So I was at my family reunion last weekend as it was my Grandfatherβs 90th Birthday. Personally I think the steamed prune has it coming to kick the bucket, but I guess his prostate hasnβt given up the ghost yet.
Anyway my parents were talking to my aunt about their new kitchen to which I couldnβt give less of a flying fuck, so I went to sit with my 3 year old cousin in the lounge watching Jimmy Neutron and lo and behold, my lord and saviour Sheen, was showing off his massive, girthy action figure.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldnβt contain myself. As I ripped out my fat cock and starting blasting rope to the God in front of my eyes, I turned to lil Tom beside me and yelled βWatch and learn kid. This is what REAL perfection looks like.β I ripped through my cock at the speed of light, as I yearned for that euphoric feeling of Sheen bringing my wet sticky cum up my dick hole. I could of powered the spare generator in my basement with the speed and energy of which I was tearing my cock to shreds with.
Finally, as Sheen took Ultralord out of his box and screamed with holy might, I yelled βCOME TO ME SHEENβ as I splurged my cum tribute to him, all over the couch and TV, as well as the majority of it drenching Tom next to me. I couldnβt breathe, Sheen truly gave me the best orgasm Iβve ever had and I was now in his debt. But APPARENTLY putting on straight porn for a three year old and me busting a fat one to it is βUtterly abhorrent and shameful to the family nameβ. I was whisked out of the house onto the street with my raging Sheen boner still visible below my cum-soiled undergarments. So I guess Iβm now disowned from my family, but at least I payed tribute to our one and only deity, Sheen Estevez.
I've googled it put can't find any information. Who are her parents, and is she related to Charlie Sheen?
EDIT: Scarlett Estevez is the little girl who plays Trixie
i.e. Martin Sheen (born Ramon Estevez), father of Charlie Sheen (born Carlos Estevez) and Emilio Estevez.
I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.
Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.
Do your worst!
I'm surprised it hasn't decade.
For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.
I said "hey look, an escaPEA"
No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!
Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies π
It really does, I swear!
Buenosdillas
Theyβre on standbi
Pilot on me!!
Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.
This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.
If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.
Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.
When I got home, they were still there.
What did 0 say to 8 ?
" Nice Belt "
So What did 3 say to 8 ?
" Hey, you two stop making out "
I won't be doing that today!
[Removed]
You take away their little brooms
This morning, my 4 year old daughter.
Daughter: I'm hungry
Me: nerves building, smile widening
Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.
She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.
Thank you all for listening.
There hasn't been a post all year!
Why
Itβs pronounced βNoel.β
After all his first name is No-vac
What, then, is Chinese rap?
Edit:
Notable mentions from the comments:
-
Spanish/Swedish/Swiss/Serbian hits
-
French/Finnish art
-
Country/Canadian rap
-
Chinese/Country/Canadian rock
-
Turkish/Tunisian/Taiwanese rap
There hasn't been a single post this year!
(Happy 2022 from New Zealand)
Nothing, it just waved
Bob
Him: I can explain everything!
(It's his best joke yet I think)
