What number is odd and even at the same time?
π︎ 83
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︎ Jul 26 2021
I tell dad jokes even though I have no children.
π︎ 53
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︎ Aug 07 2021
Green tea, black tea, earl gray, even sun tea don't hold a candle to my favorite...
π︎ 12
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︎ Aug 12 2021
How do you make 7 even?"
π︎ 33
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︎ Aug 13 2021
I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus
but graphing is where I draw the line
π︎ 10k
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︎ Apr 17 2021
Why do people say "we're running late " even when they're not running?
π︎ 3k
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︎ May 15 2021
The wife and I had a fight. I threw a chunk of meat at her but it wasn't even close.
π︎ 58
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︎ Jul 09 2021
What's it called when a cat begs for food even though her bowl is still half full?
π︎ 26
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︎ Jul 26 2021
Batman invited the Justice League to an evening discussing Bitcoin investments but the Superman didn't go because it was,
π︎ 343
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︎ Jun 21 2021
I don't even know how many puns I made here. I am a pun-aholic.
π︎ 422
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︎ May 01 2021
Flex tape isn't even that tight
π︎ 19
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︎ Jul 14 2021
Everyone at the bar was looking pretty down, this evening, so I proposed a toast
That's one way to raise your spirits
π︎ 11
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︎ Aug 03 2021
Itβs crazy that there are dads out there who werenβt even born when Shrek came out in 2001-
Well the years start coming and they donβt stop coming
π︎ 11
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︎ Aug 04 2021
that's not even remotely funny
π︎ 16
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︎ Jun 05 2021
Gay jokes aren't even funny, like
π︎ 813
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︎ Apr 15 2021
I shouted at my son, "Itβs a shame nothing is built in the U.S. anymore! The T.V. we just bought says, βBuilt in Antennaβ and to be perfectly honest..."
"I donβt even know where that is!"
π︎ 11k
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︎ Aug 10 2021
My wife left me for a tractor salesman, and she didn't even tell me in person.
She just wrote me a John Deere letter.
π︎ 23
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︎ Jun 01 2021
Some famous musician I donβt even like keeps asking me to blow air on him whenever he gets hot, and I donβt like it.
π︎ 31
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︎ Jun 03 2021
I keep all my spare change in a wire box. My 1 cent coins, my 10 cent coins, my 25 cent coins, even my 50 cent and dollar coins. But never my 5 cent coins.
Because it's my Nickel-less Cage.
π︎ 7
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︎ Jun 06 2021
How does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend their evening?
They stay up all night wondering whether or not there really is a dog.
π︎ 21
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︎ Jun 24 2021
Even crime has time for puns (credit to the author, extrafabulouscomics)
π︎ 7k
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︎ Dec 24 2020
My wife and I just found out she's pregnant with our first child.
To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.
"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."
βOf course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."
βNow I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."
βDad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."
βHi Honoured, I'm Dad."
π︎ 8k
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︎ Jul 24 2021
(Unintentional dad joke time. This was an actual conversation this evening between my wife and I as my middle schooler listened.) Me: Honey. I need a new bike helmet, but I donβt know what size. Would you measure my head for me?
Wife (holding the tape measure): Have you tried looking at Dickβs?
Middle schooler: Laughs uncontrollably
π︎ 6
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︎ Jun 23 2021
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
π︎ 13
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︎ Jun 03 2021
My daughter was telling me about cheetahs and how they are skittish and nervous animals. They require a lot of attention and sometimes in zoos they even have a companion dog to help keep them calm.
Turns out, without a lot of care, cheetahs never prosper.
π︎ 11
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︎ Jun 16 2021
I got pulled over for speeding even though I wasn't. The officer said, "you were driving fast and furious." I replied.
π︎ 2
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︎ Jun 27 2021
Why do astronauts never get depressed, even if they stay in outer space for months?
There's nothing there to bring them down
π︎ 47
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︎ Apr 29 2021
My cousin gave me a range stove he had and I didnβt even have to pay any money for it. Then I invited my neighbors over for dinner.
I told them I was cooking free range chicken.
π︎ 12
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︎ Jun 13 2021
Always be aware of your surroundings. Even on your midnight toilet trips.
π︎ 156
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︎ Mar 19 2021
I canβt even anymore
π︎ 673
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︎ Jan 21 2021
Is 'The Vampire Diaries' even a good show?
I heard the Characters suck a lot
π︎ 19
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︎ May 23 2021
2 is the only prime number that is even.
π︎ 38
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︎ Apr 24 2021
My girlfriend said :- You got vasectomy without even telling me . Are you serious ?
I said :- I am not kidding you
π︎ 128
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︎ Apr 03 2021
Proud dad moment.
Keep in mind, my son is 4 years old, so everything is an original to him.
I had to work late into the evening yesterday, and he was just going to bed when I got home. I had left home for the office nearly 14 hours prior, had a long day, lots of meetings, traffic, etc.
When I walked through the door, I was exhausted, run down, and starving. My wife hugged me and asked how my day was, and I replied, "Done. It was a good day, but has got me exhausted. I just want to grab a bite and go to bed. I'm hungry."
From my son's bedroom, I hear him shout, "Hi Hungry! Nice to meet you!"
Not only did it make me laugh, but I completely forgot about how hungry and tired I was. I went to his bedroom, and we laughed together about it. It was exactly what I needed.
Edit: Thanks for all the awards, kind strangers! I'll let my son know y'all enjoyed his joke too!
π︎ 7k
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︎ Jul 01 2021
So the cops just came to my door, they said my dog was chasing someone on a bike, I told them "my dog doesn't even own a bike"
π︎ 3
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︎ May 15 2021
It might interest you to know that French Fries have never even been made in France.
They've only ever been made in Greece.
π︎ 14
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︎ May 13 2021
In NASA, even the best pilots.
Can't afford to wing it.
(Credit to Chris Hadfield: An Astronaut's guide to Life on Earth for inspiring this. I've read it twice but now I've been reading it to my infant son when he just needs to hear my voice before he sleeps).
π︎ 2
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︎ Jun 13 2021
i love telling dad jokes
sometimes he even laughs!
π︎ 2k
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︎ Jul 31 2021
Even took me a while ngl..
π︎ 6k
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︎ Sep 22 2020
We had barely started an evening at the anecdote club when police kicked the door in.
It was a two story building.
π︎ 2
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︎ Jun 07 2021
Two skunks were named In and Out. One day, In went missing. Even though he was deep in the forest, Out found him right away. When asked how he did it, Out replied
π︎ 10
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︎ May 21 2021
I told my roommate that I did chores around the house even through I didn't. 'Are you lying?!" he said.
I replied, "I guess I need to come clean..."
π︎ 4
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︎ May 31 2021
If you have two heads, that's both an odd and even number
π︎ 10
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︎ Mar 17 2021
So my dad just died because he needed blood and we didnβt know his blood type.
He was so brave and even tried to encourage us, the family around him, with his last breaths. He kept whispering to us to Be Positive.
π︎ 10k
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︎ Jun 14 2021
Digging holes is not fun, but making them even bigger is even worse.
π︎ 16
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︎ Apr 09 2021
Seven has "even" in it
π︎ 65
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︎ Aug 14 2021
How do you make 7 even?
π︎ 42
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︎ Jul 21 2021
How do you make 7 even?
π︎ 70
π
︎ May 07 2021
I keep all my spare change in a wire box. My 1 cent coins, my 10 cent coins, my 25 cent coins, even my 50 cent and dollar coins. But never my 5 cent coins.
Because it's my Nickel-less Cage.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 06 2021
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