in-the-90s dad with a handlebar moustache and multiple different-but-same polo t-shirts. Her mum passed a few years ago and they are even more distant than ever. It was finally the big day and she told him in front of a couple of us. The silence seemed to stretch on into the infinite. After some time, he got up, and without even a slight change in expression he said- "so I guess you can't see me now".

...

More silence

...

"Because I'm a transparent geddit?" With the most gigantic smile I've EVER seen him crack.

It's been 5 days and he's been cracking the same joke on every opportunity he can, ever since.

Edit- I forgot my favorite part- he asked her if she would like to add her mum's name in her new one because he missed saying it. I BAWLED my eyes out.

Edit2: obligatory I can't believe how much this blew up! We met at a family gathering yesterday and he was still chuckling so i decided to post this. I sent my cousin this post and she says he's very proud of himself. Thanks for all the awards! This is crazy!

I see that there was some confusion about the moustache description - we're a first generation Indian - Hindu family, and it's traditional especially for the older generation I think.

It's a cute moment, but not everyone is as positive. Some neighbors, people at school, a teacher or so (it's just a phase! you'll ruin your life!), and she's been handling calls all day from AH family members who only call for gossip.

His parents got really upset.

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

It's ok to be an introvert, I used to be an introvert too. One of the best experiences of my life was when I went to a convention for introverted people. It was incredible. The place was beautiful and it was an amazing experience.... everyone there was, speechless.

There’s this kid who lost an eye at a young age. His family was poor, so they couldn’t afford a glass eye, but his father whittled him a wooden eye. It didn’t look like an eye, but was better than a patch.

He took abuse about his wooden eye for his whole life. Didn’t have friends, never had a gf, etc.

On his 21st birthday he decides he’s going to get drunk for the first time in his life. He goes to a bar and starts drinking heavily.

After a couple of hours, he notices a woman at the bar. She’s vivacious, outgoing, has many friends; but, he notices she has a cleft palate.

He thinks “this girl knows what I’ve been through. She was probably bullied but came out of it confident and friendly. She might be the girl to show that life is worth it, that I can overcome my wooden eye and make a life for the both of us.”

He proceeds to steel his resolve with another couple shots and confidently strolls up to her. “Would you like to dance?”

She replied excitedly “would I?”

He points at her and yells “Hare-lip!!!”

Alot of great jokes get posted here! However just because you have a joke, doesn't mean it's a dad joke.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT NSFW, THIS IS ABOUT LONG JOKES, BLONDE JOKES, SEXUAL JOKES, KNOCK KNOCK JOKES, POLITICAL JOKES, ETC BEING POSTED IN A DAD JOKE SUB

Try telling these sexual jokes that get posted here, to your kid and see how your spouse likes it.. if that goes well, Try telling one of your friends kid about your sex life being like Coca cola, first it was normal, than light and now zero , and see if the parents are OK with you telling their kid the "dad joke"

I'm not even referencing the NSFW, I'm saying Dad jokes are corny, and sometimes painful, not sexual

So check out r/jokes for all types of jokes

r/unclejokes for dirty jokes

r/3amjokes for real weird and alot of OC

r/cleandadjokes If your really sick of seeing not dad jokes in r/dadjokes

Punchline !

Edit: this is not a post about NSFW , This is about jokes, knock knock jokes, blonde jokes, political jokes etc being posted in a dad joke sub

Edit 2: don't touch the thermostat

Gluten Tag

When I was a kid, my favourite thing ever was tractors. It was my first word, my first toy, I had posters of them on my bedroom walls and I loved to draw them too. Unfortunately with age I don’t quite have the same amount of passion nowadays. This all became relevant recently as there was this house fire on my street last week. My instincts told me to enter the house to save the family inside as the Fire Service hadn’t arrived yet. I was able to break down a door and actually clear all of the smoke from the house saving everyone inside. I escorted them out to be greeted by the Fireman who had just arrived. Puzzled, they asked how on earth I was able to clear all the smoke. I simply replied “I’m an extractor fan”.

Of course he denied the charge first, but later I found him coiled up in his room. He's conducting himself better now, so I think that worked out. Well that's the current situation anyways, but there's definitely potential for greater resistance. Some days I just feel like I don't have the capacity for raising kids.

I hit a Homer.

Bow. Bow-bow.

(In celebration of my first kid's birth)

My parents named me Pete but I hated the name as a child. Other kids used to annoy me with stupid jokes like, "hey, Peter, a pirate stole your R!"

I begged my parents and had my name changed to Peter. But during my teen years, I hated my new name. It felt so common. There were two more Peters in my class! I changed my name to Passion.

Once I was out of my teen phase and began working, I started hating this name. I felt like my coworkers made fun of my name. My boss mocked me with, "For a guy named Passion, you don't show any during work." So I changed my name to Paul.

Now, I've grown old and quite tired of changing names. I don't care. But I'd like to do it anyway. I'm thinking of going back to my first name, the name my parents gave me.

In case you didn't understand…

Should I re-Pete myself?

Then the next 18 telling them to sit down & shut up!

Husband, with tears in his eyes:

Hi pregnant, I’m dad

But then I saw her face.

they separate characters.

[Had our first kid 3 weeks ago. This joke came to me without warning. It begins.]

The previous ones were daughterograms.

But then I saw her face.

Was told you all might appreciate my kid's (5yo) first joke. We drive past a local high school regularly that my she's fascinated by because it's covered in artwork and has an unusual name. Today she said, "It's the magnet school! Where the big kids learn to stick together!"

My wife asked me to stop singing "I'm a Believer" by The Monkees because she found it annoying. At first I thought she was kidding.

But then I saw her face....

When he was really young, he was the best magician I’ve ever seen. People came to see this first grader do all sorts of magic. Cutting women in half, floating on air, turning roses into doves, the works.

But as he got older, he started to loose his touch. He couldn’t turn flowers into birds when he hit 8th grade. He stopped being able to float as a freshman. When he graduated, he could barely find a quarter in your ear.

I bumped into him one day after he came home from graduating college. He was working as an architect now. I asked him what happened to all that magic? How come he couldn’t keep it going?

He put his arm around me and said, “the way I see it, it was all tricks. And tricks are for kids”

Because they have anty-bodies. Not mine but it’s my favorite and wanted to share. No matter how many times I say it to my kids they act like it’s the first time they’ve ever heard it.

... little shits blew the powder everywhere

I recently bought some tents for the kids to play with. At first they played with them a lot, and now they never do …

I guess there’s no point in living in the past tents.

… I was working with this guy who kept ignoring me every time I said hi to him. Finally one day I asked him “what’s up?” He said essentially that I don’t like you very much. My response was “Well, do you have kids, if not, you should because that has been made very a-parent; yet I don’t know why. “

At first a look of anger😠

Then confusion🤔

Then a laugh😅

We are ok now. 👍

My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"

The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!"

The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?"

OK, when my first kid became cognizant, about two years old, I would wait until I could see the street light was going to turn green, just blow at it, and it would turn green. I never said a word. I would just do it.

After doing this for about a year or so, my daughter caught on and could not figure out how I was doing this.

She finally asked me, "Daddy Magic", of course.

She is now 31, and she still blows at street lights.

That is the real Daddy Magic.