If Emily gets depantsed in front of her friends...

She’s em-bare-assed on 2 levels

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RotaryPhoneDialer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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Emily in Sicario
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ironcap2024
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
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I need w pun for the name "Emily"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gilbertv422
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
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Sad but true
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JPree
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
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Dad: Thanks for doing your chores Emily, unlike some children who will remain unnamed

Son: tears welling up please give me a name dad I'm almost 17

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jackson160
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
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Does anyone know Bruce Lee's dad's name?

It's always been a Mr. Lee to me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bonediggerninja
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2018
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My dad got his sister Emily an e-book for her birthday.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Abyss_in_Motion
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2013
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Why would naming your daughter Sara Emily guarantee to make her popular?

Because, everyone know Miss Sara E loves company.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stubob
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2015
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american sniper is a musical

My dad and I were arguing whether we were gonna watch American Sniper or Into the Woods. I wanted to watch the former while he wanted to watch Into the Woods.

Eventually, he started to say how Into the Woods was a better musical than what I wanted to watch. I was kinda confused and then he just said,

"How is it not a musical if it's full of violins? Ahe..he..he"

And he smirked and chuckled to himself and I am so mad right now

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfanta
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2015
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A whimsical tale...

There once was a princess named Emily, but the royal family called her Em for short. One day the king posed a riddle in order to choose a suitor for his eldest daughter, Elizabeth. The riddle was as follows:

Elizabeth has two apples, and Emily has one apple. Emily gives Elizabeth her apple as a wedding gift. How might you calculate the total amount of apples Elizabeth has presently?

Many days passed and no one could figure out the answer. Of course, on the first day a man came and answered, β€œSire, to calculate the amount of apples Elizabeth has, you must add Emily’s apple.” He was promptly executed.

After this, the kingdom was stumped. Nobody knew how to calculate Elizabeth’s apples if the answer was not to simply to add Emily’s apple, and none dared to try and answer unless they were absolutely sure of it.

One night, a young man, determined to find the answer, climbed up the palace walls to watch the royal family as they ate.

β€œFather,” said Emily, β€œhave you made the riddle too hard? No one has been able to guess it yet.”

β€œNo worries Em,” responded the king, I have confidence that the time will come soon.”

The young man descended the wall, having learned the secret to the riddle.

The next day, dressed In his finest clothes, the young man approached the king with the answer to the riddle.

β€œWhat is your answer, young man?” declared the king.

The young man replied, β€œIn order to calculate Elizabeth’s apples, you must ADD EM’S APPLE.”

The king answered β€œlol get it?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Diezlk9
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2017
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It helps to know what kind of birds they are... imgur.com/KSMcZQr
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kazoodac
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2013
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Overheard a dad joke

Person: "Oh, you got a hair cut!"

A Dad: "I actually got all of my hairs cut!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dorianfinch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2016
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*Hits Blunt*

Emily: "How rude of you"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pixelvengeur
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
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The first time they ever met, my dad blindsided my mom with this prophetic alphabet dad joke.

So my dad's name is Jay and my mom's name is Kay. The first time they were introduced, it was obvious their names were destined for dad joke immortality:

Mom's friend: Jay, this is my friend Kay! I thought you two should meet!

Mom: Hi.

Dad: Ya know, if we get married and have kids... we could name them Ellie, Emmie, and Opie. We could eat alphabet cereal for breakfast and alphabet soup for dinner! :) ;)

Mom: ..... uh..

30 years later and they did get married, and did get their "Emmie"! (my sister's name is Emily)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Egdirdle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2015
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Cousin's 3 year old daughter is going to be a great dad one day.

My cousin and his wife have a 3 year old daughter, and they're traveling to visit us cross-country for Thanksgiving. In the hotel last night, cousin (Steven) was discussing breakfast with his daughter (Emily).

Steven: "Tomorrow morning, before we leave, the hotel is going to cook us breakfast!"

Emily: "Daddy, how is the hotel going to cook us breakfast? It doesn't even have hands!"

Steven said he's never been prouder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justinerwin
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2015
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Fiancee gave me a good setup

Her: If there's a Mrs. Dash, what does Mr. Dash do? Me: Oh, he's a stay-at-home dad, he takes care of their daughter, Emily. Her: (blank stare) Me: They call her Em. Her: (blank stare)

I then had to explain what an em dash is, but I still got a good laugh about it. She rolled over.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/israeljeff
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2015
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Dad joked my teacher.

One day in high school my english teacher was out sick. Towards the end of the period, the sub thought hangman would be fun to play. Sub "after Emily is done, you can have free time" Me "looks like Emily had the last word"

Silence

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Darthezio
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2014
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