So I decided to just cut to the chase.
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
Edit: Thank you for the awards.
I was expecting this to go noticed like most of my other posts. You peeps rock!
My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people.
One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally.
Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?”
My brother replies, “Yeah. Liana Noelle.”
Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is.
Then after a moment I shout, “How the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?”
Edit (10/22/2014): Probably won't be seen or noticed by anyone, but my baby niece was just born today! She's on the opposite side of the country, but I can't wait to meet her!
I recently had some workers in my apartment installing new windows. They said they would be done by 11:30 and I had noticed them doing 2 apartments a day so I assume lunch is at 11:30. It's 11:45 and I am walking by one of them and he says "I'm hungry", and without even looking up I said "Hi Hungry, I'm Dad."
The groans were quite loud, but there was at least one laugh.
edit: No, I did not get the chance to touch a window and say ouch, because of the window pain. I regret it.
I opened the cabinet to pull out the chocolate syrup when I noticed a chocolate fingerprint on the top. I jokingly asked her if she did that to mark it as hers since she had told me she might have to hide it to keep me from using it all. So, we go back and forth over whose fingerprint it is when she grabs it and takes it over to the dog. She holds it up and goes, "Eddie, look. Whose is that?" Of course, he's a dumb dog, so he just whines and wags his tail. She then comes back to me and says, "I sent the fingerprint to the Lab, results came back inconclusive." Cue long sigh.
Edit: Damn...
Edit 2: The Lab
One April Fools eve, my wife went to bed early. Just shortly after 12:01am, I went in to bed. I noticed I woke her up and I immediately said, “Can you make the kids lunch?” She was so pissed at me and stormed out the bedroom only to find the kids lunch already made in the fridge! AAAAAppppprrrriiiilll FFFooooooolllllllllsss!!
Edit: Didn’t get laid that night.
He's doing a mission (I'm barley paying attention). I glance up and there's 2 cop cars trying to stop him. They get on either side of him and pinch him to a stop.
Son: Dang. The cops got me.
Me: What happened? Did they cop block you? (still chuckling to myself)
BTW, He's only 7 years old. He has no idea why I thought it was funny. My wife gave me the look of disapproval, so success was had.
Edit: I just want to let everyone know that I didn't notice my barely/barley mistake until after the hop joke below. Thanks.
I fell asleep on the couch, because my bed Isn't that comfortable.
The next morning my mom walks into my room and notices that I am sleeping on my couch
Mom: Why are you slepping on the couch?
Me: Oh, you know. Training for marriage.
Heard my step-dad laughing from the kitchen whilst my mom only gave me a confused look.
Edit: WORDS
I woke up early for work,and was getting dressed while my girlfriend lazily poked at her phone. I was laying out my clothes, saying as I go: "undershirt ... work shirt ... underwear ... jeans ... French bovine ... can't wear shoes without the French bovine ..."
I noticed my girlfriend was staring at me, bewildered, but also wearing her "what sort of stupid thing are you saying now?"
I asked what was the matter, and she inquired what a French bovine is.
I said, you shouldn't wear shoes without ...
A Paris ox.
edited: stupid mistakes. It makes better sense now.
F: "You know, I was born with 3 knees. So were you. Your brother too. I asked the doctor about it when you were born.. Sorry i didn't tell you."
Me: "That seems like important information."
Brother: "Why wait until now?"
F: "Well, i figured you'd notice yous by now. The right knee, the left knee, and the wee knee."
very audible groans were had.
Edit: words
A few days ago I set the tent up outside to clean it out. Yesterday my son's friend noticed I had missed a tent peg and let me know. I looked at him and said, "I guess that was a big missed stake." He just rolled his eyes as I laughed!
Edit: how do you not know him?
Wife was going to go to church today and I had planned on skipping. A few minutes before she was to go, I noticed she was sweeping leaves off the back deck. I opened he door and said, "Honey, I thought you were leaving?"
"I am leafing!"
Edit:stupid autocorrect.
Yesterday, my girlfriend and I were driving home from a vacation we had taken on a ranch. About an hour into the trip, silence had taken over the trip until this gem of an opportunity presented itself:
Driving along, I notice a dead deer on the side of the road. Me, "Hmmm." Girlfriend, "What?" Me, "Nothing. Just... That deer." Girlfriend, "What about it?" Me, "That's just such an odd place for a deer to take a nap."
I'm pretty sure even the dead deer groaned at that one. Great success.
Edit- Grammar. Whoops.
I was sitting in a local Mexican food place with my wife having a late lunch and spot my 19yo daughter in the parking lot driving in her car with my 16yo daughter in the passenger seat. They were just returning from Vidcon.
They drove in front of the restaurant not noticing my wife's parked truck. I bolted out of the door of the restaurant and ran full tilt 500 yards across the parking lot following them all while ducking and weaving around cars so as not to be spotted. They pulled into a gas station on the other side of the parking lot from the restaurant just as I was able to sneak between the pumps and slam myself against her windshield and fall to the ground as if I had been hit. Then I flopped around on the ground like a fish.
It scared my 19yo daughter so bad she actually pee'd a little and couldn't stop crying. My 16yo was laughing so hard she couldn't breath.
I'm a bad Dad.
TL;DR: Bad father scared teenage daughter so bad she pee'd then cried.
Edit: Words
I've been too busy to go get an emissions test, so while my mom and I went out to run some errands, my dad did that and also filled my tank and took my car through the wash.
Dad: Did you notice anything different about your car?
Me: No.
Dad: I got you a carwash. I heard that the dirt needs to be changed every 6,000 miles.
Edited because I'm a dummy.
